ElinorRobin

Kim, Kris, and The Fight

2012-02-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

TMZ is reporting that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are locked in a battle over what to call the end of their marriage. Is it a divorce or an annulment? In the end, it really doesn't matter so how do we explain this seeming silliness?

For Kim and Kris the real issue - who gets what - is already decided. Its all laid out in a lengthy pre-nup. So why are they fighting? Actually, a fight serves a purpose for a divorcing couple and is often a critical part of the process and the key to finding closure. Of course, I believe that the fight is best staged in a mediator's office and not in a courtroom with attorney assistance. But, Kim and Kris don't see it my way.

Here are the five functions the divorce fight serves:

1. The fight enables partners to determine if reconciliation is possible. In Kim's case, its reported that Kris had hopes of reconciliation until he saw how dirty the fight was going to get.

2. The fight provides a forum for exposing past hurts. And, sadly, for these two, that exposure will be public.

3. The fight confirms that the spouse is no longer part of the team and instead wants to take care of him/her self. Did Kim and Kris sit down and conspire to get the maximum exposure (and ratings) for their split? I can only hope so. But, if this is not just a show, it sure proves that they are no longer on the same team.

4. The fight keeps the connection alive until the lesser connected partner is ready to let go. If one of these two was really ready to let go then s/he would say "OK, have it your way - divorce, annulment, no difference, just get me out." Clearly, neither of them is ready to do that.

5. The fight enable each spouse to avoid looking at him/herself and their individual failures. Right now Kim and Kris are all about finger pointing. While this can serve to lessen guilt and feelings of failure, maturity brings the ability to take responsibility for one's mistakes.

Keep in mind that each divorce, each couple, and each fight, is unique. My hope for Kim and Kris is that they are able to structure their fight so that it is an opportunity for self-discovery . If nothing else, their next partners are watching. And, an emotionally healthy new mate will not find a big, ugly, and stupid battle attractive.

Real Mediator Questions

2012-01-29T06:30:00.000-08:00

Hi Elinor

Something has come up recently in some seminars I've been to. At least twice, someone tried to make the point that it is actually sometimes an advantage to have a mediator who is not certified, because a non-certified mediator can give you his/her direct evaluation of the case, while a certified mediator cannot. Just wondered what your response was.

Thanks, Ms Commercial Mediator
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Dear Ms Mediator,

Someone made that up. Its a marketing tactic that is misleading.

No "mediator" should be giving a direct evaluation of a case. Every mediator can give their opinion on the range that a case is likely to fall into. (Make that range broad). If the parties want a direct evaluation of a case they don't want mediation, they want a process called Neutral Evaluation. (We talk about this on Day 1 of each of our training programs in the Conflict Management Continuum section.) You can provide Neutral Evaluation - and give the parties your direct evaluation of their case - but not as a part of the mediation process. If mediation ends in impasse you can change hats, go into Neutral Evaluator mode, and give them your opinion.

In my opinion it is unwise to mediate, in Florida, without being Certified. You have no judicial immunity if the case is not court ordered. And, you leave yourself open to legal malpractice issues because it will not be difficult to make the connection between being an "un-certified" mediator who is sitting there giving a legal opinion and the practice of law.

Best, Elinor

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Hi Elinor,

I am interested in your opinion on this hypothetical situation. In a family mediation, in separate session, the husband tells you he has hidden money. Is this considered fraud which is a crime and would not then be considered as privileged/confidential? Must a mediator disclose this to the other party? Or, should the mediator simply terminate the mediation?

Thank you, Elinor! Your opinion means a lot! Mr Divorce Mediator
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Mr D,

Hiding money from your wife is not a crime. So this is something we could NOT report to the police (or anyone else). The issue is misrepresentation. If the husband is misrepresenting his financial situation, the mediator cannot perpetuate the misrepresentation. So the mediator would have to either (a) convince the husband to come clean or (b) terminate the mediation. BUT, the mediator could NOT disclose to the wife or anyone else that the husband has hidden funds.

Best, Elinor

Parenting Question

2012-01-27T05:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Robin:

So I let my 10 year old daughter Kayla out of my sight tonight, which is very hard for me, to go to the State Fair (45 minutes away) with her girlfriend and her parents. They swear they'll be home by 9:30. They are not home at 10, I call the friends house and the mom answers. She didn't go, and is in tears worried that something happened. She tells me her husband took them and didn't bring the cell! WTH! First off I would have never let her go if I had know the mom wasn't going and to top it off, no cell phone? My husband just went off on the mom. At 10:15 my daughter walks in. We went off on her too but it's not her fault. Aside from getting her a cell phone - what should we do???

Kayla's Mom

My response

Dear Mom,

This is a two-parter. First part is the anxiety of a parent. What can we do with the fear and out-of-control feeling that makes us act out like lunatics sometimes? Focus your breathe, tap, meditate, reach out to others, journal, take some action, etc. Being a parent is scary, we have to find the delicate balance between letting go and protecting.

The second part is the friend's family. In the words of branding expert Kellie Kuecha "How you show up here, you show up everywhere." This is part of the father's "brand," its how he shows up in life. Any of us could forget our cell phone but if I did I wouldn't be almost an hour late. Considerate is not a part of his brand. He has proven (IMHO) to be irresponsible, passive-aggressive, or both. And, clearly the mother cannot be counted on to counteract his tendencies.

What happened yesterday doesn't really matter now (its done) so lets change the focus to the future. Its up to you to set the boundary. I would discuss it with Kayla. Tell her your concerns and see what she says. Maybe the rule should be that she can go to their house but not leave with them so if there is a change in plans she calls you to pick her up. Whatever you two decide is OK but at this point I believe that in order to get her to follow the rules she has to co-create them. Remember, in this case, she is not to blame. Make that clear to her, she was not the driver last night. That's why its important to make good choices about who we get in the car with. And, let her know that there will be many more decisions that the two of you will have to negotiate together as you spend the next 10 years finding the delicate balance between letting go - so she can become her own wise woman - and protecting her while she learns how.

Happy trails, Elinor

Universal Laws

2011-12-20T03:51:00.000-08:00

There are some things (like sports) that I know nothing about. But I am wise in the ways that patterns and themes are woven into the tapestry of life. Even as a child I paid close attention to the causes and effects of life choices and events. There is still more to learn and I am propelled to keep going. In the meantime, here is my take on the Universal Laws which govern us all. When I run my life on these principles things go a lot smoother.

1. No one has a crystal ball. Well, maybe someone does but it doesn’t work. So we never know what life will bring. The only guarantee is change.

2. Even though you don’t know what will happen (man plans and God laughs) it’s a really good idea to prepare for the next phase of life now.

3. A man’s character seals his fate.

4. My greatest strength is my greatest weakness. And, so is yours.

5. The worst thing that happens is often the best thing. But, most of us cannot see it in the moment.

6. Stay away from crazies and people who are pushed to the edge. They are usually living in survival mode. And, someone in survival mode cannot be trusted to act rationally.

7. Seek to serve the greater good – within reason.

8. Nurture your tribe. Human beings are tribal. Ultimately your tribe is the most important thing you have.

9. Life is an unfolding. Everything is temporary. The good, the bad, it’s all temporary. So enjoy the good while you have it and know that the bad will pass soon enough.

10. Human beings soothe in pairs so its important to have a primary relationship. But, it’s better to have no partner than the wrong partner because you are still free to seek out the comfort of another.

11. Nothing changes. Everything changes. An elm tree will never be an oak tree. But, depending on the nourishment it receives, an elm tree will either grow and evolve or wither and die. Every year it looks different, but it’s still an elm tree. People are the same way.

12. There is no emotion attached to an intuitive message. Listen to your intuition. No one ever says I trusted my inner knowing and it was wrong. But, they do say I didn’t trust my intuition and I could kick myself now.

13. Men and women are different animals. Culturally, physically, and psychologically we are different. Learn all you can about connecting to the other species; we have to share the planet together.

14. Under every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. When you are embroiled in conflict, figure out what you did to give someone else the impression that you have devalued them. And, then try to explain your perspective.

15. Secret deals don’t work. Deals that live in your head, instead of being voiced and agreed upon, only set you up for disappointment.

16. There is a strong connection between the mind, body, and spirit. Pay attention to all three. Your body is the temple for your soul. And, your home is the temple for your body. Treat them accordingly.

17. Life stretches ahead of us – and we meander along the path. And then, one day, we wake up and realize there is much more behind us than there is in front of us. And, that sucks. But, again, that is the way IT is.

18. Honor yourself. You are all you have. If you don’t like the way something is going, change it. That means you make a plan and take the necessary actions.

19. Timing is everything. But, I have no way to make sure you (or I) get it right. Ask for guidance through prayer or otherwise, then shut up and listen.

20. Money means very little. Just live like there is enough money for what you want and need and there will be.

21. Sometimes just say goodbye. Sometimes stay and work it out. When emotion gets involved it’s often difficult to know which is which. Pray, then shut-up and listen.

22. Some things are simply unknown. For instance, no one really knows what happens when we die. That’s OK because we really don’t need to know everything. There are mysteries. That’s just the way IT is. (On the other hand, if you feel that you need to have an answer because the unknown causes you anxiety that’s OK too. You can choose any of the myths that are out there in the current pool.)

23. Every path can lead you to the answer and every path can take you away from the answer.

24. Things I can do and see for others, I often cannot do and see for myself. And, others can see and do things for and about me that I cannot do on my own. So, it’s wise to surround oneself with wise people; they bring clarity and a reality test. But, everyone – even those who are not so wise - has something to teach me. And, no one can have too many friends.

25. Life is full of give and take. My world revolves around me. Your world revolves around you. So, if I want something from you, I better figure out what’s in it for you. Altruism is rare, if it exists at all. Want something? Figure out what can you give in trade. But, good living is not about a balance sheet. It requires giving as an investment that may or may not pay dividends latter on.

This list is a work in progress. Like me.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

Happy trails, Elinor

A Lesson Learned From Brooke, Cat, Rabbit, and Fox.

2011-11-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

This story comes from my friend and colleague Brooke Deratany Goldfarb. Brooke has a law degree from Harvard but rather than use her degree in the traditional sense she has chosen to practice as a family mediator and collaborative lawyer in Indialantic, FL. You can learn more about Brooke and her unique practice - Peaceful Beach Mediation.

Cat, Rabbit, and Fox were living in a forest. Cat and Rabbit started fighting over a piece of delicious cheese they had found in the forest. Rabbit broke the cheese into two pieces. Cat grabbed the larger piece for himself, announcing, “This piece is mine.”

Rabbit, of course, had to disagree, “No it isn’t, it is mine!”

Just then, Cat saw Fox walk by and called to him, “Mr. Fox, we have two pieces of cheese and I want the bigger piece, shouldn’t it be mine?”

Rabbit interjected protesting, “That’s not fair, I want the bigger piece, it should be mine!”

“I will solve this problem,” said Fox, “I will bite the bigger piece so that both pieces will be the same, “ and with that, Fox took a bite out of the bigger piece of cheese.

“But now the other piece is bigger!” complained Cat.

“No worries,” said Fox, “I will now take a bite out of the other piece.”

“But now the first piece is bigger, no fair!” cried Rabbit.

“Never fear, I will solve this problem for you,” said Fox. This process continued as Cat or Rabbit each time complained about how much cheese should be his or hers and with Fox taking bite after bite until finally, all the cheese was safely in Fox’s tummy. “Mmmm, that sure was good cheese, too bad you two lost your chance to have some.”

Cat started to whine, “But all the cheese is gone now!”

Fox grinned, “So it is. But at least the pieces are the same size,” and with that Fox ran off.

“But which piece was mine?” asked Rabbit in a daze.

“I guess it doesn’t matter now,” said Cat wistfully, “they are both gone, and now we don’t have any cheese at all.”

Only then Cat and Rabbit realized, “I guess we should have solved our problem ourselves.”

Brooke witnessed the saga of Cat, Rabbit and Fox as a short play in her daughter’s theater class. She sent it to me with a note explaining that the tale struck her as "an illustration of the fall out of the litigated divorce with the loss of cheese signifying the loss of, among other things, the dignity of the participants."

Thank you Brooke!!

10 Tips For Getting Along With Your Family This Holiday Season

2011-11-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

Millions of families won't be together this holiday season because of fights, feuds and old resentments. However, family estrangements, misunderstandings, and unmet expectations don't have to destroy the bonds that connect you to the ones you love. Here are my 10 tips for getting along with your relatives over the holidays.

1. Be a good guest. Respect your host's property and possessions. Clean up after yourself and your kids. Don't bring your pets unless they are specifically requested. Don't expect your host to monitor your children. Visiting your relatives should not signal a vacation from being a parent. Instead, watch your kids and make sure that they also respect property and possessions.

2. If you are the host whose property and possessions are not respected, ask for what you need. Its almost impossible to be both babysitter and chief cook and bottle washer at the same time. But, unless you ask for help and then allow others to provide it, the burden will fall on you and your resentment will grow. If you ask for help and it's not forthcoming let your guests know that this year the holidays were too much for you and next year you will be coming to them instead.

3. Avoid excessive drinking. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and can leave your family open to a fiasco. When the others hit the bottle a little too hard that should be your signal to go home or go catch a movie.

4. If you really don't want to go - don't. However, do not wait until the last minute to cancel. Give your relatives time to make alternative plans.

5. Discuss the gift situation in advance and make plans so that everyone understands your position. Simplify gift giving by using cash or gift cards. Some families do only the kids, others pick one name from a hat, or maybe you will all buy your own gifts and do show and tell.

6. Under most family conflicts someone feels dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or disenfranchised. Avoid any action which will trigger these emotions. Make sure that you include everyone in the planning, preparation, and festivities. Try to be equal in your gift giving to avoid slighting anyone. If for some reason this is not appropriate or possible, do your giving at a time when you and the receiver will have complete privacy.

7. If you are carrying around a resentment, from the past, address it - in private - with the other person. If you are going to hold a difficult conversation with a family member remember to

* Prepare.

* Set the stage. Pick the right time for your difficult conversation, when you are both clear headed.

* Call a truce, this means coming to the table and staying there until there is some resolution.

* Speak from the heart. Do not point fingers of blame. Instead focus on finding a solution that works for both of you. This is collaboration. And, keep in mind that before the person on the other side can respond from the heart s/he will have to trust that there will be no negative judgements or attacks. Do whatever you can to make that clear.

* Listen, listen, listen. Listen as if you are an outside observer with no prior knowledge of the situation.

* Give yourselves time to think, process the information, and cool down.

* Define the emotions. Under almost every human conflict, someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. These are the emotions that fuel the feud. Sometimes, just defining that emotion and realizing that both of us feel the same way is enough to resolve our dispute.

* Be willing to apologize. The closer the relationship the more likely you are to have stepped on each others' toes. If you cannot bring yourself to apologize for anything specific at least apologize for the distress that the other side has been living with and anything s/he believes you did to contribute to it.

* Don't leave conflicts unresolved. An agreement to disagree is resolution. Leaving the conflict open sets you up for future fights.

8. Assign a family mediator and even if s/he is a natural get him/her some additional dispute management training.

9. Lower your expectations - for everything - from expecting feelings of happiness and joy to cooking the perfect meal. Do not expect others to get it perfectly right either. Don't take it personally if someone fails to send you a card or gift this year.

10. Consult with a professional mediator if you feel you need an expert opinion or more personal assistance.

New Holiday Traditions

2011-11-20T12:03:00.000-08:00

This post is a version of an email that I received from my friend Deb Heller who received it from Paul Rotmil. We do not know who the original author is but this is my rewritten version.

Happy Holidays!

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods. But, this year can be different. This year Americans can give the gift of genuine concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse that nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. It's time to think outside the box. Here are 12 great American gift ideas. What else can you think of?

1. Hair cut. Everyone - yes EVERYONE - gets their hair cut. So give gift certificates to your local hair salon or barber.

2. Gym membership or personal training sessions. This is an appropriate gift for everyone who talks about improving their health.

3. Car detailing. Car detail shops and car washes love to sell gift certificates.

4. Home repairs. The local handyman can sell you his time. Or perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like his/her lawn mowed or driveway sealed, plowed, or shoveled.

5. Golf green fees or tickets to sporting events, a play, movie, concert, or the ballet at your hometown theater. Want to make this a really special gift? Join the gift recipient.

6. Gift certificates to local restaurants. If the recipient isn't into fancy eateries, consider breakfast or coffee at the local diner or breakfast joint. Think about side-stepping the big national chains and showing support for your home town restauranteur whose financial life is on the line.

7. Oil change for the car, truck or motorcycle. Remember the shop run by your working neighbor.

8. Cleaning lady or home organizer for the day. I could really use this.

9. Computer tune-up. Or give your over-50 gift recipients a lesson on their computer or smart phone.

10. Local artists and crafts people knit, crochet, make jewelry, spin pottery, and create art in all forms. Shop local art fairs and take a look at Etsy.com.

11. Your time - which is your most valuable resource. Share your time with a friend or relative. You can spend your time together serving the community in a soup kitchen, or by visiting a children's hospital or nursing home.

12. Craigslist and neighborhood garage sale items. It is better to recycle the stuff that is in our garages than it is to put it into landfills.

This year, plan your holiday outings at local, owner-operated restaurants that showcase local bands. And leave your server a nice big tip. And, speaking of tips - if you give the mailman, trash guy, or babysitter a cash gift also make a request that they spend that money in the local economy and not on goods made in a foreign country.

We are ready for a revolution of caring about each other. Christmas should no longer be about buying more crap from China. You already have enough junk in your garage. Instead, this year, focus on caring about your neighbor and encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away. When we care about our neighbors and our communities the benefits come back to us in magical ways. THIS should be the new American Christmas tradition.

Please feel free to copy this post, mail it to everyone on your mailing list, post it to a discussion group or on Craigslist, or send it to the editor of your local newspaper, radio station, and TV news department.

I was not dog crazy until I met my Stella

2011-11-15T12:46:00.000-08:00

Six years ago, as David and I were on our way to stock-up at Costco, I felt a pull. Something was directing me to pass the store and keep going. “Let’s go to the humane society, I’ve got a funny feeling” I said. “OK” David responded, humoring me. We already had two elderly cats and they provided some real barriers to bringing any other animals home. Clearly he assumed we would be lookers, not takers.

At the shelter, we walked up and down the rows of cages, visiting with the inmates sitting in their sad death row cells. One of the wardens approached us. I told her about our cats. She was quiet for a few seconds and then she ushered us past the rows of cages and into the cat room. There, clearly out of place, amongst all the caged kittens, was a spunky black and white puppy in a big cage. The attendant opened the cage. The puppy dashed out, much more interested in her new freedom than in us. She ran around in circles – clearly delighted to have sprung the coop. I took her “cat room” confines as an omen. “We’ll take her" I said. David stood there, too shocked to speak.

A few days later, when the paperwork was complete, we left the shelter with our Stella. The attendant beamed and my eyes welled up with tears as she looked at us and said “see, sometimes life starts out tough and then it all works out really well.” I knew Stella was one lucky puppy and we would give her a good life.

During the last six years, both David and I have both built strong bonds with Stella who is a master communicator. Her boarder collie genes prepared her to communicate with the sheep herder and primed her to use emotion, hers and ours, instead of words. She is able to read us and to get her message across with amazing accuracy. Stella often acts as my sounding board, listening as I work things out. And, she teaches us about life and ourselves by mirroring those hidden traits we are not comfortable exposing.

Here are the three things Stella wants you to know.

1. Shelter dogs are the best dogs. Do not buy a dog from a pet store as most of them were bred in puppy mills. If you must, find a reputable breeder but that should be your second choice – for a variety of reasons.

2. Communities that don’t allow animal companions are missing out. A loyal dog or cat can change an elderly person’s outlook on life. And, by opening up to pets you expand the pool of potential buyers for property resale and so increase property values. Do not live in a community that doesn’t allow pets, something is wrong with people who don’t want animals around.

3. Life is full of delicious surprises. So get out there, smell around, and find them. And, then share the news – there is always something to bark about.

Five years ago we expanded our family and adopted another dog, so Stella would have a playmate. Our beloved Roscoe is not as brilliant a communicator as Stella but he is gentle and loving and a valued addition to our family.

The Best Way To Get Over A Break-up

2011-11-06T05:26:00.000-08:00

Q. What's the best way to get over a break-up?

I have Action and Attitude Strategies. Here they are:

Action Strategies

1. Create a concrete plan of action. List your personal resources and how you will use those resources during the next month, six months, and year ahead.

2. The key to healing from a break-up is having a strong support system. Create your support system by inviting quality people to join in your inner circle. This support system should include family members, old friends, and new friends. Find other singles that share a common interest - even if you have to organize an event or special project yourself. Connect with your neighbors and members of your community. Start or join a support group or meet-up. Make time for sharing breakfast, a movie, or a potluck meal. Some time to yourself is fine but it is critical that you avoid isolation and feeling alone.

3. Become an activist. Make a difference. Get involved with a cause that is bigger than your personal problems.

4. Meditate and breathe. When we are anxious we tend to hold our breath. Using a breathing meditation allows us to take in more oxygen. And, more oxygen allows us to think more clearly.

5. Explore local resources. Act like a tourist, but the goal is to become an expert on what your city has to offer. Find free or inexpensive activities in your community. Take a walk. Visit the park, beach, museum, and public library.

6. If finances are tight, find more creative ways to access the goods and services you need. Barter. Recycle. Negotiate. Create.

7. Clean-out the clutter and get rid of unnecessary reminders of your Ex. When your physical space is disorganized it produces a negative reflection. When you clean up your house you are honoring your home - the temple of your soul. Getting rid of "stuff" is one way to make room for the new person.

8. Live within your means and clean-up your credit. Enlist professional assistance or the aid of a friend who knows how to create a budget.

9. Adopt. Rescue a pet from a shelter and receive unconditional love and companionship in return.

Attitude Strategies

1. Start the morning with a positive affirmation.

2. Make a gratitude list and focus on the ways that the glass of your life is half (or more) full. Concentrate on the good - the things that give you joy in life.

3. Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate. Create new celebratory rituals to enjoy this year and in the years to come.

4. Avoid comparing your insides to someone else's outsides. When you think of yourself as the victim you further feed the negative emotions. Each life has high and low points. Almost everyone experiences a rejection, break-up, or divorce in his/her adult life and for most its a low point. So when you look around and everyone else seems happy remember that you are not the only one who has had to live through this experience.

5. See your break-up as an opportunity to shift gears. Don't dwell on your losses; mourn them, and let them go.

6. Accept those around you as they are. Focus instead on what can be changed in you and your attitudes.

7. When you are down, remind yourself that next year will be different, next year YOU will be different, and everything is temporary.

8. Use this time of transition as a time of assessment. Figure out what mistakes you made in the relationship and how you will avoid these mistakes in the future. A therapist or support group can help in this endeavor.

9. Call a truce with your Ex. Especially if you have children, let him/her know that you want to find solutions that work for both of you. It's hard to argue with someone who says "I want to find solutions that work for you and for me."

10. Give yourself time. Don't rush into the next relationship because you are lonely or feel rejected. The longer you wait the better your chances of success. It's OK to look (be a shopper) but don't buy too fast.

After A Break-up - With No Kids Involved - Is It OK To Stay In Touch With Your Ex's Family?

2011-11-06T05:17:00.000-08:00

Q: After a break up - with no children involved - is it OK to stay in touch with your Ex's family?

The answer is - it depends. There is no one-size-fits-all answer for all break-ups but here are some general guide lines.

If you are the "dumpee" and feeling shattered it is a terrible idea to stay in touch with your Ex's family. Ironically, however, these are the people who will clutch onto the old connections with the hope of learning any tidbit of news about the Ex - to their own detriment. If this is you, what you should do instead, is let those family members know that for a while you will need to lick your wounds and heal away from the former partner and when you are ready you will contact them again. However, in reality, when you have really moved on you will know that there is no reason for connecting with the Ex's relatives AND you will have no interest in them anyway.

If you are the "dumper" and your Ex is distressed the decent thing to do is to step aside. Let the family member's know that you will miss them terribly but you want to do whatever is best for the Ex and his/her healing.

If your break-up is very mutual; you have grown apart and everyone is on board with the idea of moving on, you can stay in contact with your Ex's relatives. If in fact the only reason you stayed together this long is your love for the other's family you should explain that to them. And, then expect things to change anyway. Once you are not related by blood or marriage you will no longer be a true part of the tribe. However, while you are working on restructuring and rebuilding your new life the old family members can still provide some level of support. However, while there may not be a need for a quick or clean break you should be moving towards replacing them in your inner circle.

Aging: The Last Frontier: My Notes On Being An Elder In A Changing World

2011-11-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

Last week David and I attended a magical weekend gathering - The Mankind Project's USA Gathering of Elders in Indianola, Iowa. Most of MKP's events are "men only" so this was a rare opportunity to share the energy of this powerful community and the coming together of elder women and men. Robert Moore was the key note speaker. Bill Kauth and Zoe Alowan gave a thought provoking presentation. And, I participated in a women-only retreat entitled Aging-to-Saging led by Rosemary Cox based on the work of Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi. Here are my take-away points:

1. As a people and a planet, we are shifting into a new consciousness. This ordeal, which includes an unprecedented economic and spiritual crisis, is going to continue into the next decade. The good news is that never before in history have there been so many resources.

2. Elders can help others deal with the new reality. But, we'll need the energy and courage to act. Amidst the bearers of despair we need to be the bearers of hope. We need to ask "how are we going to create, build, and occupy our new world?"

3. We have been colonized by the military, financial, medical, agricultural, religious, and industrial complexes. This colonization is about empire building. (The young people protesting in the middle-east (and Occupy for that matter) could have chosen to be terrorists. Instead, they chose to take a stand against Empire.)

4. Robert Moore's name for the Universal Energy Force is "The Great It." He says "It" cannot be named. But "It" is in you and you are "It." All we need to do is let the energy of "It" shine through us. (BTW, "It" doesn't like empire building.)

5. The science we hope for is already here. Take a look at the Human Energy Systems Alliance.

6. Elder versus elderly. Aging is the process of becoming the final product of creation. 55-75 is the liberation phase, 67-90 is the summing up phase. Do we see the aging population as a resource or as a problem?

7. Every generation becomes flavored with the essence of its time. And, the brain rewires itself to fulfill the role we play in society.

8. We live too short and we die too long.

9. Exercise increases blood flow and oxygen to the brain. In addition to exercise, learning something new, mental stimulation, and new experiences are good for the brain. Visit Lumosity for computer games for the brain.

10. Forgiveness is a part of the elder's process of life review and life repair. Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves - whether we are forgiving ourselves or someone else. The goal of forgiveness is to free ourselves to live more freely and to become more inwardly vibrant. Without forgiveness we perpetuate grief, stay fixated on the past, and remain connected to the "offender." Just by saying "I want to forgive ___" we change the pathways in the brain. The feeling can then catch up to the choice. The path to forgiveness can be a long journey. Honor the feelings - don't deny them or you bury them alive. "I forgive myself. I was just young."

11. I was disappointed there was no mention of Susan Jacoby's book Never Say Die: The Myth and Marketing Of The New Old Age. Maybe at next years USAGE or MKP's World Elder Gathering 2013 in Australia.

All manner of good things will come to you now. Blessings, Elinor

Thirty Five Years of Mediation: Why Haven't We Come Farther?

2011-11-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

With Co-author/Guest blogger Professor Susan F. Dubow

The history:

Using mediation to resolve disputes can be traced, across a variety of cultures, to biblical and ancient times. In this country, the founding fathers recognized the process but mediation did not have a valid place in American policy until 1946 when the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service (FMCS) was formed to resolve labor disputes. During the 1960s the seeds for paradigm shifts and social change were planted and cultivated. The civil rights, feminist, environmental, and peace movements were born. There was dissatisfaction with governmental and other institutions and the courts were backlogged. A push for a better way to resolve disputes ensued.

In 1976 Chief Justice Warren Burger held a conference and ceremony to commemorate the 70th anniversary of legal scholar Roscoe Pound’s presentation The Causes of Popular Dissatisfaction with the Administration of Justice to the American Bar Association. Pound’s paper of 1906 changed the direction of the American courts. At the Pound Conference of 1976 legal scholars met to brainstorm possible improvements to the American legal system. The potential of the mediation process was acknowledged and Chief Justice Berger “blessed” the start of the ADR movement. That was 35 years ago. Today, the average person and the average legislator still don't really understand or appreciate the concept or how mediation can be best utilized.

Together, Susan and I have spent more than a half century in the mediation industry. We created a mediation training business www.MediationTrainingGroup.com and during the last eleven years we’ve trained more than 10,000 professionals in the mediation process. We believe tremendous brain power and effort has been devoted to the process and profession. But, ultimately when we compare mediation to other things that have been around since the mid-1970s we are disappointed. We ask ourselves “what went wrong?” “Why haven't we come further?” “Why hasn’t mediation made it into the “cultural mind?” We spend a lot of time asking ourselves and other mediators these questions.

As we see it, there are nine things wrong with the mediation picture.

1. When the human animal (like other animals) feels threatened the initial response is fight, flight or freeze. People in conflict want blood, vengeance, and validation. Asking someone in conflict to collaborate is contrary to biology. Mediators have not found a way around the physiology.

2. Most mediators are not able to create and maintain an environment safe enough for true collaboration. Mediation horror stories abound. People often emerge from the process feeling railroaded and coerced.

3. Even after thirty five years there is still reluctance on the part of the legal industry to accept the mediation process as a stand-alone method of dispute resolution. Instead mediation is often viewed as a component of the litigation process. (Is mediation still perceived as McJustice or is there a fear that mediation will cut into the finances and power the status quo affords?)

4. Advocacy is much sexier than peacemaking. Remember, super-heros don’t sit down and work-it-out with the bad guys.

5. There is no American Mediation Association. Without a national organization no one is there to give us a unified voice, protect our legislative interests, or promote good mediation PR.

6. Mediators work in a wide range of niche markets, facing different issues and interests. (For instance, mediators in the financial services arena operate in a different world and with a different world view than those who provide Victim-Offender Mediation.)

7. Baseball, Middle-East, and other highly visible mediation processes often bring no resolution.

8. The results of the mediation process are typically narrow. Until we can broaden the effect and actually provide transformation the participants and the public have nothing to talk about. And, without that buzz we are going nowhere.

9. While many mediators are persuasive magicians, capable of amazingly altering perceptions, ultimately we mediators suffer from a unique form of low self-esteem. Many of us refuse to even embrace the title “Mediator.” Instead we identify ourselves and each other as Attorney-Mediator, Therapist-Mediator, Non-Lawyer Mediator, etc. Do we see ourselves as bit players along the Conflict Management Continuum? Is it conflict phobia that fuels the burning desire to eradicate conflict? Or is there another reason that so many of us are willing to work as volunteers, more invested in the outcome than the clients we serve?

Just consider this:

A Westernized form of Hindu meditative techniques arrived in the United States and Europe in the 1960s. A 2007 study by the U.S. government found that nearly 9.4% of U.S. adults (over 20 million) had practiced meditation within the past 12 months, up from 7.6% (more than 15 million people) in 2002. Why has meditation done so much better at going mainstream than mediation?

Steve Jobs founded Apple Computers in 1976. If he had been at the Pound Conference instead of in his garage working on his computer where do you think the mediation process would be today? Who among us has the Jobs-like vision that will be necessary to take us to the next level?

Clearly, current shifts in almost every aspect of our society – economic, familial, political, and environmental – point to the need for a new problem-solving mechanism and mediation just might be an idea whose time has come. So stay tuned. Our next article will focus on what each of us can do so that we are not having the same discussion ten, twenty, or thirty years from now?

Susan F. Dubow, a pioneer in the field of Alternative Dispute Resolution, served as the Director of the Court Mediation and Arbitration Program, the ADR Division of the 17th Judicial Circuit, Broward County, for over 22 years. She is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator and Primary Mediation Trainer and a member of the Florida Supreme Court's Mediator Ethics Advisory Committee. Susan is an Adjunct Professor at Nova Southeastern University's Shepard Broad Law Center, President and CEO of Mediation Training Group, and a Past-president of both The Association of South Florida Mediators and Arbitrators (ASFMA) and The Florida Academy of Professional Mediators (FAPM.)

Egos and Emotions: The Three Things You Need To Know About Conflict and Conflict Management

2011-11-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

What do The Beatles, Joe Robbie Stadium, and Friendster have in common? They were all destroyed by conflict. Our conflicts, which are the inevitable and natural outgrowth of working and living together, can be very productive or very destructive. And, of all the competencies necessary for success in life, the ability to manage interpersonal conflict is one of the most critical. My 22 years of working with people in conflict provided the foundation of my philosophy of conflict. Here are the three essentials components of my conflict philosophy that you need to know:

1. Under every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected - basically devalued. And, while there is no consensus on the definition of conflict I find conflict is best defined as “a result of differences in perception regarding what is and what could or should be.” So, when faced with conflict my first step is to look at the perceptions and the emotions involved.

2. Effective conflict managers use conflict to promote positive growth, solve problems, engage in brainstorming, improve relationships, lessen tension, and eliminate long-standing problems. On the other hand, when conflict is not managed properly it can destroy you, your family, or your organization. In my own life, when my commitment to a relationship is high I am willing to walk through the ugly tunnel of conflict to clear the air and get a positive result.

3. I believe, practice, and teach nine critical conflict management strategies. Everyone should know how to use these strategies - The inner circle; The safe space; Shared vision/values and complementary skills/traits; 5 Negotiation styles; UVP: What's in it for me; External, internal and purpose driven motivation; Difficult conversations; The power of the apology; and Delegate this task.

Having a conflict management framework in place will provide you with a guide for addressing conflict when stress is high and allow you to act as a mediator for the fights and feuds of those around you. Stay tuned. There's more to follow.

An Open Letter To Kim Kardashian

2011-11-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Kim,

Marriage is difficult and every marriage presents challenges. In your marriage the stress of celebrity made the path even harder. Sadly, in our society there is no real marriage preparation. Why? Well, when the pre-marital hormones are running high, no one wants it. But, how can young people learn what it takes to make marriage work when all they have it the romantic fantasy the media provides?

Your divorce may also turn out to be sadder than the average divorce. In longer marriages the partners have had a chance to emotionally detach and disconnect. Here you were in white one day and in the lawyer’s office the next. Oh, how I wish you had discussed your impending divorce with me prior to going public. We would have discussed marriage, timing, patience, and the feelings of being disrespected and devalued that accompany most divorcees.

For now, all that I can offer you is these nine pearls of wisdom. So, Kim, here is what you need to know as you enter into the tunnel of divorce.

1. Avoid isolating and tap into your support network. Your support network will be the key to your success as you move through the transition of divorce. Now is a good time to include a professional (a therapist) in your support team.

2. Assess, assess, assess. Divorce involves restructuring and rebuilding the physical, financial, social, psychological, logistical, and legal aspects of your life. That’s a lot to put on an already full plate. So this is the perfect time to assess and re-create your life as you want it to be. While you figure it all out, avoid making new commitments and keep your financial and time restrictions in mind.

3. Cut your losses. Don't waste time arguing over the details with Kris. You will find that you get more when you go with the flow and give in. So be flexible and open to unseen possibilities when you negotiate the final settlement.

4. Let go of the past. Change is the only guaranty we have in life. Avoid dwelling on how things could have been. Instead look to the future and march on.

5. Don't jump into a new relationship just because you don't want to be "alone." Instead, enjoy your time as a single woman.

6. Like all of us, your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. Your uncanny ability to make headlines out of nothing has served you well. But, your media magnetism will make it difficult to get the time and privacy that you need to quietly lick your wounds and heal.

7. There is a Universal Law that no one gets a free ride. High highs bring low lows. You know, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Now is your time to feel the pain of humiliation. And, after all that glory, it’s gonna be big. But, don’t worry, everything in life is temporary and this too shall pass.

8. In divorce the fight serves a purpose and is a critical part of the process. (Of course, I believe that the fight is best staged in the mediator’s office and not in a courtroom.) The fight will (a) confirm that reconciliation is not an option; (b) provide a method for exposing past hurts; (c) keep the connection alive until the lesser connected partner is ready to let go; (d) allow each of you to point the finger at the other and so avoid looking at yourself and your individual failures; and (e) lessen your feelings of guilt and failure. So, yes, the fight is important but keep it as short and as private as possible.

So, that’s it, Kim. Call me if you need a mediator. And, remember I can do a sisters-in-conflict case too.

Best regards, Elinor

Do I Need A Lawyer To Get A Divorce?

2011-10-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

The question I am asked the most: Do I need a lawyer to get a divorce?

NO!! Hiring an attorney is one way to get to divorce court. But, there are actually three ways to get through the legal process of divorce. Another option is to fill-out and file your paperwork on your own. Or, you and your spouse can hire a mediator who can help you reach an agreement and prepare your paperwork. There is no one-size-fits-all process. Each option should bring you the same result – a divorce. But, each option has its own set of strengths and weaknesses. Here is what you need to know about each option so you can pick the process that is best for you.

Option #1 – Do It Yourself (DIY) Divorce. DIY Divorce is a good option for couples who have few or no assets, low incomes, and no minor children. So if your situation is uncomplicated you may want to fill-out and file the forms you need for your divorce on your own. In Florida all the forms you need are available on-line, for free, at www.flcourts.org. Alternatively, you can buy a form packet at your local courthouse. And, if you still have questions basic assistance is available at the courthouse for a low fee. Finally, if you and your spouse end up with an unresolved issue the Judge will send you to court-annexed mediation so that a mediator can help you reach an agreement.

Option #2a – The Traditional Attorney-driven Divorce. Hiring an attorney is your best option if you need protection from your spouse or if your spouse has already retained a lawyer. If you are unaware of what the marital assets are or how much your spouse earns a divorce attorney can investigate all of these details. Additionally, if you feel intimidated because of domestic violence or coercion, negotiating without a divorce lawyer is a bad idea. You can find a lawyer through your local and state Bar Association’s Lawyer Referral Service. Or ask friends and relatives for referrals. It is wise to choose a lawyer whose practice is focused on divorce related matters. Ultimately, when the lawyers are done with their investigation/discovery and confident they have sufficient knowledge to effectively negotiate, you, your spouse, and your lawyers will go to mediation. Chances are that at the end of a marathon mediation session (up to twelve hours) you and your spouse will have a signed settlement agreement. If however mediation is unsuccessful and no agreement is reached you will go to trial and a Judge will decide what happens to your money and your kids post-divorce.

Option #2b – The Collaborative Attorney-driven Divorce. Another slant on the Attorney-driven Divorce is Collaborative Divorce. Here each spouse hires an individual Collaborative lawyer and agrees up-front to share other experts, such as an accountant, business valuator, or child psychologist. The parties and their attorneys are committed to negotiating, using shared information and the feedback of the chosen experts. The Attorneys may also choose to use Divorce Coaches and/or Mediators. But, if the negotiations are unsuccessful the Collaborative Attorneys will not go to trial. Instead, the couple will have to select new attorneys and start the process over from the beginning. This process works well when all the people involved work well together. On the other hand if one of the parties really doesn’t want to move forward s/he can side-track the process and hold the other spouse – who may not be financially or emotionally able to start the process over with new lawyers – hostage.

Option #3 – ProSe/Pre-suit Mediation. (Pro-se means self-represented or unrepresented – in essence without lawyers and Pre-suit means before a law suit has been filed.) This option involves hiring a mediator, instead of two attorneys before, any documents are filed. Couples that want to save time/money and side-step the negative nature of an attorney-driven divorce but still believe that they need the assistance of a knowledgeable professional often find this option attractive. Mediators that offer Pro-se/Pre-suit mediation are trained to guide divorcing couples towards agreement, an uncontested divorce, and a friendlier future. The mediator can also prepare the necessary court documents and forms. And, before or during the mediation process, which typically happens in two or three sessions over the course of a few weeks, either party can consult with (but not retain) an attorney, CPA, or other expert if s/he feels the need for advice. Alternatively, either party can decide to stop the process and retain an attorney instead. At A Friendly Divorce we provide ProSe/PreSuit Divorce Mediation. And at Friendly Divorce Training we teach other professionals to do the same.

Conclusion

The DIY Divorce can get you where you want to go, just like public transportation (the bus) can get you from one place to another. But the process may be slow and crowded so it works best if you don’t have too much baggage. Hiring a lawyer for a Traditional Attorney-driven divorce is like hiring a taxi or limo to get you where you want to go. You will get there but someone else will be choosing the route. That’s OK if you feel you need or want an individual "guide." It will not be good if you disagree with your “driver’s” plan or you believe that the driver is running up the meter. Hiring a lawyer for a Collaborative divorce is like renting a 15-person van: everyone is in there together, taking turns behind the wheel. Because everyone is riding together a lot of scheduling may be necessary. But if you have the right team, which includes you and your soon-to-be Ex, everyone is heading in the same direction. Choosing ProSe/PreSuit Mediation is like renting a car – you are given a vehicle that you and your spouse navigate and drive. Along the way you must agree on what route to take and how fast to go. If you get lost you can stop and ask for additional (or individual) directions or you can ditch the car and call separate cabs.

7 Tips For Creating A Successful Second Marriage

2011-10-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

Second marriages fail at an alarmingly high rate. No surprise. Second marriages are generally loaded with conflict triggers. Kids, in-laws, joint and individual finances, and inner-circle loyalties shoot arrows from all directions at the re-married couple. And, once you've been divorced - and survived the upheaval - its easier to accept a second break-up. So, what can you do to create a successful second (or third) marriages? Here are my top 7 tips:

1. Marry the right person. Commitment cannot be negotiated so find a partner who is committed and really wants to be married to you. Your spouse should share both your vision for your marriage and your values. Don't marry someone who is struggling with an active addiction. Instead, seek out a partner who is able to put you first and expresses his/her love with the same love language (acts of service, shared time, gifts and money, physical affection, or words of praise) you use.

2. Clean-out the clutter. Items that hold strong emotional charges to your previous life can be psychically intrusive and draining. Your physical space should be a shared space that you hold together. If one of you feels like a visitor in your home it will take a toll on your relationship.

3. Get comfortable holding difficult conversations. Avoiding tough issues allows them to fester and grow. Instead, designate which one of you will be the speaker (the presenter) and which will be the receiver (the listener). The speaker should speak in the "I" focusing on his/her experience; avoiding blame and fault finding. The listener's job is just to listen and understand, not to fix the situation. If talking is too difficult start off by writing each other letters.

4. Live within your means and clean-up your credit. You already know which one of you is "the saver" and which is "the spender." Put "the saver" in charge of all joint funds. Doling out the resources can be challenging, especially in these tough times, so consider maintaining separate accounts in addition to a joint account. Sometimes partners equate money with a sense of value. Be conscious of this when you are negotiating personal allowances and spending priorities.

5. Put each other first - before your kids, parents, friends, or jobs. A spouse who feels that they are in second place will ultimately becomes resentful. And, that resentment eats away at the connection.

6. Work together as a team. Marriage works best when the partners don't see things in terms of a win-lose balance sheet. A sports team is most successful when everyone pulls together for the common good - so is a marriage. Create a shared vision for your marriage and pull together to make it happen.

7. Keep your expectations in check. Don't expect it to be easy. Don't expect your partner to be perfect. And, don't expect your partner to do/say/be what you want him/her to do/say/be. Forget your expectations and focus on the positive instead.

Thirty Five Years of Mediation: Why Haven't We Come Farther?

2011-10-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

Using mediation to resolve disputes can be traced, across a variety of cultures, to biblical and ancient times. In this country, the founding fathers recognized the process but mediation did not have a valid place in American policy until 1946 when the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service (FMCS) was formed to resolve labor disputes.

The 1960s brought the civil rights, feminist, environmental, and peace movements along with dissatisfaction with governmental and other institutions. These cultural trends planted the seeds for paradigm shifts and social change. The courts were backlogged and so a push for a better way to resolve disputes ensued.

In 1976 Chief Justice Warren Burger held a conference and ceremony to commemorate the anniversary of Pound’s Paper of 1906 in St Paul, Minnesota. At the Roscoe Pound Conference of 1976 legal scholars met to brainstorm possible improvements to the American legal system. The potential of the mediation process was acknowledged and Chief Justice Berger gave his “blessing” to the start of the ADR movement as we know it. That was 35 years ago. Today, the average person and the average legislator still doesn't understand the concept and how the mediation can be best utilized. What went wrong? Why haven't we come further? What can we do so that we are not having the same discussion ten, twenty, or thirty years from now?

PS. A Westernized form of Hindu meditative techniques arrived in the United States and Europe in the 1960s. A 2007 study by the U.S. government found that nearly 9.4% of U.S. adults (over 20 million) had practiced meditation within the past 12 months, up from 7.6% (more than 15 million people) in 2002. Why has meditation done so much better than mediation?

Post Divorce Conflict

2011-09-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

Recently I was asked a question about using therapy as a mechanism to end the on-going conflict that many co-parents experience post divorce.

While I am licensed as a therapist, I don't practice therapy - only mediation. I do believe that while the mediation process is not therapy, it is therapeutic. And, if co-parents, with issues, are willing to come into mediation the process can bring amazing results.

Sadly, people sometimes believe that divorce will put a stop to the family issues they are facing. Then the reality hits: As long as there are children, co-parents are stuck with each other and the same issues will continue to pop up and play out until someone does something differently. And, believe it or not, I can tell you what the main issue is. It may be masked by something else, wrapped in details, or expressed in terms of money. But, underneath it all, someone (usually both sides) feel devalued. That's what conflict (especially post-divorce conflict) is all about. If co-parents can stop devaluing one another and show the other parent (and the children) that they value one another, the conflict can end. Either parent can go first.

Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker suggests couples use a "Money Mediator" to resolve their spending differences

2011-09-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, suggests couples use a "Money Mediator" to resolve their spending differences. Wow!!
http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1109/24/ybl.01.html

Expectation Management and Divorce.

2011-09-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

When our expectations are in-check we are usually better prepared for what we encounter. But, many people going through the transition of divorce have no idea what to expect. And, not knowing what to expect typically escalates divorce-related stress and anxiety. During a recent divorce mediation training program a multi-disciplinary group of professionals (Stacy Beaulieu, Mark Bilawsky, Tonya Cromartie, Mari Cullen, Susan Daniel, Ed Dieguez, Elizabeth Ermel, Adam Farber, Ruth Gordon, Susan Jacobson, Mike Kesselman, Ray Leon, Elizabeth Mackenzie, Anne Mazer, Goldye Meyer, Nicole Paulino, Lee Rubin, Dawn Saddik, Jennifer Schettewi, Donna Greenspan Solomon, Mark Solomon, Stella Suarez-Rita, Evelyn Tarud, Rick Yabor and me - Elinor Robin) created the following list. Knowing what to expect can ease the divorce transition. Here are 11 things you need to know.

1. Expect change. Your social network and your standard of living are going to change.

2. Expect that dislike for your soon-to-be-ex will be difficult to conceal. However, while it may not be easy, it is important that you avoid sharing this dislike with your children.

3. Expect a sense of failure (as to the failed relationship and the “wasted” years) and loss (of clarity, identity, connection, and self-control) as well as a roller coaster of emotions – fear (psychological, physical, and financial), anger, sadness, depression, joy, relief, anxiety. Pay attention to the duration and intensity of these emotions.

4. Expect – but do not give into - the impetus for a knee-jerk-reaction that puts your children in the middle – where they are used as weapons.

5. Expect more of the same. If you have children and an on-going connection to your ex, divorce may not put an end to the negativity and “issues” that were present in your marriage.

6. Expect that your children will be impacted by your divorce. (Divorce impacts children of all ages.) Keep in mind that the impact your divorce has on your children will be related to the degree and duration of conflict and negativity - before, during, and after the divorce.

7. Expect your ex to have a different experience. There is a big difference in the experience of the “dumper” and the “dumpee.” The initiator has often had time to plan and/or gather information. The other spouse is often caught off guard and needs time to catch his/her breathe after the initial shock.

8. Expect that divorce will take you out of your comfort zone. And, as you wade in unchartered water you will need extra support.

9. Expect to regress into a second adolescence where dating will be difficult, dangerous, and overwhelming.

10. Expect parenting alone to feel overwhelming.

11. Expect that you will make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over your mistakes. Instead, learn from your mistakes so that you emerge from this divorce better, stronger, and more aware.

Marriage Pacts

2011-09-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked some thought provoking questions about Pre-Marital Education and Pre-Marriage Contracts - which I call Marriage Pacts. Here are my answers.

1. Should premarital education be mandatory? (Something similar to the children of divorce workshop that divorcing parents must attend.)

Even though the hormones might prevent the participants from hearing anything said, yes. We may not be able to get people to listen but at least the seed would be planted. And, they would know where to go to look for information when they needed it later on.

And, the mechanism already exists. There is something called Prepare/Enrich. Its an "survey" and training program that can actually predict marital success and pinpoints areas of potential trouble. Some religious denominations require copules to undergo the Prepare/Enrich process before they can get married in their church.

2. Should marriage become a transaction that requires signing a detailed contract to enter, just as we do when applying for and receiving a mortgage to buy a home, a business loan, etc.?

Yes. In order to get a marriage license you should need a signed contract. And, there should be a mandatory "addendum" that needs to be signed before people are allowed to take their child home. (Just like the car-seat requirement.) This would get people to legally commit while the bonding (to the child) hormones are high and the children would win. (However, ultimately, no one should have a child - man or woman - unless s/he is prepared to raise that child him/herself.)

3. Would such a requirement induce more thought of behalf of those desiring to get married? Would marriage be taken more seriously by many, be seen for what it is and should be, even if the idea is a romance buzzkill? Would it prove, in the long run, more helpful to people? Or is this whole idea foolishness?

It's a great idea. If you cannot sit down with your beloved and hold a difficult conversation (while you are in the window of hormone induced connection) about where you are, where you want to go, and how you plan on getting there then you will not be able to hold a difficult conversation later, once the hormone rush is gone and the dulldrum of daily life has set in.

4. Should there be mandatory on-going educational or counseling requirements within marriages, sort of like a continuing ed for professionals?

No. However, as part of the Marriage Pact couples should agree to a yearly review and tune-up. Most of the couples I see went into auto pilot, got busy with the tasks of life, and ignored their bond. They didn't notice this until the bond had deteriorated.

Right now the move is away from marriage. The rate of babies being born to unmarried parents is very high and growing. So, couples know marriage doesn't work. They just don't know what else to do.

Sunday Morning Congress Conflict Commentary

2011-07-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

The on-line mediator discussion groups are buzzing about how mediation could help congress with the current budget mess. There's talk of bringing Bill Clinton in to act as mediator.

I have a somewhat different perspective. As I see it, now is the time to enlist, position, and anoint a mediator as our national conflict expert so the American people (not congress) can start learning about mediation and the role the process can play when its time for an ugly conversation.

Because congress is too pig-headed to actually allow a mediator to help what we (mediators) should be doing is getting on TV to show the American people what could be done. Mediation is just assisted negotiation. Clearly congress needs assistance with their negotiations. But, they don't want assistance. The American people need to be using their "persuasive techniques." We mediators just need to educate the people about how that works.

This is also a great time to promote the idea of electing mediators to public office. The bottom line is this mess was - to a large extent - created by the special interests who are running the show. And, its going to be a difficult battle ahead. However, if we had some mediators in congress we would be in much better shape.

Tsuris

2011-07-17T09:29:00.001-07:00

The Yiddish word Tsuris (tso͝oris) is translated as troubles or problems. But, the feeling (and the punch) of the word is lost in translation. The word tsuris goes beyond problems. The connotation is insurmountable difficulties or woes of the worst kind. Interestingly, the word tsuris is almost always used as a plural - this must be because problems that are judged as tsuris always travel in packs.

Recently a friend was complaining about her "situation." I felt little sympathy but wasn't sure why. (I am not usually so heartless.) And then I realized that she had knowingly created the mess AND she had the power (but it would take some unpleasantness) to clean it up.

There are two kinds of problems: the ones we create and the ones that fall into our laps. After an honest assessment regarding one's level of responsibility, these two types of problems can be viewed with different lenses. And then, after the brief analysis of problem creation, its time to move onto problem solution. Problems have two possible outcomes. Some I have the power to solve. And, some are outside of my sphere of influence - I cannot really do anything about them. When faced with a problem that I have the power to solve I have to get to it. When faced with a problem that I cannot solve, all I can do is let go and be patient as the resolution unfolds.

If you are faced with problem/s. Take a good look. How much did you bring on yourself? How much is truly uninvited? (This might be the universe giving you a wake-up call.) While it might mean an unpleasant undertaking, is it within your power to solve your problem? Or is what happens next beyond your control?

May your have no tsuris.

Friendly Divorce Trend Discussed in WSJ

2011-07-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303544604576430341393583056.html

This article - from Saturday's Wall Street Journal - provides an excellent explanation of one of the key cultural factors that is fueling the trend away from attorney-driven divorce and towards the more humane and family-friendly approach.

North Central Florida Mediators

2011-07-12T03:24:00.000-07:00

We (the host committee Linda Chapman, Martha Johnston, Kevin Lunsford, and me - Elinor Robin) are holding the kick-off meeting of the Association of North Central Florida Mediators today at noon at the Northwest Grille, which is located at 5115 NW 39th Ave, Gainesville. Please join us.

Casey Anthony Thoughts

2011-07-06T05:49:00.000-07:00

What do you think motivates those people who seem obsessed with seeing Casey Anthony fry? Why do these over reactors wait for hours to get into the courthouse? Yes, this is a very sad case but it seems to me that the Nancy Grace clones are more about being judgmental than just.

Jeff Ashton did not prove Casey guilty of murder. But, he did prove himself a jerk - for example - during the closing when Jose Baez was speaking and he was laughing. Baez got angry and called him "laughing man." What was Ashton thinking? Someone is on trial - facing death - and he is laughing. Surely, this cost him with the jury. In my mind this was a manslaughter case that he tried to turn into a lifetime achievement. The whole thing was a huge waste of limited resources.

As to Casey, as we speak, she is probably working on the book, her contract with Playboy, and her new dancing act. But, don't worry. She may walk this time but this damaged human being is a walking time bomb. Clearly, she is not going to go forward and have a nice, normal life.

Finally, and most important, what about the millions of children who are abused, abandoned, and neglected each year? Who is outraged about them? If one really cares about children it would be much more productive to focus some attention and anger to a bigger cause, and help the next Caylee Anthony.

We all give a little

2011-07-05T03:32:00.000-07:00

Donny Deutch this morning on MSNBC talking about possible tax increases: "Forget for a minute that you are a Republican. Doesn't it make sense that we all give a little - especially the richest?" Talk about common sense. Why doesn't congress see that?

Why doesn't Donny Deutch have a Face Book page?

Advice For The Novice and Wanna-be Mediator

2011-07-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

Recently, in an on-line mediator forum someone posted the following question. "I'm a lawyer with twenty-one years of experience in a variety of types of law. I'm thinking of shifting gears and mediation might be a great next step for me. Does anyone have any tips? How did you decide to become a mediator? What courses or training materials helped you? Did you have anything particular in your background that you found especially helpful? Any guidance appreciated."

A long dialogue between mediators ensued. I contributed four times to the discussion. Here's what I had to say:

Post #1. In my opinion, before you make any decisions there are some significant pieces of information you will need. First, does your state certify mediators? If so you will want to go to a training program approved by your local courts. Basically mediators fall into two categories - family/divorce and commercial/civil. While you may decide to be trained in both areas it is important - for marketing and other purposes - that you are clear on who you are (your brand) and what you are "selling." When you say "shift gears" I am assuming that you are talking about giving up the practice of law and become a full-time mediator. In order to make that happen you will need both mediation competence and good connections. Talk to some lawyers who have successfully made the transition and see what they say. I also suggest you read Tammy Lenski's book - "Making Mediation Your Day Job." Finally, if you decide that you will be a family/divorce mediator you will also want to decide if your target market is represented parties or pro-se couples. If you decide that you want to build a practice in the growing field of pro-se/pre-suit divorce mediation please consider attending my upcoming training - Friendly Divorce Mediation Training: Make Money, Make a Difference - www.FriendlyDivorceTraining.com. I wish you all the best in your new endeavor. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions that I can answer for you.

Post #2. In the current economy it is wise to pursue multiple streams of income. Mediation can provide a steady income stream if you are committed to investing the time and effort necessary for building a business that provides a quality product. Mediators can use (a) court annexed programs to build connections and gain experience and (b) administrative agency cases to supplement a private practice. However, the mainstay of a mediation practice should be client elected cases in a niche market. Like all service businesses the mediator must actively market him/herself and offer clients real value.

Post #3. It just so happens that we are in the right place at the right time. The legal services industry is undergoing a huge shift and as mediators we can strategically position ourselves to benefit from the shift. Take a look at this article from the recent edition of the ABA Journal. http://www.abajournal.com/magazine/article/paradigm_shift Law Job Stagnation May Have Started Before the Recession—And It May Be a Sign of Lasting Change

Post #4. I agree with Sam about the challenges we face as a profession. Yes, we should have followed the social work model when training standards were created thirty years ago. And, we still have no national voice, lobbyist, or PR spokesperson. Oh well. We are a profession in its infancy. Twenty years from now this profession will look very different. (Just notice how many universities are now offering programs in mediation and conflict management.) Often people who take my 40-hour training do not get certified, never mediate a case, and still tell me that the training changed their lives because it changed the way they look at and handle conflict. Yes, Sam is correct; there are many mediocre mediators out there. (But, there are many mediocre lawyers, doctors, and waiters too.) The market has a way of sorting out the good from the bad. I do not like the 40-hour training concept. However, I know that the first 40-hours are just an intro. Those who want to really learn the craft need to keep current with continuing ed. But, on the flip side, since mediation is so much more of an art than a science, without some natural talent all the training in the world cannot make certain personality types masterful mediators. And, while competence is important, it’s not enough. I believe that building a mediation practice is all about marketing - which I define as the ability to convey a vision of how one's product/service can give the client/customer value. If you can do that you can succeed as a mediator or anything else.

Emotion and the Dance of Connection

2011-06-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

Recent research in Emotionally Focused Therapy: The best predictor of marital success is the female partner's faith in the male partner's caring. The best predictor of the female partner having an affair is her lack of faith in her partner's caring.

I recently attended a seminar on Emotionally Focused Therapy. Michael Barnett was the speaker. I was really impressed with his wisdom. According to Michael:

1. 93% of communication is non-verbal and emotional. So, what is emotion? "Emotion is information, not something to purge, cathart, or work through. Research has shown that emotional information precedes linguistic information. It is the fundamental meaning system that has neurological primacy. We feel before we think."

2. We can regulate intense distress through connection. And, couples can regulate each others physiology and immune responses.

3. Adult attachment is reciprocal. A partner makes "a bid" for connection. The couples that accept each others bids make it. The couples who turn away or reject each others bids fail.

4. When humans get angry they don't feel hurt, rejected, lonely, abandoned. So, anger is often used to regulate these other, more painful, emotions.

5. How would you define emotional maturity? (Google it.)

Why do we marry?

2011-06-29T05:22:00.000-07:00

Well, with all this talk of gay marriage/gay divorce I have been asked the question - from someone who chose not to marry - Why do we marry? Here is my answer.

There are many, many reasons - financial, social, etc - some of which go back to the caveman (caveperson) days but still play out in our biology and brain chemistry. I believe that good marriages have a purpose. And, when that purpose is accomplished its important that a couple find/create another purpose or the marriage gets stale. (Stale to me means the bond/the connection rots out and dies.) Of course many marriages start out with the purpose of creating or raising a family. I was at a seminar recently and the presenter said "mammels soothe in pairs." That remark really made sense to me. Life is tough. In my mind, when a marriage provides a place to be soothed the marriage is a success. The human need for connection is met in marriage. HOWEVER, marriage is difficult and being married to the wrong person (who is unsafe versus soothing) is torture. Whats the difference? In the animal kingdom when an animal feels under threat it will fight, flight, freeze, or submit. If someone is engaging in those behaviors in their marriage its a red flag. When animals feel safe/soothed they play, eat, relax, mate. So why do we marry? To create an envirnment where we will be able to play, eat, relax, and mate. And, whats the payout - support, synergy (1+1>2), sex and soothing.

Thoughts On Gay Marriage, Gay Divorce, Straight Marriage, Straight Divorce

2011-06-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

Gay Marriage, gay divorce. Straight marriage, straight divorce. Here are my random thoughts.

1. CNN is a-buzz today about gay marriage in NY. But, all I can think of is the mess that the NY courts are in and the dysfunctional way they look at divorce. Now, they will have both gay and straight couples trapped in their divorce web.

2. Sadly, because the right to marry was withheld for so long and felt so unattainable, now that marriage is a legal option, some gay people will run to the alter like starvation dieters ready for the binge. And, rushing marriage is usually a recipe for ending up in the quick sand of the divorce maze.

3. Gay or straight, if you are about to enter into marriage please consider creating a pre-nuptial agreement or Marriage Pact with your partner. The exercise of creating an agreement provides benefits beyond legal protection or divorce planning. A pre-nuptial agreement or Marriage Pact will clarify expectations and give you information about how you are going to handle issues in the future. Now should be the time you work best together so if you cannot sit down and create an agreement it is a BIG red flag.

4. I recently saw an on-line discussion about the reasons people get divorced. The question asked was "What's the KEY reason for divorce?" The questioner then proposed "communication problems, infidelity, falling out of love/no more chemistry, drifting apart, stuck and not sure what else to do, incompatibility, resignation or gave up, sexual issues, and none of the above." While I often point to mismatch, unmet expectations, addiction, and lack of team-playing as the cause of a divorce I believe that the underlying reason marriages end is that they are not safe havens. Couples who criticize instead of soothe one another are on a divorce track. Couples who know how to support one another have kid, money, sex, in-law, and chore problems also. But, they know how to work through them.

5. "Fault" laws dont cut down on divorce. But, they do make divorces much uglier. On the other hand, I do like waiting periods for both divorce and for marriage. However, as I see it the only way to cut down on divorces is to make it harder to get married. If couples had to go through something like the Amazing Race TV show a lot of people would think twice before becoming legally bound.

6. John Gottman - the guru of marriage survival - says "there are four major emotional reactions that are destructive to a marriage: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt...." see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman. These are the behaviors that eat away at the connection/the bond.

7. My friend Penny says marriages end because people change and expectations change. I would add purpose to this equation - especially in long-term marriages. A couple comes together with a purpose in mind. They accomplish that purpose (or not) and then they must find a new purpose or their marriage becomes stale.

8. Legalizing gay marriage is going to create a lot more work for divorce professionals. There is no one-size-fits-all process for couples transitioning through divorce. If you are a divorce service professional, a lawyer, or a mediator and you want to expand or launch your practice into the ProSe/PreSuit (self-represented parties) market take a look at our training program - Friendly Divorce Training

Building My Practice

2011-06-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Elinor,

As you know I am a PhD level therapist currently working for a non-profit. I'm Certified in Play Therapy. I want to leave the agency and start a private practice. I have several options for office space. I'd like to do some mediation and parent coordination also but I don't feel comfortable doing that alone. I'd much prefer to co-mediate or co-parenting coordinate. Is that possible? What do u suggest?

Tara
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tara,

First and foremost focus on building the therapy practice. Get a niche and make yourself an expert in that niche. A hot issue - for years to come - will be families with autistic children. If you want to expand into PC, talk to Allyson Tomchin. She is a coach and a parenting co-ordinator. See if she will coach you in building a PC practice. Focus on the mediation practice last as it will be the most difficult to build. Sadly, lawyers will probably not choose you as a mediator. But, unrepresented parties will. If you want to build a mediation practice focused on unrepresented couples take my Friendly Divorce Training

When it comes to private practice the bottom line is marketing. Are you willing to go out there and sell? If not, keep your job. If you are, then do research and start building before you go. You may not be able to get on insurance panels and even if you can you will soon find that the managed care system is abusive to the therapist and the client.

Here are some questions to consider:

1. What are your greatest gifts (or greatest strengths)? What do you see as your greatest challenges in building and maintaining your private practice? How are the answers to these two questions related?
2. Beyond Therapy. Imagine that the words therapy, therapist, psychologist, psychology, counselor, and social worker do not exist. So when you are asked “what do you do?” what do you answer?
3. It’s your lucky day. I can lend you my magic wand. The wand will allow you to magically create a steady stream of perfect clients. With the wave of the wand, people in your target demographic audience will be incredibly receptive to your ideas and offers of help. But, there is a catch. You must be able to describe your perfect client with at least seven very specific characteristics. Only then will members of that group be located and brought to you. So give me seven real specifics of the people in your target demographic group. Be specific so that they stand out; otherwise you get burnt out talking to the wrong people.
4. Problem ID. Now that you know who is in your target market. Identify the top 10 problems people in your target market face daily or regularly.

Elinor

Alimoney Question

2011-06-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

I started going through old emails to find questions that would be appropriate to answer on this blog. Here's one:

Dear Elinor,

My wife and I have divided our assets, we have a plan for sharing time with our children, and know what we want to do about money after out divorce. But we have not put anything in writing. Our 10th anniversary is coming up in a few months. I have heard that after 10 years I will have to pay more. Is this true?

Richard (name changed)
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Richard,

Answering this question - for you individually would be giving legal advice - which I don't do. But, I can tell you that the Florida Statutes (http://www.flsenate.gov/Laws/Statutes/2010/Chapter61/All - scroll down to 61.08 to read about alimony specifically) call a marriage under 7 years a short term marriage, a marriage between 7 and 17 years a marriage of moderate duration, and a marriage over 17 years a long term marriage. I am not sure where you got the 10 year number from. The length of the marriage is one of the factors that a judge could consider when determining alimony. However, in mediation a couple can agree to just about anything regarding alimony. Where I try to focus couples is on need and ability to pay. So we start off by looking at income and expenses. In addition to the amount, I also want couples to discuss and agree on the duration of the alimony, under what circumstances it would terminate, and if it will be modifiable or not.

Best, Elinor

Association of Norh Central Florida Mediators

2011-06-14T03:29:00.000-07:00

My friends Linda Chapman, Martha Johnston, and I are contemplating starting a monthly luncheon group - loosely modeled after the Association of South Florida Mediators and Arbitrators - for local mediators in and around Gainesville. We'd call it the Association of North Central Florida Mediators (or something like that). Our kick-off meeting is scheduled for Tuesday July 12 at noon at the Northwest Grille in Gainesville. Can you make it?

How I got here. Where I'm going. And more stories.

2011-06-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

Twenty-two years ago, in 1989, I received a gift that changed my life. I was allowed to participate in a mediation training program that was offered by Leslie Ratliff, who was then the Director of Palm Beach County's Court Mediation Program. (Thank you Leslie.) At the time, I was in my mid 30s, a single parent who had recently returned to college to get a degree and figure out what my next (career) step should be. Except for me, all of the trainees were already doing some mediation as volunteers in the Palm Beach County small claims court program. All of the other 29 trainees were at least twenty years older then I was. Twenty eight of them were men - old white guys I like to call them - retired lawyers and businessmen - who needed something to do besides play golf. One was a woman - I'll call her Elaine. (She asked that I not include her real name here.)

Elaine has children who are about as old as I am and so we've always been at different phases of life. But, we live in the same city, share a strong commitment to the process and practice of mediation, and our paths have crossed many times. Clearly, we are members of each others professional circles. Elaine is old enough to be my mother but you would never know that by looking at her. And, I am not just talking about her physical features. She is the epitome of well-grooming; possessing the energy and style of a much younger woman.

Recently I sent out one of my "quarterly" newsletters. In the Random Thoughts section I wrote:

The reality of aging. Sadly, a Betty White old age may not be an option for most of us. What can we do now to better prepare for the future?

Here is what Elaine wrote me in response:

In a message dated 6/10/2011 3:41:39 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, NotReallyElaine@gmail.com writes:

Dear Elinor

Up until now I have not had any reason to respond to your informative Emails, but you hit me right where I should be, AGING. Believe it or not I am joining the Octogenarian membership and as you know, as active as I have been, I am truly in the Betty White category.

For your members and info, nothing gets you there except you. Doing what you can to help become you is totally up to the YOU.

For the past 20 plus years, I never cared how old I was or going to be. I just did what was necessary to be a successful part of society and added to my life work, in my case mediation, new and more educational programs. When one finds reasons to do whatever it takes to help others, truly their life has much more meaning. I feel I am rambling on but that comes with age and aging.

Until now, whenever someone questioned my age, I never let it out, I hear OH you look wonderful etc. But my purpose in writing this is to tell you, my friend how good I feel about what I have done and continue doing not how I look. Life has much to offer those who take advantage of it and I am there.

Keep in touch as I know you will.

Luv Elaine

Here is my response to her:

Yes, you are in the Betty White category. Well, you look better than she does. But, you have her energy and spirit. For the rest of us, a Betty White future is probably not in the cards. Look around at your friends. How many other women in your age range look/act like you? None. While your girlfriends were otherwise preoccupied (shopping?) you were the only woman in the old white guys mediator fraternity. So in more ways then one you are the exception to the rule.

Should we (the generation after yours) make believe we will all be 80 and running around like you? I dont know if this denial is a good thing. Would it be better, instead, to stop making believe, start planning, and face the fact that we will be decrepit for an extended period? Well, until I figure this out I am going to do what you said, shut-up and keep working.

Happy Trails, Love, Elinor

Intro Redux

2011-06-10T03:55:00.000-07:00

I am a mediator and mediation trainer based in Florida. As part of Mediation Training Group I teach Florida Supreme Court Certified Civil and Family mediation training programs and Continuing Mediator Education. My own mediation practice is focused on ProSe/PreSuit divorce. (Cases where the divorcing couple goes through the process without retaining attorneys. They may consult with attorneys but they do not hire attorneys.) I am now teaching other mediators our unique marketing and practice methods. Upcoming training programs are scheduled for Florida, Las Vegas, and Atlanta. If you want to launch or expand your own divorce mediation practice within this emerging market niche take a look at www.FriendlyDivorceTraining.com.

Email Communique

2011-06-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

Greetings!

Sometimes it seems to me that the world is changing so fast it's impossible to keep up with the pace. Ten years ago there was no social media. Today, technology allows each of us to create a global network. But, for those of us who are immigrants in the digital world, it's often a stretch to stay current. The following was my most recent attempt at staying connected with the 5000 people - most of them former mediation students - that are on my email list.

The Evolution of Divorce

I believe the family law arena is ripe for a revolution. Ten years from now lawyer-driven divorces will be the exception not the rule. Financial shifts and technological advances have sped up the evolutionary process. There is a need for professionals who are able to usher couples through the divorce process using a more humane approach. So, in addition to my work with Susan and Mediation Training Group, I have put together a new training program for professionals who want to launch their practices into the ProSe/PreSuit market and serve couples who want to divorce without retaining attorneys.

Friendly Divorce Mediation Training

If you (or someone you know) is ready to take your career in a different direction and interested in offering a unique service to families in transition then visit Friendly Divorce Training We are offering 16-hour training programs in

Boca Raton on July 8-10, 2011
Las Vegas on Sept 2-4, 2011 and,
Atlanta on Dec 2-4, 2011

This is a rare opportunity for professionals who want to launch ProSe/PreSuit divorce mediation practices. David and I will share everything we have learned about this emerging market and give you the foundation you need to build your own business. The program is approved for 15.50 hours of CLER by the Florida Bar and will also provide 16 hours of CME for Mediators.

Random Thoughts

I am interested in any feedback you have on this blog. And, I am especially curious about your thoughts on these three topics:

The reality of aging. Sadly, a Betty White old age may not be an option for most of us. What can we do now to better prepare for the future?

The state of the union. During one of my recent rants, a friend of mine - a historian - commented that "the more things change, the more they stay the same - after all, the early settlers were a mix of gluttonous pillagers and exploited religious extremists." What can each of us do today to be part of the force that moves the country in a better direction?

The immigration debate. No matter what your opinion on the immigration debate I think we can all agree that we need some form of immigration reform. I believe that the mediation process just might be a key component to finding a plan that works for all of us. What do you think?

Reigniting

2011-06-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

Holy Moley. Its exactly one year - to the day, since I last blogged on this site. Life is hectic and moves fast. I know that a lot has changed since last year but I cannot list those changes off the top of my head - they just whirl by. Today David told me he's noticed that I spend a lot of time responding to emails. He is correct. And, with time moving so fast and so much to do it seems a waste to spend that kind of time without reaching the largest audience. So this blog is being reignited and will be used for recording writings that would otherwise be lost.

Here goes. This is a conversation I had today with a local lawyer about the differences between Collaborative Law and our Friendly Divorce process.

Elinor:

You know that there are attorneys who believe in the concept of Friendly Divorce (especially myself). I am not sure that marketing your Friendly Divorce program with the spin of "using lawyers for divorces will be the exception, not the norm" is the best or proper approach. Having gone through a very difficult and expensive divorce (for a divorce that really should have been quite simple), I have some of my own ideas of how to improve the divorce process and system that I am implementing in my own practice. Also, if you are offering attorney CLE credit to a program that is designed to eliminate the lawyer, I think you have a major inconsistency. Let me know if you would like to discuss further.

Regards,

Paul (name changed)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Elinorobin@aol.com [mailto:Elinorobin@aol.com]
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2011 2:58 PM
To: Paul
Subject: Re: Divorce Revolution

I hear you. And, you make a very interesting point. As I see it there is a difference between a lawyer-driven divorce and using lawyers as consultants. My quote is "Ten years from now lawyer-driven divorces will be the exception not the rule." Clearly, there is no one size fits all process for divorcing couples. Right now a lot of people dont have the resources or desire to pay divorce attorneys and doing it themselves is not an option. My method offers another choice. As you know, the legal services world is changing - very quickly - so those who figure out how to meet the public's changing demands will survive and thrive. Others (as we have already seen) will fall by the way side.

I am so passionate about this that I always want to discuss further.

Best, Elinor

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a message dated 6/9/2011 3:14:07 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, Paul writes:

Are you familiar with Collaborative Divorce?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Elinorobin@aol.com [mailto:Elinorobin@aol.com]
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2011 3:17 PM
To: Paul
Subject: Re: Divorce Revolution

Yes. Great idea but its a difficult sell and can be very expensive. Maybe not as expensive as hiring two pit bulls but still costly. There is no one size fits all. The more options you can offer the bigger the net you cast.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a message dated 6/9/2011 4:05:43 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, Paul writes:

Define costly.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would say $6000. A lot of people dont have $6000 or dont want to spend the $6000 they have. These are unusual times. We are seeing people living in million dollar houses with negative net worths. Some still have decent incomes but they have committed every cent they make. And, $6000 is a totally bare bones divorce with two lawyers involved. In addition, they are also looking at divorce coaches - which are a key part of the process for Collaborative purists plus a financial expert. I think its difficult to have a Collaborative divorce for under $10K. Do you think that is far off the mark?

If someone doesnt know how much there is or where it is they need a lawyer to check things out. No doubt about it. But, if one believes that s/he is knowledgeable about the finances, even if they dont want to pay a lawyer to "discover," the lawyer still needs some level of investigation to protect him/herself if the lawyer is retained. (That is why I like the idea of using lawyers as consultants).

But, money aside, the bottom line is there is a whole generation of people who lived through their parents' divorces and saw the legal system divide and destroy their families. Many of these people are afraid of using lawyers for family problems. They are demanding another process. Some will embrace the collaborative model, others will not.

BTW, a friend of mine (a lawyer) on the West coast (FL) spent $80K on his no-children Collaborative divorce. The Collaborative process gives the un-monied, divorce resistant spouse a huge advantage. My friend was the monied spouse who wanted out. His wife was able to drag things out until he couldn't take it anymore and caved - on everything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Changes To FL Almony & Child Support Statutes

2010-06-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

Significant upcoming changes to the Florida statutes regarding alimony and child support.
http://www.myfloridahouse.gov/Sections/Documents/loaddoc.aspx?FileName=_h0907er.docx&DocumentType=Bill&BillNumber=0907&Session=2010

Family Estrangement

2010-06-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

As a family mediator the topic of family estrangement has been an area of special interest for me for many years. If you are facing a family estrangement here are the five things you should know:

1. When the estrangement is between a parent and an adult child, unless the child sees it otherwise, the parent must take responsibility and be willing to apologize for perceived or real hurts.

2. When a family member chooses estrangement they are giving a loud message that something is not right. This is their way of communicating that they feel dismissed, discounted, or disrespected. If you don't know why a family member has cut off contact it is likely related to something done or said which triggered a feeling of dismissed, discounted, or disrespected.

3. A cooling-off period is often critical before any dialogue can begin. Be patient, and keep the lines of communication open. Even if the person on the other side wont talk you can still keep the channels open by sending periodic messages of support. Keep the message simple - "I will always love you and I will be there whenever you are ready." Avoid reacting negatively if the person on the other side needs more time.

4. Apologies have magical and cleansing properties. Think the apology through before you start or you may end up in the wrong place. http://elinorrobin.com/apologies-magical-cleansing-healing-and-the-time-is-now/

5. Follow my 10-step plan for ending feuds and rebuilding connections. http://ezinearticles.com/?The-10-Step-Plan-For-Ending-Feuds-and-Fights-and-Re-Building-Connection&id=3468153.

With Time - Often - The Worst Thing That Happens Is Also The Best

2010-06-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

The worst thing about divorce is it forces us to look at ourselves and our lives. Then we have to make some decisions and choose a path into the unknown - this can be very scary. The best thing about divorce is it forces us to look at ourselves and our lives. Then we have to make some decisions and choose a path into the unknown - which can be a magnificent opportunity for a redo and chance to get things right. Divorce may be the most difficult life transition of an adult life - it affects us physically, psychologically, socially, financially, logistically, and legally. The key is not getting stuck in "the divorce" but moving through it to life on the other side.

Affairs

2010-06-02T19:15:00.001-07:00

This post is a work in progress. Stay tuned.

Affairs almost always serve a purpose. An affair can be a wake-up call, a death knell, a cry for help, a way-out, an affirmation, a pain-reliever, a temporary escape from reality, a plan for avoiding divorce, or a way to get one's needs met. (And, I mean emotional, not physical, needs - because affairs are not really about the sex.) Affairs do not happen in healthy marriages, they happen in sick marriages - especially when one or both partners do not want to face the sickness or the dysfunction of their marriage. (Facing the sickness involves both acknowledging it and working to heal it.)

Each affair is different. But, there are some patterns or themes common to most affairs. These similarities have enabled researchers to identify xx types of affairs, with different motivators.

"The Grass Is Greener" (also known as "The Facebook Affair"). This affair happens when someone in a lack luster marriage finds an old (or new) flame, gets excited, has illusions of a lost soul mate, and wants to try it out. The couple meets, has a magnificent weekend, complete with high excitement sex, and decides to take things to the next level. Eventually the high wears off and so a significant percentage of these affairs do not work out. Often the straying spouse comes back and asks for a re-do. A couple can then turn this affair around and work on their marriage; go back to the status quo, with increased trust issues; or walk away – sometimes the dumped spouse becomes the dumper who says "I wont take you back." This affair does give people the chance to see what their lives would look like without their marriage and helps them decide which way they want to go.

The Married Man. The married man affair is complex triangle that revolves around a married man who has done the "right" thing, put others first, and secretly feels that he has sacrificed his own happiness. So, he finds a single woman who thinks he is wonderful (frequently, she is a woman who has never been married) and together they engage in a serious, long-term, and passionate affair. The mistress learns the intimate details of his marriage and waits semi-patiently for her turn. But, typically, these men do not leave as leaving would not be "right" AND the affair gives the married man the best of both worlds. These affairs end when/if the mistress becomes resentful.

Pre-nup Question

2010-05-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

Recently, I saw this question posted in a marriage info chat room.

I am a 45 year old professional man who recently became engaged to a lovely 35 year old woman. This is a second marriage for both of us. I mentioned that I believed a pre-nuptual agreement would be a good idea. (Our individual assets are about equal.) She went nuts and accused me of not trusting her. She says this lack of trust is setting us up for a self fulfilling prophecy that the relationship will eventually end in divorce. Isn't a pre-nup in both of our best interests? What am I missing? Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

Creating a pre-nup is an exercise in exploration. If a couple is unable to create a pre-nup and deal with all of the un-pleasantries that the process presents I dont know how they will be able to deal with the un-pleasantries that life inevitably presents.

A well thought out pre-nup should address much more then how the marriage will end. A pre-nup should address how the marriage will operate. And, that is the discussion that should come first. Creating a thorough pre-nup that addresses how the marriage will operate will make divorce much LESS likely. (The creation process will help you fend off unmet expectations - one of the key marriage destroyers.) Yes, every good plan has an exit strategy. And, a pre-nup should have an exit strategy but that's just a part of it. Finally, creating a pre-nup should be a joint effort. The WORST thing you can do is go to a lawyer, have him/her prepare a pre-nup and then present it to your beloved. That is a sure fire way to create mis-trust. In my upcoming book - The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right - I present guidelines for preparing a Marriage Pact. Talk to your fiancee about preparing a Marriage Pact - an idea that should be a lot easier for her to grasp.

Your reactions to this hot button issue should be giving you both a lot of information as to what your marriage is going to feel like. And, how you work through this issue will give me a lot of information as to what your marriage will look like.

Happy trails, Elinor

Random Thoughts

2010-04-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

My website - www.ElinorRobin.com - was redone (and went live New Years Eve 2009/2010) onto a blog platform so this blog has become somewhat obsolete. However, I am not ready to cash in just yet - I want to keep this blog alive a bit longer even though I am not sure what I want to write about. While I think about it, here is an "anthology" of my twitter posts.

Imagine if The Beatles had a mediator to help work out the Yoko issues.Every rock band needs a mediator b/c too many fall apart w/internal conflict. April 24th, 2010

Just saw a video clip on pre-prenups.I would call them dating contracts.What a great idea.You can learn A LOT bout someone while negotiating. Apr 8th, 2010

Want to motivate your staff and increase employee loyalty? http://www.entrepreneur.com/ask/answer18860.html. Apr 4th, 2010

Divorce doesnt destroy children.Its the parents reactions-ongoing conflict,emotional unavailablity & boy/girl crazyness-that r the culprits. Apr 3rd, 2010

@MikeMaynes Me too. Does this prove the stupidity of human nature? Apr 1st, 2010

Sucked into Survivor tonite.Teaching Continuing Mediator Ed tomorrow.Thinking about the lesson reality TV villians have 4 mediators & others. Apr 1st, 2010

"Saying no can be the ultimate self-care" - Claudia Black. Mar 24th, 2010

We just finished an update of our A Friendly Divorce website. I'm interested in your feedback. www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. Mar 28th, 2010

Divorcd parents: Avoid using children 2 fill need 4 companonship.Instead go 2 friend,family,church,supprtGrp,divorceCoach,PWP,Co-da,or therapist. Mar 25th, 2010

Just saw Michael Moore's 'Capitalism'? Is America on the verge of uprising against the 1% w/$ or has our fire/spirit been extinguished? Mar 22nd, 2010

A family going thru divorce needs strong/caring parents more then ever. If you are too drained to be that parent find a temporary substitute. Mar 22nd, 2010

Every child needs at least 1 loving parent.If your child has an additional parent or step-parent, rejoice! No child can have too much love. Mar 12th, 2010

Just viewed Hurt Locker.Not a feel good movie.Adrenaline rush from a close-up lens.Left me on edge.I would have voted for Avatar to win. Mar 12th, 2010

When professionals see divorce as only a legal problem they fail to promote physical, psychological, social, financial, & logistical healing. Mar 5th, 2010

Divorce: a family/personal problem w/legal side effects.Healing requires physical,psychological,social,financial,logistical,&legal reorganization. Mar 5th, 2010

Did U see Sean Penn on Larry King? Very scary. Penn warns of a public health disaster spreading to US if we dont get Haiti fixed fast. Feb 16th, 2010

At A Friendly Divorce we provide divorce mediation & document prep in Boca Raton, FL.Visit us at www.AFriendlyDivorce.com to learn more. Feb 8th, 2010

All I want is a straight answer. Is there an issue with the 2008 Toyota Prius? Feb 4th, 2010

@rolandsmartin From front page story in The Idaho Statesman-Woman missionary in Haiti is also embroiled in several lawsuits against her & has a negative history. Feb 4th, 2010

Give away junk and find what U need - for free - at www.freecycle.org. Groups are local. Feb 3rd, 2010

Haiti-missionary kidnapping.There is a long, sad history - stretching from Utah to Australia - of kidnapping native children "to save them." Feb 1st, 2010

Bet John/Eliz Edwards will go w/a quiet divorce - http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1957292,00.html - not a media circus. Jan 28th, 2010

Awareness is the 1st step towards ending child slavery in Haiti. http://preview.tinyurl.com/yctl67a Jan 24th, 2010

End child slavery in Haiti. http://untoldstories.pulitzercenter.org/2010/01/pulitzer-grantee-carmen-russell-on-haiti.html. Jan 23rd, 2010

Time to wrap up and go to sleep.Is it bad Twitter form to make multiple posts within seconds of each other? How often is it OK to post? Jan 20th, 2010

What is preventive mediation? http://elinorrobin.com/category/conflict/ Jan 18th, 2010

Kudos to the Pembroke Pines-FL (& other) Firefighters for their work in Haiti.Amazing.These guys are real heros. http://tinyurl.com/ya6p7ef Jan 17th, 2010

NY-the only state w/antique, harmful+political divorce law. time to evolve. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/17/opinion/17sun3.html?th&emc=th Jan 17th, 2010

#kevintacher.We just heard from Frank McKinney in Haiti and they need water bad. We need it delivered to the Wyndham Hotel Boca Raton before 4PM today. Jan 16th, 2010 Retweeted

Conan & what 2 do if U feel dismissed & disrespected @ work?How NOT to quit your job.See my quote in NY Daily News.http://tinyurl.com/y9po25k Jan 14th, 2010

Greg Norman&Chris Evert secretly divorce. http://bit.ly/7NQfIn. My prediction is big divorces will continue to fall out of fashion. Jan 11th, 2010

# pbpost. Greg Norman, Chris Evert secretly divorced in Key West http://bit.ly/7NQfIn Jan 11th, 2010 Retweeted

2010: Trends, Predictions & Vision For Mental Health & Mental Health Practitioners.LCSW.LMHC.LMFT.Psychologists. http://tinyurl.com/ycftccl Jan 9th, 2010

My opinion: there is an inherent conflict between a divorce atty and his client.The lawyers interest is often not the clients best interest. Jan 6th, 2010

#askdatingcoach. Just as there are people who eat too much or eat too little, there are starving daters and daters who overindulge. Which are you? Jan 6th, 2010 Retweeted

Entrepreneur's & my biz trends & predictions for 2010. http://www.entrepreneur.com/growyourbusiness/businessstrategies/article204474.html. Jan 4th, 2010

2 free days. Hmm... I could make some major progress on writing the Launch Your ProSe-PreSuit Mediation Practice manual.Think I will. Jan 2nd, 2010

#MikeMaynes. New Year's resolutions? There's an app for that http://usat.me?37152608 Jan 1st, 2010 Retweeted

Its Complicated-I laughed & cried.Laughter erupted & the theater-even David-LOL.Especially poignant as I spend my life in the realm of divorce Jan 1st, 2010

Need a relationship intervention? My new website is live. Info on conflict, divorce, marriage, entrepreneurship, work, & more. www.elinorrobin.com Dec 30th, 2009

Saw Michael Moore's Sicko-Netflix.Message is society's drive to satisfy ME dismisses the WE.This is Y we R in this mess.Avatar has the same message. Dec 28th, 2009

We just saw Avitar in 3D at the IMAX. Amazing. This is a must see. The message, the graphics, the animation, the story. All magnificent. Dec 26th, 2009

Have you seen a movie called The Girlfriend Experience? We just saw it on Netflix-Watch Instantly.Very powerful. Dec 20th, 2009

Fighting through divorce? Heres why we do it. http://elinorrobin.blogspot.com/2009/12/fighting-through-divorce.html Dec 14th, 2009

Y did Tiger cheat?#10-Greatest strength=greatest weakness.Ability 2 focus made him the best golfer w/ marriage beyond his peripheral vision Dec 13th, 2009

Why did Tiger cheat? #9.Others get away with it. Kobe, Letterman, Hugh Grant, Woody Allen, Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy. Sex scandals come in degrees. Dec 13th, 2009

Y did Tiger cheat? #8.He didnt think we'd care.After all hes not a minister politician or other proponent of high morals.Hes just an athlete Dec 13th, 2009

Y did Tiger cheat? #7-Universal Law: no one gets a free ride.High highs bring low lows.Nows his time to feel the pain of humiliation. Dec 13th, 2009

Y did Tiger cheat?#6-Culturally we provide no marriage prepration.When hormones rush no one wants it.Society should impose marital education Dec 13th, 2009

Y did Tiger cheat?#5-Marital challenges-cultural differnces;lack of variety;focus off Tiger-on kids;focus off "we"-on kids,travel stress Dec 13th, 2009

Y did Tiger cheat? #4.Forget the word cheat.After 20 yrs of mediating divorces I know infidelity is just an attempt to satisfy unmet needs. Dec 13th, 2009

Y did Tiger cheat? #3-The evolutionary explanation: Man's biological need to spread his seed and thus ensure survival. Dec 13th, 2009

Y did Tiger cheat?#2-Sexual addiction.Like many child stars this child athlete was objectified-became a commodity-now his partners r objects 9:14 AM Dec 13th, 2009 via web

Y did Tiger cheat? #1-The Shadow-CarlJung's term 4 the repressed+denied aspects of self.The opposite of what we identify w/is unconscious. Dec 13th, 2009

What if parents were held respnsible 4 the actions of their childrn?At birth U would sign to b responsible for yr childs crimes until age 18 6:54 AM Dec 12th, 2009 via web

@jjpuha The name of the movie/documentary was "Yoo Hoo Mrs Goldberg." The story of TV pioneer Gertrude Berg, a woman ahead of her time. 6:29 PM Dec 1st, 2009 via web in reply to Joni_James

Kids & Divorce.What to consider when deciding your family's time-sharing and parenting plan. http://tinyurl.com/ydt5b9o 6:20 PM Dec 1st, 2009 via web

The mother-daughter bond brings conflict and comfort. http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Mother-Daughter-Bond---Conflict-and-Comfort&id=3314207 7:04 PM Nov 30th, 2009 via web

@amysue1069 Mazel Tov!! Enjoy. What a weekend! 1:12 PM Nov 29th, 2009 via web in reply to amysue1069

A Crash Course In Negotiation http://ezinearticles.com/?A-Crash-Course-in-Negotiation&id=3310595 1:09 PM Nov 29th, 2009 via web

Read b4 U go into biz w/ friends/family. http://www.physicianspractice.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=articles.details&articleID=1427 11:58 AM Nov 23rd, 2009 via web

Faced with a decision? Ask yourself "how do each of the options move me closer to my long term (or short term) goals/life objectives." 9:40 AM Nov 10th, 2009 via web

@BlendedFamily4U We will provide a 1/2 hour of FREE phone mediation to any family wanting to resolve holiday issues.www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 7:11 PM Nov 8th, 2009 via web in reply to MarriageNFamily

@MikeMaynes Welcome Home.We missed you. 7:06 PM Nov 8th, 2009 via web in reply to MikeMaynes

@dallasdivorce We will provide a 1/2 hour of FREE phone mediation to any family wanting to resolve holiday issues. www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 7:03 PM Nov 8th, 2009 via web in reply to dallasdivorce

For the process/profession of mediation to enter the mainstream we need lobbyists and PR promoters.What other profession has neither? 6:50 PM Nov 8th, 2009 via web

Inform your children's teachers of an impending divorce.And, find out if the school has any resources or groups for children of divorce. 10:30 AM Nov 1st, 2009 via web

Avoid corporate secrets coming out in divorce court.Encourage partners and co-workers to mediate PRE-Filing. www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 10:27 AM Nov 1st, 2009

Need to have a difficult conversation?This will help. http://bit.ly/176F8a 9:17 PM Oct 20th, 2009 via web

Played hooky.Went to the movies.YooHoo MrsGoldberg.Loved this documentary bout an amazing overweight woman who works too much.Just like me. 10:56 PM Oct 19th, 2009 via web

ElinorRobinPhD Watching @DonLemoncnn on CNN talk about social media. Is YouTube social media also? http://bit.ly/j8nxI 7:14 PM Oct 17th, 2009 via web

Divorced parents-Tip #4.Establish a business relationship with your Ex.The biz is co-parenting.Act business like-focused, on-time & polite, 12:37 PM Oct 17th, 2009 via web

Do you watch Shark Tank?Was there always a rule that the deal include the sharks giving the requested amt or is that new?I love that show. 8:51 PM Oct 14th, 2009 via web

50 Tips For Divorced Parents. Tip #3-Be patient, emotional wounds need time to heal. See all 50 tips at www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. 2:17 PM Oct 11th, 2009 via web

@MikeMaynes How do you prove income?Three years of tax returns? 8:56 AM Oct 11th, 2009 via web in reply to MikeMaynes

@MikeMaynes What do U say bout long term care/disability insurance?Have a client that is broke & unable 2 work.How can we protect ourselves? 10:36 PM Oct 10th, 2009 via web in reply to MikeMaynes

50 Tips for Divorced Parents.#2-U 2 will b someone's GrandMa & Pa & when she is grown she'll tell stories bout U.How do U want 2 b depicted? 10:28 PM Oct 10th, 2009 via web

50 tips for divorcing parents www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. Tip 1-Call a truce with your Ex. Note:Your Ex doesn't have to take the same action 3:39 PM Oct 9th, 2009 via web

Same sex marriage is legal in Iowa, MA, CT, NH (as of 1/1/10), Maine, & VT.Ive spent 20 yrs studying marriage & divorce.This is fascinating. 7:48 PM Oct 8th, 2009 via web

Am also tweeting @AFriendlyDivorc.Hope 2 C U there.Cant seem 2 separate the personal from professional.Its a dilemma.Is there a distinction? 10:58 PM Oct 3rd, 2009 via web

Buzz that Eliz Edwards will divorce John.Pls consider pre-suit mediation & keeping dirty laundry out of tabloids. www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 3:29 PM Oct 2nd, 2009 via web

@misspolyamory Hmm... Vegan, raw, maybe this would work for me.I am at a crossroads.If I continue to eat my way I will be dead.Some choice. 8:12 PM Sep 23rd, 2009 via web

Home again.There is no place like home.Teaching mediation tommorrow in FtLaud.The world needs more mediators. www.mediationtraininggroup.com 8:09 PM Sep 23rd, 2009 via web

@amazingRN @MikeMaynes OMG.You 2 R really here! It feels like I just put this stuff out into cyber space.But this time u met me in the abyss 10:34 PM Sep 22nd, 2009 via web in reply to amazingRN

Some people think money and/or stuff are important.From my perspective,time is the only commodity that matters.So much to do,so little time. 10:16 PM Sep 22nd, 2009 via web

Off again tomorrow for the EEOC.This time Sarasota & Tampa.I'm traveled out.My idea of vacation is staying home.Whats your dream vacation? 12:30 AM Sep 21st, 2009 via web

@amazingRN Great.But, she could be going on the world shopping tour for what this divorce is costing her.Does she realize that? 5:29 PM Sep 19th, 2009 via web in reply to amazingRN

Teaching today.A student says she only uses social media for personal/family.How do U -or do U- separate the personal from the professional? 1:02 PM Sep 18th, 2009 via web

Wishing U a healthy, joyful & prosperous Jewish New Year.May U have a good inscription in the book of life & may 5770 bring peace on earth. 12:54 PM Sep 18th, 2009 via web

I'm a proud board member.Crossroads at PBCC. http://bit.ly/2Zsh97 1:34 PM Sep 17th, 2009 via web

http://www.peppertreewines.com.au/ Our 1994 Merlot-purchased in Australia in 1996.Opened & drank it yesterday.Amazing! Best wine ever. 11:56 AM Sep 7th, 2009 via web

Chekevdia boy found in parental abduction. http://tinyurl.com/nbrgyp. Could this have been avoided? Maybe, w/ the right guidance & advice. 11:03 PM Sep 5th, 2009 via web

So much going on.At work many of my clients are in crisis.At home my remodeling project is overwhelming.One day at a time is all I can do. 9:00 PM Aug 22nd, 2009 via web

RT @TIME Does cancer screening save lives?Not as many as you'd think | http://su.pr/1lEJVE Basically mamo&PSA r a waste, colon&pap r good 5:41 PM Aug 11th, 2009 via web

We want to replace the floors-probably w/porcelain tile.Any advice?What/who do we need to know thats not obvious? 5:26 PM Aug 11th, 2009 via web

Legal futurist Richard Susskind (The End of Lawyers? Oxford 2008) says the legal profession is on the brink of transformation.I agree.Do U? 9:57 PM Aug 5th, 2009 via web

@maddow You did a great job on Bill Maher. 12:18 AM Aug 3rd, 2009

# @pizzatweetup Sorry I missed the recent Ninos Tweetup.When is the next Boca or nearby Tweetup? 5:39 PM Aug 2nd, 2009 via web in reply to pizzatweetup

How do I find out when and where there are local tweet-ups? 9:35 AM Aug 2nd, 2009 via web

Saw Marlin-Cubs game last nite.1st time in my life 4 a professional sports event.Unbelievable?What common activity have U missed until now? 9:04 AM Aug 2nd, 2009 via web

I am a born again American. Its clear my country's soul is on the line. A harvest of the spirit has begun http://www.bornagainamerican.org/ 1:00 PM Jul 30th, 2009 via web

@wisewellwoman back at you and @nubarter and @pamlefcourt. Hope we get to meet this afternoon.We'll see what plan the Gods have in mind. 8:16 AM Jul 29th, 2009 via web in reply to wisewellwoman

Jon, Kate, and everyone else getting divorced.There is a better way.Only you can stop the insanity. http://elinorrobin.blogspot.com/ 1:05 PM Jul 26th, 2009 via web

Dr Gates & Sgt Crowley.(1)Racism is alive and well.(2)It takes two to tango.(3)Big egos equal big trouble. http://elinorrobin.blogspot.com 3:41 PM Jul 23rd, 2009 via web

On my soap box.A big change is a-comin.The way we divorce is evolving.Rational people dont go the lawyer route. www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 3:31 PM Jul 23rd, 2009

Single?Divorced?Summer Tips: http://bit.ly/TxAO0 12:24 PM Jul 22nd, 2009 via web

Thinking about learning EMDR.However, there r mixed reviews.Many therapists swear it works.But internet reports are lackluster.Thoughts? 7:08 AM Jul 20th, 2009 via web

@amazingRN The wedding was fantastic - a unique experience on various levels.Are you on Facebook?There are pics on Facebook. 8:41 PM Jul 15th, 2009 via web in reply to amazingRN

@amysue1069 I would buy one from you. 6:30 PM Jul 14th, 2009 via web in reply to amysue1069

Alls well.Home again.Back to work.Try this fun Twitter tool - Twitter Karma http://dossy.org/twitter/karma/ 6:29 PM Jul 14th, 2009 via web

Going 2 Vegas 4 Michelles B-day bash.Usual last minute prep.Hmm.. need help.What do I give a woman who already has all the stuff she wants? 12:36 AM Jul 10th, 2009 via web

Packing 4 NY-Seth&Lena's wedding-stressful, exciting.Ever been 2an orthodox wedding w/gender segregated dancing?Any tips on what 2do in NYC? 9:26 PM Jul 2nd, 2009 via web

In Gainesville looking for 2nd home.If you are knowledgeable about water treatment or septic tanks please tell me.We are over our heads. 11:01 PM Jun 28th, 2009 via web

@fsulawyer I am with you Harry. A Mediators Dream: Jon & Kate divorce, Gov Sanford divorce, and Michael Jackson probate case. 3:51 PM Jun 27th, 2009 via web in reply to fsulawyer

In Jax teaching divorce mediation & discussing dynamics of the Sanford marriage.Seems the Mrs became Momma to the bad little boy-a/k/a Gov 3:48 PM Jun 27th, 2009 via web

Pet peeve:Generic voice mail messages.How am I supposed to know I got the right person without identification?Whats your pet peeve? 11:16 PM Jun 21st, 2009 via web

@fsulawyer Harry-I cant find ur blog.The link goes 2 "Sorry-the blog ur looking 4 doesnt exist.However, harrythomashackneypa is available! 12:03 PM Jun 19th, 2009 via web in reply to fsulawyer

Time's Facebook & Divorce: Airing the Dirty Laundry. http://tinyurl.com/m9n6lh - I concur, social netwking is changing how & when we divorce 4:54 PM Jun 17th, 2009 via web

@talktolaura1 I vote no.The line between the personal and professional has blurred for most of us.We are what we do.What do U think? 9:28 AM Jun 16th, 2009 via web in reply to talktolaura1

@Palm_Beach_Post Piper, her name is Piper 9:20 AM Jun 16th, 2009 via web in reply to pbpost

RT@TIME Letterman v Palin is one of our top 10 TV feuds | http://su.pr/3F4Bw6. The public loves fights.And its time for a mediator TV show 9:57 PM Jun 15th, 2009

@SCATJ Hi and welcome to twitter. 3:16 PM Jun 15th, 2009 via web in reply to SCATJ

Summer can be a difficult time for singles, especially the newly divorced. If summer is getting to you - http://elinorrobin.blogspot.com/ 10:21 AM Jun 15th, 2009 via web

@wisewellwoman @NuBarter Are we on for Mastermind? I can do Tues but not Wed.Or I could do Thurs at 10 in Pompano.Let me know if u see this. 7:55 PM Jun 14th, 2009 via web in reply to wisewellwoman

How much did Lisa Ling's 2006 documtry-where she went undercover in NK and posed as a medical team membr-effect her sister's current case? 9:40 AM Jun 14th, 2009 via web

Very busy.Life is like a smorgasbord.So many options!Hard to choose which should get my time/energy.It all looks so good.How do U choose? 11:32 PM Jun 10th, 2009 via web

Rotten econmy makes pre-suit mediation the way to divorce.Want to launch ur Mediation practice?Free teleseminar tonite.Ask me 4 details 8:39 AM Jun 3rd, 2009 via web

Do U know the SAR rating of ur cell phone?Does it matter?Should U care?Seems everything-from cell to tuna-is no good.How can we stay safe? 1:14 AM Jun 3rd, 2009 via web

Just listed myself at http://localtweeps.com in ZIP/Postal District 33433. List yourself to find (and get found by) tweeps near you! 9:28 AM May 31st, 2009 via web

Very wise RT @diy_pam if you dont listen to subtle body cues, seems they get louder & bigger until you do. Yes, but, easier said than done. 6:54 PM May 30th, 2009

@fsulawyer Harry, thank you.You make me feel so smart.Enjoy the day tomorrow.I wont be there.You are going to make a great civil mediator. 6:51 PM May 30th, 2009 via web in reply to fsulawyer

Tabloids say Candy Spelling blames Aaron's death on feud w/Tori.Mediation can help sibling, parent-adult child, family feuds.Ask me 4 help. 5:21 PM May 29th, 2009 via web

RT@AltonTurleyYour body will never lie to you, but your mind will-start listening to those subtle sensations for guidance. (Subtle is key) 7:38 AM May 29th, 2009 via web

RT @PerryBelcher 3 Steps to Double What You Get Done Every Day http://is.gd/IsSH for those struggling w/too little time & too much thinking 6:32 PM May 28th, 2009 via web

Upcoming training sold out.FL mediators want the additnal certification to expand into foreclosure mediation.www.mediationtraininggroup.com 8:26 AM May 28th, 2009 via Twibes

@andersoncooper Picking at Sotomayor is getting old.Good thing no one is going over every word I have ever said/written.How would U hold up? 10:17 PM May 27th, 2009 via web in reply to andersoncooper

@SheriSalata My fav was Dr.Laura episodes.Groundbreaking TV.Talk about taboo.Now U need a show on divorce mediation www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 9:38 PM May 26th, 2009 via web in reply to SheriSalata

@todayshow Old Jon&Kate episodes reveal pre-divorce.Kate speaks w/contempt-the tell tale sign of marital failure. www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 9:24 PM May 26th, 2009 via web in reply to todayshow

Sotomayer is a role model but w/no husband/kids she re-raises the question "Can We Have It All" See What Nanette says at TinyURL.com/p9q3t8 12:29 PM May 26th, 2009 via web

Have you seen the Twitter Grader? Oy, the pressure. http://twitter.grader.com/ What will they think of next? 11:39 AM May 26th, 2009 via web

@FranklyFlorida this (the Mayor & the Mexican) is better than anything you could make up.Its a mad, mad, mad, mad world. 9:47 AM May 22nd, 2009 via web in reply to FranklyFlorida

@TIME Betty Ford surpassed her husband in accomplishments and had a greater impact upon our history and culture. 4:35 PM May 21st, 2009 via web in reply to TIME

Lost faith in our leaders, institutions, each other, yourself? Tips for moving thru this "crisis of trust." http://elinorrobin.blogspot.com 3:34 PM May 21st, 2009 via web

Treat ur husband like his mistress will treat him, like U will treat ur new boyfriend.And marriage will b good.Same applies to U Mr.Husband. 8:14 PM May 19th, 2009 via web

Saw StarTrek-2 thumbs up.Big Memorial wkend: 2 bridal showers & a park day in Orlando.All this during the VERY busy month of May.How bout U? 4:14 PM May 19th, 2009 via web

Speaking today at Second Satuday: What Women Need To Know About Divorce Seminar. http://www.secondsaturdaysf.blogspot.com/ 7:05 AM May 9th, 2009 via web

Just joined a twibe. Visit http://twibes.com/Mediation to join 9:40 PM May 8th, 2009 via web

Swine flu epidemic. Will we be in planes this summer or is air travel dead? Should I buy plane tix for the wedding or plan to drive? HELP 1:43 PM Apr 29th, 2009 via web

Grateful to be home.There's no place like home.U like to travel?I might be happy w/never leaving home again.What do U say-home or on-the-go? 12:46 AM Apr 22nd, 2009 via web

Teach mediation all weekend www.MediationTrainingGroup.com Monday embark for GA and Sari's graduation www.fletc.gov My baby is a Fed 10:18 PM Apr 17th, 2009 via web

Robyn Gibson-wife of Mel-files for divorce.Divorce has physical, psych, social, legal & financal aspects.Check out www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. 2:14 PM Apr 13th, 2009

Morning Rituals serve as a transition betwn sleep & rush of the day. Reading.Writing/journaling.Quiet.Connecting.What r ur morning rituals? 8:40 AM Apr 13th, 2009 via web

Obamas pick Portuguese Water Dog. My Roscoe is a PWD!! Now hes all excited his relative makes the big time. http://tinyurl.com/cjczlj 10:43 AM Apr 12th, 2009 via web

What is your conflict mangmnt style?Learn when to avoid & when to combat. http://tinyurl.com/dxcmqg this Tues at Womens Wellness Society. 9:23 PM Apr 10th, 2009 via web

Its easy to fall into a trance.Step away from your life & look.What do U see?Who/what is standing in your way?This is my pre-sleep question. 11:05 PM Apr 6th, 2009 via web

Ben Stein-CBS Sunday Morning-everyone should have a dog to help them through the recession.www.petfinder.com. Rescue, dont support pup mills 11:10 AM Apr 5th, 2009 via web

Time Mags 10 Ideas Changing The World.http://tinyurl.com/cq5w33. I have a cold, David off at Warriors.http://www.mkp.org/. Amy bringin soup 7:42 PM Apr 3rd, 2009 via web

Agent interested in The Brides Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right.But she says I need a catchy (or catchier) title.Help.Any ideas? 9:53 PM Mar 27th, 2009 via web

@StephanieRing Sure. What do you have in mind? 6:29 PM Mar 22nd, 2009 via web in reply to StephanieRing

Just added myself to the http://wefollow.com twitter directory under: #mediation #divorce #marriage 6:23 PM Mar 22nd, 2009 via web

What r ur top 3 goals for 2009? What will U need on 12/31 for the year to b a success? Busy day, will think about these questions in the car 7:49 AM Mar 18th, 2009 via web

Need help launching your Divorce/Family Mediation Practice?http://elinorrobin.blogspot.com/ Getting divorced in FL? www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 4:39 PM Mar 17th, 2009 via web

@bino817 The voice of Palm Bch tweets.http://tinyurl.com/dlhbmu. 2:51 AM Mar 14th, 2009 via web in reply to FranklyFlorida

@msnbc_celeb Atty-driven divorce-2 guys get 1/3 of ur $ to fight over the rest-makes no sense.Hulk should've found www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. 2:35 PM Mar 13th, 2009 via web in reply to msnbc_celeb

Procrastination.What are you avoiding? I will complete EEOC paperwork within 24 hours.What about you?What will you get off your to-do list? 11:44 PM Mar 11th, 2009

Hearing more 2012 talk - even from those that seem unlikely to subscribe to the idea.What do U think? http://www.december212012.com/ 2:51 PM Mar 8th, 2009 via web

2 successful mediations today.Do u work Sat/Sunday?Good to go the extra mile 4 clients & take off mid-week instead.www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 9:38 PM Mar 7th, 2009 via web

Jax was good.Stayed at Waldorf in NY-very disappointing.Glad to be home-my bed,dogs,toilet,routine.What are you looking forwrd to this week? 12:21 AM Feb 23rd, 2009 via web

In Jax.I usually hate hotels but this 1 is really nice.Ready to start another mediation training.Gotta stop and get the coffee/bagels first. 7:35 AM Feb 18th, 2009 via web

Preparing for my Jacksonville and NY journey.Laundry, paperwork, etc.Still thinking about Slum Dog Millionaire.Its a must see. 7:52 AM Feb 15th, 2009 via web

Writing my next column for www.womenentrepreneur.com and watching Lock Up on MSNBC.We have lots to be grateful for.Imagine life inside.Oy. 12:36 AM Feb 15th, 2009 via web

@misspolyamory Great site. Thank you. I will pass it along to my students. 12:28 PM Feb 12th, 2009 via web

The success of your marriage rides on your ability to choose the right mate. 6:55 AM Feb 11th, 2009 via web

Buying tix to go to NY for my son's engagement.Sari & I will have one day in NY w/no plans.What should we do?What would u do w/a day in NY? 11:24 PM Feb 10th, 2009

What do you want? You can achieve whatever is most important to you. 8:26 PM Feb 8th, 2009 via web

Shopping for a new car.Meanwhile, see my latest 2009:A Call For Vision http://tinyurl.com/dktjh2 11:06 AM Feb 8th, 2009 via web

@NuBarter She cant fill out lengthy EEOC application or do my EEOC invoices. 2:48 AM Feb 8th, 2009 via web in reply to NuBarter

# @MarieJoseeLMT The original article is here. http://tinyurl.com/dktjh2. Fox omitted my name! Will get it fixed. 2:47 AM Feb 8th, 2009 via web in reply to MarieJoseeLMT

So much paperwork.Is there a better way?Tomorrow I will not give in to time wasters.Instead, I will make progress on my to-do list.Ideas? 12:16 AM Feb 5th, 2009

@DanielClement I would like to discuss collaborative with you.I have another idea.www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. 4:58 PM Feb 3rd, 2009 via web in reply to DanielClement

PeakOil and ClimateChange.Re-imagine or doomsDay.Is our current system viable over the long-term? See this. 3:36 PM Feb 3rd, 2009 via web

Really good twitter info at http://tinyurl.com/bpdxh2 See you later, gator. 3:54 PM Feb 2nd, 2009 via web

@DonnaChmura Thanks Donna.Who knew?Will use it next time. 12:15 PM Feb 1st, 2009 via web in reply to DonnaChmura

@wisewellwoman Yes, I like the Gandhi quote.Each of us does need to model the change that we want to see in the world. Whats ROL? 12:13 PM Feb 1st, 2009 via web in reply to wisewellwoman

@wisewellwoman DonnaChuma says go to tinyurl.com. paste the long link into the box.Hit enter or ok.It will give you a tinyurl you can paste. 12:08 PM Feb 1st, 2009 via web in reply to wisewellwoman

How do you add a link using tinyurl.com?? I need instruction. 11:39 AM Feb 1st, 2009

@mhalpert Welcome Mark+Mira-fellow Co-preneurs. www.copreneurs.org.We are on a common mission to help families and eager to work with you. 10:46 AM Feb 1st, 2009 via web in reply to mhalpert

Expecting a quiet day off.SuperBowl Sun is THE day to do what you would normally avoid for fear of crowds.Go do it!No one else will be out. 9:30 AM Feb 1st, 2009

Now?Going to eat at http://shenspeking.com w/my sister.Tomorrow putting on a CME training to a sell-out crowd.And Sunday, finally a day off. 7:15 PM Jan 30th, 2009

See my blog post Marriage? Its critical to start off right.Once the damage is done its almost impossible to repair the bond. 6:27 PM Jan 29th, 2009

70,000 jobs lost today.Oy.Pray this is one of those times when the worst turns out -ultimately- to be the best.Can you see it? 10:05 PM Jan 26th, 2009 via web

There are two sides to every story.Read my newest contribution to Entrepreneur.com at http://www.entrepreneur.com/ask/answer12870.html 10:25 PM Jan 16th, 2009 via web

@diy_pam I think shes confusing matters.Simply-with addictions-the symptom is physical,the cause neuro/psychological & the cure spiritual. 8:11 AM Jan 14th, 2009 via web in reply to diyPam

Obamas are considering a Portugese Water Dog (PWD)! My beloved Roscoe is a 3 year old PWD that I got 2 years ago from a shelter in Ft Laud. 10:33 PM Jan 12th, 2009

Mediation today with a couple who started on the lawyer route and switched.Divorce doesnt have to destroy a family. www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 8:45 AM Jan 4th, 2009

Working on my book.Need an agent.Any ideas?Will see Benjamin Buttons tonite.Saw Marley NYE, not what I expected-go&bring a box of tissues. 12:34 PM Jan 3rd, 2009

E-zine sent. What an ordeal! Ask me for a copy. I love having 4 days off, I get so much done. LOL. Health, wealth and joy to us all in 2009. 12:45 AM Jan 2nd, 2009

Watching MSNBC.Bed is calling.Grateful my weekend plans canceled and I have 2 days off.Thinking about life.Darn-my crystal ball is broken. 11:53 PM Dec 12th, 2008

Tonite was the final episode of our AM radio show.Yes-I am so ready to give it up but still have mixed feelings.Oh well-onward and upward. 9:28 PM Dec 11th, 2008

So much to do.And another busy day begins NOW.I want off the rat-race treadmill.At a crossroads. How do I de-clutter EVERYTHING in my life? 7:50 AM Dec 9th, 2008 via web

Advancing my mission to change the way we divorce at http://tinyurl.com/6puwtt 11:22 PM Dec 7th, 2008 via web

Cleaning up. And looking for an agent for my books "The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right" & "Good Divorce In A Bad Economy" 6:13 PM Nov 26th, 2008

5-day mediation training begins today.Intense and draining.OK.Listen tomorrow-Thurs-6-7pm www.wwnnradio.com and call-in.We need your input. 7:26 AM Nov 19th, 2008

Home from Gainesville.Confused.Do we move?Waiting for a sign.In the meantime, getting ready for tomorrow's Mastermind & mediation sessions. 11:42 PM Nov 9th, 2008

Hello Radio Land. Susan in the studio.I must appear by phone.TONITE-6-7pm.Please listen, call, & shamelessly self-promote. www.wwnnradio.com 1:13 PM Nov 6th, 2008

No Obama.We couldn't get into the arena.Waited 2 hrs in a mile long line.The weather & people on line were great but we were shut out. :( 12:06 AM Oct 30th, 2008 via web

Leaving now to go and see Barack Omaba in Sunrise. Hes worth the wait and the crowd. Will report tomorrow. 4:02 PM Oct 29th, 2008 via web

Quiet day. We want to move to Gainesville. Lots involved before that can happen. Work? The house? Clean the clutter. Help me make it happen. 3:47 PM Oct 26th, 2008

@CommonTables Dave, Sarasota, Bradenton, Tarpon Springs and Tampa. Fantastic!! Any hope for Boca Raton or Gainesville? 6:18 PM Oct 21st, 2008 via web in reply to CommonTables

Click to see my blog on Zietgeist, Ayers, Hussein, Madonna divorce, getting old. Now-breaking news:Madge still doesnt have it right 8:07 AM Oct 21st, 2008 via web

@diy_pam I just sent a client your way. Too late for A Friendly Divorce, his wife already hired an atty. Leaving now to teach in Orlando. 3:26 PM Oct 14th, 2008 via web in reply to diyPam

Our work is to educate them that this option exists - good economy or bad - its the best way for 95%. This is my mission. www.AFriendlyDivorce.com 7:08 AM Oct 14th, 2008 via web in reply to talktolaura1

@talktolaura1 Yes, when people learn that they can divorce w/o legal battles its common sense to choose pro-se/pre-suit mediation. 7:05 AM Oct 14th, 2008 via web in reply to talktolaura1

@talktolaura1 17 yrs I mediated solo.The last 2 yrs I have worked with a co-mediator.Especially for divorce I wouldn't go it alone again. 4:07 PM Oct 13th, 2008 via web in reply to talktolaura1

Watching CNN special on Presidential health. Why didn't they mention McCain's PTSD?? This compromises his ability to be Pres. 12:31 AM Oct 13th, 2008 via web

Just saw Bill Maher's Religulous.Very upsetting.Are the fanatics set on a self fulfilling prophecy of destruction?Scary.See it, lets talk. 9:06 PM Oct 12th, 2008

@diy_pam Your idea is so brilliant I will help you anyway I can. And, I can. Remember I have been teaching family law to mediators. Call. 4:29 PM Oct 11th, 2008 via web in reply to diyPam

Laundry.Working on my book.Took Roscoe to the groomer.Good to have a quiet day. "You can learn through wisdom or woe, it's your choice." Myss 8:21 AM Oct 11th, 2008

Today: working and writing. See what I did yesterday at Amy Sue's blog http://tinyurl.com/4owzl2 4:06 PM Oct 7th, 2008 via web

After a 2-week break, my family mediation class continues today. I get to teach my favorite subject to fantastic students. Gotta get ready. 7:43 AM Oct 3rd, 2008

Debate report: Palin sounds like Minnie Mouse with a ND accent. Stop schlepping that baby around, please leave him home with a sitter. 7:40 AM Oct 3rd, 2008 via web

Wishing you a Healthy, Prosperous & Joyous New Year. A good day to tie up loose ends and start anew. For me, the de-cluttering continues. 9:42 AM Sep 30th, 2008 via web

Busy day: BNI, Courthouse, Chamber luncheon, clients at 3, then Robin & Dubow On The Radio tonite. Please listen 6-7pm www.wwnnradio.com. 2:33 PM Sep 25th, 2008 via web

@CommonTables Dave, Very exciting. I am here in Florida waiting for my group to form. Please keep me posted. 2:28 PM Sep 25th, 2008 via web in reply to CommonTables

Good Morning. I am off to BNI. Have a joyous day. 6:42 AM Sep 25th, 2008.

Officially twittering. Is this the ultimate in narcissism? Spent the last 3 days in NY. My e-mailbox is on overload. I am sorting thru. 11:19 PM Sep 24th, 2008.

Step Families: The Missing Steps

2009-12-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

Relationships in step-families are extremely complex. Often, in a step-family, the normal developmental phases are bypassed and the important stages or steps that help prepare a family to deal with the next phase are missed. Families with teen-age children, especially, may find themselves unprepared for the stress that results when an adolescent tests his/her independence.

Without the advantage of shared experiences that are gained over a period of time, step-family members often don't have a chance to learn to trust one another, come to an understanding of the rules of discipline, or agree upon reasonable expectations. However, if family members are very committed to working through the issues they can get to a wonderful place. IT IS POSSIBLE. But, it takes time, patience, and an emotional investment. The place to start is in learning about the dynamics of step-families and seeking professional counseling to help with the transition.

New Year's Resolutions For Small Business

2009-12-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

Baby steps are usually best when talking about change so please look at these proposed resolutions as year-long projects.

1. Resolve to clean out the clutter. Clutter is unprofessional and a psychic drain - blocking creative energy and new ideas. When a business's physical space is disorganized or overcrowded it sends a negative message to staff and customers. Use ebay (or an ebay reseller), freecycle (www.freecycle.com), or a bartner exchange to get rid of your extra inventory and unwanted items.

2. Resolve to tap into your existing resources. List your personal and professional resources and create an action plan outlining how you will use each of those resources during the next month, six months, and year ahead.

3. Resolve to give your website a face lift (or makeover). Your web presence should be viewed as your business' face on the world stage. It should be a work in progress. Keep your website current and make frequent updates and revisions. Make sure your website links to your Facebook, twitter, and blog pages.

4. Resolve to reduce expenses. What worked during boom times will not work now. If it is too difficult for you to see what you can trim, sit down with someone else who doesn't know that much about your business. Show them your expense spreadsheet. Explain where your money is going. Which expenses can you justify? Which ones seem out of line?

5. Resolve to provide exemplary customer service. Your customers are the key to your success. Can you keep your customers happy? I am amazed at how often I encounter businesses that seem oblivious to the fact that if they don't make their customers happy there is someone else waiting for the business. Stay connected to your customers, find out what is working for them, what isn't, and what needs you can meet.

6. Resolve to create an out-of-the-box niche. Your out-of-the-box niche is what makes you stand out from the crowd. If you don't have a niche and nothing in your industry calls to you, start studying your industry's past, current, and emerging market trends. Do some market research by talking to targeted customer groups and find their unmet needs. Having a niche doesn't mean you turn away other business. You can still take that business in. But, having a niche gives you a marketing target and expert status.

Conflict Managment Predictions For 2010

2009-12-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

Recently I was asked to make conflict related predictions for 2010. Here is what I said.

In 2010, as resources become tighter, we will encounter more conflicts in our personal and professional lives and this trend will be mirrored on the local, national, and international stages. The new economy will continue to foster the creation of innovative services by entrepreneurs who are able to side-step the traditional attorney-driven model of conflict management. The majority of these services will be technology based, allowing people to access information that they will use in DIY models or with reduced fee service providers.

Additionally, here are my top 3 Conflict Managment predictions for 2010

1. Mediation will be used to resolve many of our current foreclosure and related mortgage problems.

2. Terminated employees will bring law suits against their former employers in record numbers. Most of these cases will be treated as nuisance matters and settled for small sums.

3. Media circus divorces (Jon and Kate) will continue to lose in popularity with celebrity couples choosing instead to use the confidential process of mediation to negotiate their break-ups. The public will continue to follow suit.

Fighting Through Divorce

2009-12-13T18:46:00.000-08:00

Often, when I tell someone the name of my business - A Friendly Divorce - they laugh. "A Friendly Divorce? Ha, Ha. That's an oxymoron." Others think we only help couples that are already friendly. And, they wonder how much business we could possibly do if our target market is divorcing couples that get along. In fact, very few of our clients walk into our office feeling friendly. Our goal is to turn that around and get them to a place where friendly (or at least polite) is possible. And, we know that a fight serves a purpose for a divorcing couple and a part of the process. Of course, we believe that the fight is best staged in our office and not in a courtroom with attorney assistance. Why do couples going through divorce fight? Well, the fight serves five purposes.

1. To enable the partners to determine if reconciliation is possible.
2. To expose past hurts.
3. To confirm that the spouse is no longer part of the team and instead wants to take care of him/her self.
4. To keep the connection alive until the lessor connected partner is ready to let go.
5. To enable each spouse to avoid looking at her/herself and their individual failures. By pointing the finger at the other spouse, each partner can lessen his/her guilt and feelings of failure.
6. To promote letting go.

Keep in mind that each divorce, each couple, and each fight is unique. So some of this be more relevant in some cases then in others. However, there is always some version of the fight and if we can help a couple structure their fight and make it more productive there is a better chance for a productive dialogue as they move through the process of divorce and into their future relationship as co-parents. If instead the fight is driven by attorneys in a court setting they miss much of this opportunity for self-discovery and closure.

Why Did Tiger Cheat?

2009-12-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

The Top Ten Reasons Why Tiger Cheated

1. Sexual addiction. Like many child stars, this child athlete was objectified, becoming a commodity to his handlers. It follows that he now sees other people in the same light, as objects to satisfy his needs.

2. The evolutionary explanation is that man's biological need is to spread his seed and thus ensure survival of the human race. Culturally this plays out in our setting and accepting the double standard. (Boys will be boys, right?)

3. Why did Tiger cheat? Forget the word cheat. After 20 years of mediating divorces I know infidelity is usually just an attempt to satisfy unmet needs. Money, fame, and endorsement contracts can make life easier but they cannot fill up the emptiness inside.

4. Marriage is difficult and every marriage presents challenges. In Tiger's case there were significant cultural differences and the stress connected to celebrity. Additionally, this couple faced the typical pitfalls that couples encounter when the focus is moved from "the we" onto the children, and work-related travel and the normal stress of life get in the way.

5. Culturally we provide no marriage preparation. When hormones are running high, no one wants it. How can young people learn about what it takes to make marriage work when all they have it the romantic fantasy the media provides? Society should impose marital education that would include both an extensive pre-marital assessment/profile and follow-up into the first few years of marriage.

6. There is a Universal Law that no one gets a free ride. High highs bring low lows. You know, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Now's his time to feel the pain of humiliation. And, after all that glory, its gonna be big. We may have only seen the tip of the ice berg.

7. He didn't think we'd care. After all, he's not a minister, politician or other proponent of high morals. When a holy-roller hypocrite is caught cheating its their hypocrisy, more then their human failings, that do them in. Tiger is just an athlete, not a Conservative pundit or an Evangelical Minister. He is entitled to make mistakes, after all he never told us how to live.

8. Others got away with it. Kobe, Letterman, Hugh Grant, Woody Allen, Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy and others have been able to continue on after their naughty headlines. Sex scandals come in degrees. Within reason we are happy to cut most men some slack.

9. The Shadow. This is Carl Jung's term for the repressed and denied aspects of self. We project out the opposite of what we identify with with. Whats repressed is expressed. So its natural that Woods' wholesome persona had an indecent unconscious shadow aspect.

10. Like all of us, Tiger's greatest strength is also his greatest weakness. And, like the rest of us, whats best about him is also whats worst about him. Tiger's uncanny ability to block out other thoughts and focus on the moment and his game has made him the world's most successful golfer. But, this same ability to concentrate and be in the moment may have allowed him to block out the consequences for his actions and put his marriage out of his peripheral vision. Is Tiger a one-trick pony? (A golf success and a life failure.) I don't know. Stay tuned and we will find out.

(Special thanks to my friend and colleague Dr. Renae Lapin, LMFT who once again proves two heads are better then one. Renae's feedback sparked the magic of brainstorming and allowed me to finish this post.)

The Business of Unprecedented Change

2009-11-29T14:47:00.000-08:00

We are living in a time of unprecedented change. And this means that each of us is also faced with unprecedented opportunity.

The dictionary defines unprecedented as "without previous instance; never before known or experienced; unparalleled." Our current experience - a collective swimming in unchartered waters - was brought about as technological advancements, which continue to occur at lightning speed, met and coupled with the new economy. Additionally, for many entrepreneurs, industry specific factors may also be at play.

I have been talking to business owners about these unprecedented times and I am finding that smart entrepreneurs know that keeping their eyes open to the emerging trends in our culture, our communities, and our industries is critical. In fact, this is the perfect time to ask ourselves what unprecedented changes and opportunities are facing me and my business. Here is how some smart and savvy professionals answered this question. As someone fascinated with the concept of emerging trends, I would love to hear your answer.

Dr. Ralph Bourjolly is an Optometric Physician in Pompano Beach, Florida. Dr. Ralph saw an unprecedented opportunity when a technological advancement allowed him to incorporate a digital camera that takes pictures of a patient's retina, into his practice. He is now able to take clear pictures of a retina without dilating the patient's eyes and email the photographs to a retina specialist, saving time and raising the standard of care.

Jay Ghanem, of Auto Tech and Body in Pompano Beach, Florida is an entrepreneur with a unique ability to sense industry changes and opportunities. Jay is currently working on ways to power cars with waste cooking oil. And, he recently became a distributor of Xenon headlights. These lights can be installed in any car, reducing energy consumption while significantly improving visibility.

Massage therapist Marie-Josee Berard of the Infant Massage Institute says that an emerging trend in her industry is using massage during pregnancy to avoid colic and other common problems. Amazingly, Marie-Josee is able to use massage to help mothers take care of their babies while the babies are still in the womb.

According to Michael J. Maynes, a Financial Advisor and Certified Financial Planner, "the financial services industry is going through a pruning process and this trend will probably continue so that broker dealers with poor balance sheets and high risk portfolios will be acquired and stronger firms with less debt and lower portfolio risk will gain market share." Mike has found that the current economic mess has caused his role to evolve so that he has become more of a helper, assisting people in developing or revising their budgets and managing their finances after a layoff.

Danielle Zimmerman of Abi's Place, a school that specializes in teaching children with moderate to severe developmental disabilities, says that recent cuts in Medicaid funding and school budget cuts have provided her with a unique opportunity. Because Abi's Place is a 503© they are able to raise funds with creative fundraising events and provide the services that her students need.

The bottom line is this. If you are a dentist, you need to be taking digital x-rays. If you are a psychotherapist, you need to expand your tool box beyond Woody Allen style long-term therapy. It's that simple. Those who are able to turn their challenges into opportunities will weather the economic storm.

Resolutions For A Happy Marriage

2009-11-12T12:02:00.000-08:00

While cleaning out my e-mail-box I came across this list. Yes, chronologically, it works better for New Years then Thanksgiving but this is good advice at any time of the year. So, please consider these resolutions for a happy marriage.

1. Resolve to clean-out the clutter. When you clean up your house you are honoring your home - the temple for your relationship.

2. Resolve to have the difficult conversations. Talk to each other. And, if that's too hard, write each other letters.

3. Resolve to live within your means and clean-up your credit. You already know which one of you is "the saver" and which is "the spender." Put "the saver" in charge of all funds. You may need three accounts - yours, mine and a joint account to insure that everyone is comfortable with the arrangement.

4. Resolve to put each other first - before your kids, parents, friends, or jobs.

5. Resolve to work together as a team. Marriage works best when the partners don't see things in terms of win-lose against each other. A sports team is most successful when everyone pulls together for the common good - so is a marriage.

Hmm.... Where Am I?

2009-10-17T15:54:00.001-07:00

Wow. Its been almost three months since I posted anything on this blog. Could it be that I have nothing to say? Those of you who know me know that that is highly unlikely.

There are so many avenues for expression these days I often dont know where to go first. A few months ago I stated using Facebook. Its a great medium in that it provides a pictorial component to go along with the written words. Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever reads this blog. But, with Facebook I know that someone is reading - their responses are almost immediate. So please, if you have not done so already, connect to me on Facebook and/or Twitter.

Things have been hectic. On a personal note, this summer was a busy and joyful time. My daughter completed her training at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center. While she was there - for four months - we babysat for our granddogs, making us a four dog household. And, both my son and my niece got married within a two week span of time. As part of the festivities I traveled to New York four times and hosted two local bridal showers. And when the weddings were all done David and I went to Las Vegas for an amazing birthday party for my sister Michele.

Professionally, I have become interested in the work of legal futurist Richard Susskind (The End of Lawyers? Oxford, 2008). Susskind asserts that “the legal system is on the brink of a fundamental transformation.” In my mind, the family law arena is ripe for a revolution, or at least a makeover. The public seems eager to move away from the traditional/attorney-driven model of divorce, towards a more humane and family-friendly approach. And, the new economy is accelerating the shift. We continue to be very busy at A Friendly Divorce. But, there is a limit to how many couples David and I can personally usher through the transition of divorce. So, we are venturing out to teach other professionals our system. We are now assembling a small group of Florida mediators to learn our process and help move us closer to a national training program. Please contact me if you want to learn more about how we help families conserve their resources and minimize heartache during one of the most difficult times any family can face.

Jon, Kate, and Everyone Else Getting Divorced

2009-07-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

Divorce always has a component of physical, psychological, social, financial, and logistical upheaval. Upheaval makes for good TV. HOWEVER, if Jon and Kate entered into mediation - without lawyers - with the goal of creating a workable agreement the process would make AMAZING TV. It would provide the public with an opportunity to see something that they have never seen before. Would it be pretty? No. But, the very difficult dialogue would be a unique and beneficial experience for all involved as well as those observing.

I am on a mission to change the way we divorce. And, the current economic mess is helping me prove my point. Divorce is a personal transition. It is insane that this transition should be guided or decided by lawyers or judges. How crazy is it for a family - that is already at an emotional low - to give a percentage of their financial resources to two outsiders who then argue over how to divide the remains? A couple going through a divorce does not need lawyers to fuel the flame, add to the drama, and put their children in a war zone. There is a better way.

Please take a look at my website - www.AFriendlyDivorce.com - for more info.

Gates & Crowley - It Takes Two To Tango

2009-07-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

Scholar Henry Louis Gates, Jr and Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley could both benefit from an honest look at the behaviors that each of them contributed to their recent arrest fiasco and the subsequent media circus.

In my mind, racism and its related open wound, are key factors in the whole matter. But, other factors, and some big fat male egos, come into play too.

Would the woman who called-in the initial 911 report have called the police if the men she saw breaking-into Gates house were white? Honestly, we will never know how much of the motivation behind the woman's call came from racial profiling and how much was from her concern as a neighbor.

Likewise, we don't have a video tape of the arrest scene. So we will never really know how things played out when Crowley showed up. However, my 20 years as a mediator has taught me that in almost every human conflict, it takes two to tango. So I believe that both men contributed to the escalation of the conflict. And, while race is one of the factors that influenced both men before, during and after the arrest incident, power and ego also came into play.

Gates is calling for an apology. And, at this point, in the court of public opinion, Crowley would be wise to offer one. Here is what he could say and still save face:

"Needless to say, this incident was most unfortunate and I am sorry that it has caused Dr. Gates suffering and stress. I was called to the house for a reported break-in and sadly things escalated before it became clear that this was Dr. Gates' home. I hope that Dr Gates knows that it was my intention to protect this home, as I would want to protect any home in Cambridge. I can understand how upsetting it must have been for Dr Gates to have the police show up on his doorstep, especially since he was already dealing with the frustration of being locked out. Under different circumstances I believe that Dr Gates would have conveyed the facts to me and we would not be here now. Once again, I am sorry for the suffering and stress that Dr. Gates has endured in relation to this incident."

Likewise, Dr Gates can take this mishap and turn it into an opportunity for opening up a worthwhile and meaningful dialogue on race and racial relations. Hopefully, he will choose this path and avoid putting himself into the whinney victim stance that we often see in reaction to feelings of dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or disenfranchised.

Summer As A Single

2009-06-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

Summer may be a difficult time for those that are newly divorced. Summer vacations, the beach, and picnics can be fun; but they can also trigger insecurities and feelings of loss, loneliness, and failure. Here are some tips to help get you through the summer season.

5 Things To Do

1. Plan ahead. Dont wait until the last minute to make summer plans. However, be flexible and know that the plan may change.

2. Tap into your support network. Dont depend on just one person. Make sure you include many others - friends and/or family members - in your plan.

3. Keep it simple. Avoid biting off more then you can chew. Keep your financial and time restrictions in mind and set up a plan that you can afford.

4. Create new rituals. Divorce is the perfect time to assess and re-create your life as you want it to be. This time of assessment also allows you to design rituals that you will want to follow for years to come. Ask yourself - what do I REALLY want to do over this summer? Is there a signature event that you can host and call your own for years to come (Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, or just a Girl's Weekend Getaway)? Now, set it up and do it.

5. Volunteer to help the needy. Giving back to the community feels good but it is also a great way to meet new people.

5 Things NOT To Do

1. Dont isolate. A little alone time is OK but make sure that you will be around others in your support network.

2. Dont waste time arguing over the details. If your Ex is stuck on having the kids for certain days, go with the flow. Many of my clients find that they get more when they give in. So be flexible and open to unseen possibilities.

3. Dont focus on the past or hold on to old patterns and rituals. Change is the only guaranty we have in life. Avoid dwelling on the things you miss as well as the vacation disasters that were part of you former life. Instead look to the future and march on.

4. Dont go anywhere you really dont want to go. Avoid critical or nosey relatives and anyone else who will open up old wounds.

5. Dont jump into a new relationship just because you dont want to be "alone." Instead, enjoy this summer season as a single.

The Mother-Daughter Bond

2009-06-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

For many women, the Mother-Daughter connection is life’s most complex relationship. This powerful bond can bring a woman unique insight, grace, and understanding or extreme sadness and resentment.

Typically, as a Mother-Daughter relationship evolves over time, their dependencies change. Ideally, Mom should become a supportive friend and ally. But early patterns can influence us forever. And, for some, the Mother-Daughter relationship stays stuck in adolescence - fraught with hurt, disappointment, disconnection, and conflict.

It takes two to tango. However, in order to improve a Mother-Daughter relationship, the mother must do more of the work. Here are five things you can do to lessen Mother-Daughter conflict.

1. Accept your daughter as an adult. Mothers who are unable to accept their daughters as adults typically find that their relationships are categorized by struggle and old patterns of control and rebellion.

2. Don't criticize. A mother's efforts to motivate self-improvement often make a daughter feel hurt and inadequate. Daughters need their mothers to view them as competent adults and beautiful women.

3. Listen supportively and allow breathing room. Avoid giving advice which may reflect your own values and desires. Instead, ask questions to improve your understanding of what she wants to do when faced with difficulty and allow your daughter to make her own decisions - even if you disagree.

4. Check it out. Before you do anything for your daughter or intervene in any way check it out with her. The Golden Rule does NOT apply. Instead, do unto your daughter, as SHE wants to be done unto. The only way you will know this is to ASK her what she wants.

5. Create a Mother-Daughter tradition and/or go on a Mother-Daughter retreat.

Moving Through The Crisis

2009-05-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

At a recent meeting of The Mental Health Professionals of Boca Raton, a group of local therapists brainstormed ideas on how we can best guide our clients through the current crisis. There was a lot of wisdom at that meeting and this is what we came up with.

We are currently living through financial, real estate and health crises. The stock market and banks are in upheaval, the real estate market is a disaster, unemployment is at an all time high, and in addition to the health care mess we are facing a possible pandemic. This is enough to push almost anyone over the edge.

Ann Toback Bair, LCSW, calls our current situation a “crisis of trust.” Sadly, there have been serious breaches of trust and many of us have lost faith in our leaders, our institutions, each other and, for some, our selves.

The financial crisis has triggered a lot of shame. Those who have lost their homes, their jobs, and their available credit often feel driven to point the finger of blame at their spouses, family members, and friends. Loss brings back childhood insecurities, leaving us with a diminished capacity and a tendency to act out negatively.

However, there are things you can do to avoid falling victim to the negativity. Strategies for getting though the current crisis fall into two categories - action strategies and attitude strategies.

Action Strategies

1. Create a concrete plan of action. List your personal resources and then conceptualize the strategies that you will utilize during the next month, 6 months and year ahead.

2. Become an activist. Get involved with something that is going to make a difference.

3. Commune. Connect with your neighbors and members of your community. Avoid isolation. Start or join a support group or a meet-up. Have a Bar-b-q – serve hot dogs, not steak. Make time for sharing breakfast. It’s critical to remember that you are not alone.

4. Meditate and breathe. When we are anxious we tend to hold our breath. Using a breathing meditation allows us to take in more oxygen. And, more oxygen allows us to think more clearly.

5. Stay busy. Find free activities. Take a walk. Visit the park or the beach.

6. Find more creative ways for finding the goods and services you need. Barter. Recycle. Negotiate. Create.

Attitude Strategies

1. Start the morning with a positive affirmation.

2. Focus on the ways that the glass of your life is half (or more) full.

3. Avoid comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides. For example, you know your 401K is in the toilet. Don’t assume that the same is not true for your neighbor or brother-in-law. When you think of yourself as the only victim you further feed the negative emotions.

4. See crisis as an opportunity to shift gears.

5. Accept those around you as they are. Focus instead on what can be changed in your and your attitudes.

6. Don’t dwell on your losses, mourn them and let them go.

A special thank you to the meeting participants: Ann Toback Bair, LCSW, Barbara Jacob, LMHC, Mark Levinsky, LMHC, Susan Ames, CLU, ChFC, Erica Goodstone, PhD, LMHC, Lisheyna Hurvitz, LMHC, Lillian Alper, LCSW, Susan Lander, MSW, Irv Nadler, PhD, Robin Goldstein, EdD, Beth Cutler, LMHC, CAP, and Julie Shuman, PsyD.

Co-Preneur Advice

2009-04-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Q: What's the best way to partner up with my spouse? I'm starting a real estate company and I want my husband, who will soon get his real estate license, to be a part of it. Would it be best, financially, to work as a team with him doing sales and me doing listings or have him as an assistant? How should we define our business roles?

A: Co-preneurship is one of my favorite topics. I find the combination of entrepreneurship and the marriage relationship fascinating. And, I am a co-preneur myself.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's 2002 Economic Census more than 3.6 million businesses in the U.S. are run by co-preneurs, husband-wife entrepreneurial teams. Certainly, no single model fits all of them. Some are part of a revolution that is pioneering a new model of marital and business equality. For others, their business is an extension of a traditional marriage where mom is behind the scenes and dad runs the show. The recent growth in co-preneurship has been attributed to a wide variety of causes, everything from new franchise availability to the high cost of child care.

For many co-preneurial couples no part of life is separate from the others; your financial, spiritual, professional and family lives are intertwined. As such, copreneurs face some unusual challenges, and reap some magnificent rewards.

As a result of both my work with co-preneurs and my personal experience as one - building my own business (AFriendlyDivorce.com) with my husband, David - I have come to see that there are no easy answers. What works for some will be disaster for others. However, some key concepts are essential to making co-preneurship work. Here are my top six tips for working with your spouse.

1. Be patient. It’s necessary to learn to work together. So, when you start a new business, be prepared for a learning curve. It takes time to establish the right working relationship and pace. So whatever you decide today may not be what you are following tomorrow. Starting your new venture will involve trial and error. So don't get discouraged.

2. Find and define your shared vision and values. Shared vision and values are necessary for success. It’s important that co-preneurs agree on the purpose of their business; is it a way of life or a way to earn an income? You will be making business decisions based on your priorities and values.

3. Divide the work. The more distinction you have in your tasks and job descriptions, the better. For many couples, dividing tasks according to ability, not gender stereotypes, is difficult. But this is what often works best. As with all business partnerships, co-preneurship will work best if you and your husband possess different skill sets. Your husband is a very unusual man if he is willing to be called your "assistant." That is a loaded title that raises a red flag. If this is the route that you decide to go I think he should be called the "administrator" or the CFO instead.

4. Communicate. Find out how your husband really feels. Have you considered how this endeavor will effect your marriage? Take about it. Write about it.

5. Fight fair. Hear each other out. Keep all arguments focused on the current dispute instead of reverting back to old hurts and squabbles. And, when you disagree, give yourselves a cooling-off period before making the final decision.

6. Put the saver, not the spender, in charge of money, finances and budgets. The spender may go kicking and screaming, but this is almost always the best business policy.

Co-preneurship can destroy a marriage. So, before you take the plunge, honestly assess your situation. If you regularly struggle with control issues in your marriage, running a business together is not a great idea.

Remember, there is no getting away from your co-worker when you are married to him. You already know whether you and your husband operate as a team or as two individuals who happen to share a space and a future.

Have You Launched Your Divorce/Family Mediation Practice?

2009-03-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Family Mediator,

Have you successfully launched your divorce/family mediation practice?

Are you satisfied with your divorce/family mediation practice?

Newly trained mediators often report that they face obstacles in their efforts to launch their divorce/family mediation practices. It seems that whether the goal is to build a practice for couples that are represented by attorneys or for those that are pro-se, the road to private practice is often bumpy. Obstacles can include:

a lack of confidence regarding the novice mediator’s ability to effectively facilitate the session,
a lack of confidence regarding the mediator’s knowledge of the legalities involved in divorce, including calculating child support and writing the marital settlement agreement,
market saturation,
a failure to create an inclusive marketing plan, and
the lack of a professional mentor and/or a support system.

If these or any other obstacle has kept you from achieving your goal of launching a divorce/family mediation practice, please don't give up. I have long believed that the 40-hour training model that we use in Florida is only a first step for embarking upon a new career as a professional divorce/family mediator. If you are already certified but you still feel unprepared to go to the next level, I have a solution for you. If you have tried to get your practice going with less then satisfactory results, I have a solution for you.

You are invited to join "Launch Your Practice: A Professional Group For Divorce/Family Mediators."

The group will meet over a six month period. During this time we will explore topics related to mediation techniques and strategies as well as to the marketing of a mediation practice. Our time together will include three day-long meetings (August 2009, October 2009, and January 2010), bi-monthly phone conversations and an in-depth email dialogue. Enrollment is limited and participants will be selected so that there will be no direct geographic market competitors. The investment for being a part of this group is $2495. Please call or email me if you want to learn more.

All the best,

Elinor

Elinor Robin, PhD
Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator & Mediatioin Trainer
Boca Raton, FL
561-394-9226
954-415-5645 CELL
elinorobin@aol.com
* Teaching mediation - over 5000 professionals trained - http://www.mediationtraininggroup.com/
* Commercial, family, community, & workplace mediation - http://www.elinorrobin.com/
* Divorce Mediation & Forms - http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/

Engaged

2009-02-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

This weekend my son Seth (a/k/a Jesse and Yeshi) Sheckartze became engaged to Lena Bausk. They are a perfect match. (In my opinion.) Details to follow. The engagement party will be March 29 and the wedding will be sometime this summer. You can leave them your well wishes at http://www.onlysimchas.com/v4/index.cfm/fuseaction:simcha.view/simchaid:83004.

Two Sides To Every Story

2009-01-16T19:18:00.000-08:00

Q: How do you deal with an employee who doesn't get along with the rest of the staff? There are seven women working in close proximity. One woman refuses to take her lunch break with the others. She will not talk to them either. This attitude makes the six other employees uncomfortable. What ideas do you have to alleviate this problem?

Read my answer, my newest contribution to Entrepreneur.com at
http://www.entrepreneur.com/ask/answer12870.html

The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right

2009-01-08T12:45:00.001-08:00

Each year, over two million brides and grooms come to their weddings full of love and hopeful expectations. Sadly, for many, "the honeymoon" is soon over and statisticians tell us that couples today have a less than even chance of staying together. Worse yet, many of those who do stay together, stay in misery - in marriages that have disintegrated into lonely unions plagued with disappointments.

Friends, relatives, and parents don't seem able to help young couples strengthen their marriage skills. Even if their marriages do work, these relations are typically not prepared to readily share the intimate details of their marital successes and failures.

Early on in my career as a divorce mediator I became fascinated with the relationship dynamics of the couples that came to me for help. I was interested in finding what had happened to move them away from believing that they would live together, happily ever after. I wanted to see and understand where their relationships had gone wrong and I had a rare vantage point.

So I started putting my thoughts and observations onto paper and ultimately, my notes became a book. Today, I believe that it is possible to counteract and avoid many of the pitfalls that destroy our marriages. However, it appears that it is critical that things start off right. Once the damage is done, it is almost impossible to go back and repair the bond - to reattach emotionally.

My book is titled "The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right." Clearly, there is both a need and a market for this book; the book stores have lots of books for planning the wedding, and volumes on fixing a bad relationship, but little on how to start a marriage. Accordingly, I really want to get my message out. But, I am told that until the economy turns around and the publishing business is back and clamoring for new titles, publishing the book will be very difficult. So I decided to post the book on this blog, in segments, over the next few months. Please stay tuned.

Year End Review

2008-12-14T13:10:00.000-08:00

Every year, since 1990, I have prepared a year end review. I find the practice very beneficial. What I do is simply create a written snap-shot of where I am - my impressions - of each area/aspect of my life and the major players in my immediate inner circle. This year I am going to add the following questions to my review. I cannot take credit for these questions. They came to me from my fellow MasterMinder, business coach Nanette Saylor, who credits them to coach, Milana Leshinsky.

- What's your biggest business objective in 2009?

- What's your biggest personal objective in 2009?

- Where are your biggest opportunities right now?

- Where do you see a gap in your market, what's not being offered?

- What do your customers and clients complain about?

- Where are you leaving money on the table?

- What new revenue streams can you easily add next year?

- What are your top 3 time eaters and energy drainers?

- What is your "Biggest Opportunity Project" for 2009?

- What are the top 5 marketing strategies you'll focus on?

- How will you know you've had a great year?

Thursday Night 10pm

2008-12-11T18:49:00.001-08:00

I am getting a ton of holiday cards this year. Most of them are so blah, so impersonal. Why bother if it doesn't express your true sentiments or your essence? What a waste of time, money, and paper. Bah humbug!

Tonight was the final episode of our AM radio show. Yes - I am so ready to give it up but still have mixed feelings. Oh well - onward and upward.

CME tomorrow and we have a big crowd coming. Better get to sleep. Nighty, night.

What is Mediation?

2008-12-06T08:05:00.000-08:00

Behind almost every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. There are five basic strategies that we humans use in response to conflict and the emotions it triggers. The strategies are to avoid, accommodate, combat, compromise, or collaborate. Only compromising and collaborating provide both a benefit to the relationship and a focus on attaining an individual goal. However, when we are emotionally triggered it is often difficult to compromise or collaborate and instead we go into fight, flight or freeze mode and we avoid, accommodate, or combat. One of the mediator's jobs is to take parties in conflict away from avoid, accommodate, or combat and bring them to compromise and/or collaborate. The process is often not pretty. In fact, it can be downright ugly. However, an effective mediator will know how to lead the parties through the muck by setting the stage, gathering information, defining the issues, developing an agenda, facilitating the discussion, and generating movement using a variety of investigative and persuasive techniques that are geared towards opening the parties minds and hearts and removing their blinders.

As you know I am on a mission to change the way we look at conflict and divorce. Here is my most recent contribution to the cause - http://www.lawcrossing.com/article/index.php?id=4755

Conflict Expert.

2008-11-30T07:42:00.000-08:00

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino just said (Sunday 11/30/08 10:30am on CNN) that "the media is addicted to conflict and it keeps the ratings up." She is of course correct. And now is the perfect time for the media to bring depth to some of those conflicts by having a conflict expert provide commentary. And, yes, I am available. "Wait a minute" you say. "You are a mediator." True, but, I am NOT living on Mediator Island singing kumbaya. Some mediators choose this profession because they are uncomfortable with conflict and ultimately their goal is to ameliorate it. If you know me, you know that is not where I am coming from. I love being in the trenches, analyzing the nuances of a conflict and helping determine the best way to hold and frame a heated discussion. I never encourage pseudo-peace. Instead, I find the dynamics of conflict and honest, up-front dialogue that focuses on defining the past, present and future aspects of a conflict fascinating. So, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, PBS, ABC, CBS, one of you, please give me a call.

Change Again?

2008-11-20T19:57:00.001-08:00

I love listening to Sirius Satellite radio in my car. And, I have my own show on terrestrial AM radio. Sadly, it seems both of these mediums are on their way out. http://itmanagement.earthweb.com/features/article.php/3786146. I don't have an MP3 player - or any player for that matter. And, I don't know what the difference is between an iPod and an MP3 player. Anyway, even though Susan and I are pretty much techno-dummies it looks like we will be moving our radio show to internet radio in early 2009. Is this progress or just change for change sake?

And, speaking of change, this year for the first time my sister and I will not be cooking Thanksgiving dinner. We are both really tired; there is a lot on our plates. So, I am going to buy a ready made turkey and 10 of us will eat it in her house. Once, years ago, we ate in a restaurant on Thanksgiving. That was not for me. I eat out so much, Thanksgiving is the one day I don't want to be in a restaurant. And, there are no real leftovers when you eat in a restaurant. Where are you going for Thanksgiving? Why is this Thanksgiving different?

The following list comes from a somewhat shocking email I just received. The email carried a warning about buying gift cards from stores that will soon be out of business. Some of these stores have been around for as long as I can remember. Is this Darwinian - with just the strongest and best retailers surviving - or one more sign of impending doom?

Circuit City - filed Chapter 11
Ann Taylor - closing 117 stores nationwide
Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug ,and Catherine's - closing 150 stores nationwide
Eddie Bauer - closing 27 stores, with more expected to close after January
Cache - will close all stores
Talbots - closing specialty stores
J. Jill and Pacific Sunwear (owned by Talbots) - closing all stores
The GAP - closing 85 stores
Footlocker - closing 140 stores, with more expected to close after January
Wickes Furniture - closing
Levitz Furniture - closing remaining stores
Bombay Furniture - closing remaining stores
Zales - closing 82 stores and another 105 after January
Whitehall - closing all stores
Piercing Pagoda - closing all stores
Disney - closing 98 stores, with expected to close after January
Home Depot - closing 15 stores
Macys - closing 9 stores after January
Linens and Things - closing all stores
Movie Galley - closing all stores
Pep Boys - closing 33 stores
Sprint/Nextel - closing 133 stores
JC Penney - planned closings after January
Ethan Allen - closing 12 stores
Wilson Leather - closing all stores
Sharper Image - closing all stores
K B Toys - closing 356 stores
Loews - closing some stores
Dillard's - closing some stores

Please pray for Barack Obama. He may be our only hope.

I cannot adequately explain the joy I receive from my dogs Stella and Roscoe - they are an amazing gift. And, so I am asking you to please consider adopting a dog or cat from a shelter. The economic crisis has forced many people to give up there pets and the shelters are at maximum capacity. Adopt a pet, I guarantee that your rewards will be much greater then any costs invovled.

Divorce Vultures

2008-11-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

A former student sent the following email to me last night. This is an example of why I am on a mission to carry the message that there is a better way to go through the process of divorce.

"I have a mediation question for you. My friend is getting divorced here in Palm Beach County and she is represented by a well known divorce atty. Last week she had a 141/2 hour (10am to 1 am) marathon mediation during which they settled the financial aspects of the case. At 6pm her attorney informed her that he had a prior obligation but that an associate from his firm who was familiar with her case would be there as well as her forensic accountant. Well, the agreement was signed and my friend is freaking out because she thinks she got a very bad deal.

Any thoughts re: the validity of the Agreement given the length of the mediation and the fact that her attorney left the mediation? Please get back to me as soon as possible with any thoughts...."

Hmm.... I think that the first thing the friend needs to do is ask herself how much deeper she wants to dig the hole.

Has she discussed this with her current attorney and/or gotten a second opinion?

She should ask about the 10-day rule (12.740(f)(1) and filing of an objection. But, she needs to act fast if this is the route she wants to take.

When money is involved, there is almost always a range. Does the settlement she agreed to put her within the range? If she was properly prepared for mediation, by her attorney, she would have entered into mediation knowing what the range would be.

I consider this event, which we can assume cost the couple somewhere in the $20,000 range a professional disgrace. (Do the math, 2 lawyers, 2 accountants, 1 mediator, all getting $300 - or more - an hour - for 14 and a half hours.) To me its illogical and unethical. But, its the way its often done when attorneys are running the show, so what do I know.

I don't give legal advice, but I do give life advice: NEVER, EVER sign ANYTHING at 1am, except a bar tab.

If you are going to have an attorney driven divorce choose wisely. In my mind, any attorney who would skip out on his/her emotionally and physcially exhausted client and allow the client to sign an agreement at 1am is a dolt or so burnt out that s/he just doesnt care anymore. (You notice that the attorney did not return later - when the obligation was over.) Especially because the stakes were life altering and buyers/sellers remorse is so often a factor in divorce this is unacceptable.

And, the mediator was no genius either. The correct thing to do was adjourn and come back to the mediation table when the clients could think clearly. No matter what the circumstances after 14 hours no one should be making critical decisions. The mediator had an ethical obligation to stop once the parties were no longer able to exercise self determination.

OK, I will get off the soap-box. Not all attorneys are bad. Some really get it and really want their clients to go on and re-build their lives. See for yourself, read Marion Lewis's blog at www.marionlewisesq.blogspot.com. I especially like the Nov 8 posting about a divorce ceremony.

Best, Elinor

Change, Hope and Doom

2008-11-05T04:58:00.000-08:00

We had a big night last night. Hope is again on the horizon. And, while I am not convinced that it is still possible to stop the downward spiral, if it is, clearly Barack Obama is our best choice and our best hope.

My questions for this week:

1. There is a universal law that says that what is perceived as the worst almost always has the potential to become the best. Our current economic crisis is going to give each of us a chance to really assess what is important and what is just distracting fluff. Along these lines, this year the holiday season will be very different. Do you have any ideas on how we can turn our challenges into blessings and survive the holidays this year?

2. What do you know about internet radio? Susan and I are considering moving our show from WNN, which is a local AM station, to this format.

3. I feel an amazing connection to my dogs Stella and Roscoe. And, it seems I run into people all the time that share this passion for their pets. Do you have a dog? Do you have an explanation for the intense connection we share with these creatures?

4. What has changed? What is the change we need? What shifts are happening for you?

I have been asked to answer last weeks questions.

1. Yes, it appears to me that it harder for a single person to find a life partner today than in the past. You would think that the internet would be making the process easier. However, we live in complex times and mate selection is complicated by confusing messages about gender roles and individual fulfillment. The cultural factors and the dynamics that play out in the process of mate selection continue to fascinate me. As a divorce mediator I find that some of the couples who end up at my table were mismatched from the beginning. So I believe that arranged marriage and/or old style matchmaking are very viable options in the 21st century.

2. If it helps, I am all for it. I am not sure if spirit attachment and/or soul fragmentation are what keeps us stuck. However, I do believe that a spiritual remedy can be the path away from our addictions and towards emotional health. The spiritual remedy involves becoming comfortable with surrender, acceptance, conscious contact with a higher/deeper power, and trusting the process of life as it unfolds. I believe that finding that comfort level is a process that involves finding the right discipline and staying committed to its practice. If there is a one size fits all spiritual answer I have not found it. But, I do know that any spiritual practice can take us to The Answer and can also take us away from The Answer.

3. I am in the process of writing an article, for a legal education website, about how pro-se/pre-suit divorce mediation is an emerging trend. Certainly, I am on a mission to carry that message. I will keep you posted.

4. We are heading into even tougher times. Peak-oil, environmental and climate crisis, war, and financial ruin in the stock market, the real estate market, and the banks. Peter Schiff says that the buy-outs have only postponed the inevetable. The jury is still out on where the US is going and if we can remain a viable world force. And, beyond our backyard Thomas Friedman reminds us that the world is flat, crowded, and hot. So, someone better come up with a plan. (Actually, Friedman proposes one.) Obama has his work cut out for him.

5. David and I are making progress on our move to Gainesville. A landscaper has made our house more attractive for sale and we are purging alot fo the clutter. We are going to Gainesville for another one of our exploratory missions later this week.

All the best, Elinor

Questions Of The Week

2008-10-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

My Top 5 Questions For This Week.

1. Is it harder for a single person to find a life partner today than in the past? Who should consider an arranged marriage? How about my children?

2. Have you ever heard of a book called "Spirit Releasement Therapy" by William Baldwin? Is it possible that spirit attachment and/or soul fragmentation are what is keeping you (and me) stuck? http://www.spiritreleasement.org

3. The traditional attorney driven divorce makes no sense. But, it still attracts lots of people. Why do you think that is? How can I best carry my A Friendly Divorce message? www.AFriendlyDivorce.com

4. Peter Schiff predicted our current financial crisis in 2006. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfascZSTU4o. How is the financial crisis effecting you? If Schiff is correct again, we are in for real problems. What is your plan for the future?

5. David and I would love to relocate to Gainesville. But, there are so many details involved. I am very open to your feedback. How can we make this move happen?

My World, Your World, Our World

2008-10-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

I made a commitment to my Mastermind group that I would post a weekly report on my blog. So, here is my official state of the world message for Oct 19, 2008.

1. Have you seen Zeitgeist: Addendum? If not you can view it at www.zeitgeistmovie.com. The first Zietgeist film focused on "suppressed information about our current dominant social institutions, while also exploring what could be in store for humanity if the power structures at large continue their patterns of self-interest, corruption, and consolidation."

"The second film, Zeitgeist: Addendum, attempts to locate the root causes our pervasive social corruption, while offering a solution. The solution is not based on politics, morality, laws, or any similar notions of human affairs, but rather on a modern, non-superstitious based understanding of what we are and how we align with nature." The film advocates "a new social system which is influenced by the life long work of Jacque Fresco, a futurist, who proposes creating solutions that maximally benefit the greatest number of people."

2. According to the British newspaper "The Sun" Guy Ritchie and Madonna have reached a divorce settlement. While the rich and famous sometimes have to show that they can have the biggest and most expensive divorce (to go along with the biggest and most expensive house and car) it is refreshing that this pair was smart enough to know that only a couple of dolts would pay lawyers a portion of what they have to argue over how the remaining percentage should be divided. And, that's only the money. The family restructuring brought on by divorce is so traumatic for children that it might be considered child abuse for parents to extend the process while they argue over nonsense. OK, I am jaded, but the more divorce horror stories I hear, the more I am convinced that we need to change the status quo and find better ways to move families through the transition and process of divorce.

3. We are only 16 days away from the election. The Dems take offense when the Republicans use Obama's full name - Barack Hussein Obama - saying that use of the H word is an attempt to bolster the Muslim rumors and frighten would-be voters. But, actually, in this world climate we probably need a Hussein on our side. During the next four years we are going to need to negotiate with people who hate us. I have to believe that BHO is a lot better equipped (and will be better received) than McCain the 3rd.

As to the Bill Ayers-Obama relationship. I dont know to what extent the two know each other but I do know that most of us dont know who Ayers was/is. Ayers was an anti-war activist during the Vietnam era. His activism was radical but those were insane times. (With hindsight, the Vietnam years, which marked my generation, were bad, but still less damaging to us as a nation than the Bush-Cheney atrocities.) Ayers knew we were going in the wrong direction and he was patriotic enough to want to stop it. History has proven Ayers views on Vietnam correct. According to Ayers "you could not be a moral person with the means to act, and stand still. To stand still was to choose indifference. Indifference was the opposite of moral." Too bad Ayers (or anyone else) did not step in and get our attention when we allowed ourselves to be led off, half-cocked, into Iraq. I personally hope that Obama will take counsel from Ayers and any one else who have the vision to see the larger global picture.

4. Tomorrow, my son Seth will be 33 years old. How did that happen? Where does time go? It was only yesterday (or last week) that he was a little boy with blond curls. And, I was young and strong. Today, my feet hurt. But, I did go to yoga this morning because exercise may be the only way to fight off a painful and miserable old age. I better do more.

5. Enough, I am going back to my own little world and The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right.

Have a great week. Elinor

Religulous

2008-10-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

Just saw Bill Maher's "Religulous." Very upsetting and scary. The question is - are the religious fanatics (of all of the persuasions) so devoted to their dogmas and predictions of destruction that destroying our world has become a self-fulfilling phophecy? Once upon a time, only God could bring down the world. But now man has that power. And, the people currently in power many not be the most clear thinking.

Susan and I will be talking about the movie on our radio show this Thursday - 6-7pmEST - 1470am in South Florida or www.wwnnradio.com. If you've seen the movie call in and give us your opinion - 888-565-1470.

On a different note. Do you twitter? If not its time. OK, maybe its not time but its fun. Go to www.twitter.com and sign up. And, follow me. I am better about tweeting than blogging.

Best, Elinor

Still Crazy After All This Time

2008-07-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow!! Its seven months since I last posted to this blog. Its not like I have posted elsewhere, I am just very, very busy. Lots going on - all of the time.

Shortly after my last post I moved my radio show to WBZT. Actually, there were two shows - a morning show that I did with two colleagues and an evening show, sponsored by a local treatment center, which focused on addiction and recovery. This went on for six months. But, for a variety of logistical reasons I decided to go back to WWNN and on June 20 my newest (and I think best) show - Robin and Dubow On The Radio - debuted. Dubow is of course my friend and colleague (my co-trainer at Mediation Training Group) Mediator Susan Dubow. Susan is a political pundit and my focus is (as always) relationship dynamics. So, we talk about conflict and everything from the presidential race to celebrity divorce. We would love to get more callers - especially those seeking advice - and to encourage that we have secured some great rewards. (Fantastic restaurant and personal service gift certificates.) So listen on Thursday evenings from 6-7pm - www.wwnnradio.com or 1470am if you are in South Florida - and call in.

David and I remain busy with A Friendly Divorce. And, we are constantly learning more about the complex process and effects of divorce. Sadly, we are finding that the terrible economy is acting as the final straw for many of our clients. These are couples who probably could have held their marriages together were it not for the added stress brought on by the current real estate crash, business crisis, and financial fiasco. In spite of the sadness we often witness, we find our work very gratifying, knowing that we are helping our clients conserve their resources, protect their children and save their sanity. In April we moved into a bigger and much nicer office, on June 24 we celebrated our AFD one year anniversary, and this month we contracted for office space so that we can now meet with clients in satellite offices in Plantation, Orlando, Palm Beach Gardens, Jacksonville, Tampa and Gainesville.

This week I begin another Family Mediation training program. At the same time my son Seth is moving to NY for his dream job while my daughter Sari is in active pursuit of hers. More to follow.

Friday Morning

2007-12-14T03:27:00.000-08:00

Doing six hours a week on the radio, in addition to my usual work with Mediation Training Group and A Friendly Divorce, means that there is little time for anything else. This insane pace will stop at the end of the month. My plan for Jan is to have less on-air time with a station that has a stronger signal - yes, its about working smarter, not harder. I will keep you posted. In the meantime, so-far this week my guests were Vivienne Steinhardt, LCSW, step-family expert - www.in-step-families.com, Dr Brad Swift, author of Life On Purpose: Six Passages To An Inspired Life www.lifeonpurpose.com, and Lorraine Powers, attorney and gay activist. Coming up I have Boca Raton Realtor extraordinaire Michele Bellisari www.michelebee.com and Karen Vogel of The Women's Congress www.thewomenscongress.com.

In my continuing efforts to spread the message regarding the possibilities for friendly divorce www.AFriendlyDivorce.com I spoke to two community groups this week. I am not sure if these talks are my marketing efforts or my soapbox but in either case, they are paying off. In addition to our work with divorcing couples we are finding that couples contemplating marriage are ready to work with us on creating Marriage Pacts. So, all is well. Stay safe.

I'm Still Here!

2007-12-09T14:54:00.000-08:00

As usual life is hectic. Part of the reason that life is so hectic is that I spend five hours a week on the radio. In addition to actual air time there is a lot of prep involved. So, if you have missed my show, here is my radio report.

On Sunday 11/25 Attorney Andy Wyman visited and gave us the low-down on insurance companies and how we can protect ourselves from their greed. The insurance situation - be it health insurance or property insurance - is not a pretty picture. If you have insurance issues visit Andy at www.wymanlawfirm.com.

On Monday 11/26 I was joined by Dr. Sharon Fried-Buchalter, a local clinical psychologist and author of "Children Are People Too: Unlocking the 8 Secrets to Family Happiness" and "New Parents Are People Too: 8 Secrets to Surviving Parenthood As Individuals And As a Couple." Dr. Sharon is an amazing parenting expert whose message is both down to earth and befitting of our 21st century lifestyles. Her books are a must read for parents. Actually, I was so impressed with Dr. Sharon that I invited her back a week later. And, on 12/3 we talked about motivation and individual quests for excellence. I must say that our time together was very inspiring and I am delighted that I can call Dr. Sharon a friend as well as a colleague. Sharon and I share a mission - to carry our messages of personal growth and healthy relationships - so stay tuned. In the meantime, you can find Sharon at www.peopletoounlimited.com

On Thursday 11/29, my guests were Janis Spindel, the international matchmaker and Nancy May of the Women's Global Business Alliance. Nancy spoke about women sitting on corporate boards. Hmm.... Every corporate board should have their own resident mediator. I think I see a place to start a trend.

On Friday 11/30, Tim Dimoff, a violence expert spoke about rage - work rage, airplane rage, road rage. His topic is timely - five days later, on Dec 5 - a young man "snapped" in Omaha, NE and killed eight people in a crowded shopping mall. Find out more about Tim at www.liferage.com. On a lighter note, on this same night, Michael Shimberg, author of "The Complete Single Father" shared wisdom and tips for single dads.

On Sunday 12/2, Amy Volkers, Astrologer, gave our audience some right-on readings. You can find Amy at www.avalonmoonquestes.com

On Thursday my radio buddy, Peter from Parkland, brought his own special version of insanity to the airwaves and we held a year end awards show naming the 13 most unlucky people of 2007. Interestingly, each of our Unlucky 13 was unlucky because of their own stupidity and/or greed. Our 13 losers were David Hasselhoff, Alec Baldwin, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Richards, Anna Nicole Smith, OJ, Brittany Spears, Senator Larry Craig, Michael Vick, Don Imus, locals Anthony Masilotti and Ken Jenne, and drum roll please, George Bush.

Friday 12/7 brought a pleasant surprise. My first scheduled guest failed to appear. But, my husband David was with me in the studio and we discussed our own version of the six aspects of divorce: the physical, legal, emotional, financial, social, and logistical. I really enjoyed being on with David and he enjoyed it too. I can only hope that the radio bug has bitten him too. To find out more about our divorce mediation and document preparation service - A Friendly Divorce - visit our website www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. Our second scheduled guest, Lisa J. Peck, author of "Silent Cries: A Woman's Journey To Freedom" brought her own story as well as helpful information about domestic violence to our listeners. To find out more about Lisa's work with domestic violence survivors visit her website - www.redemptivecommunity.com.

And, finally, today, Sunday 12/9, Susan and I discussed our own personal beef - the awful cleanliness procedures found at hotels and nail salons during our 10-11am show "What's Your Beef?" And, from 11 to noon my guest on the Mystic Holistic Hour was Boca Raton psychic Halley Elise - www.byregion.net/cgibin/users/profiles.pl?username=mysterieslady. Halley gave amazing readings to our listeners, one of which was my daughter, Sari. And, we agree that we want more from this fascinating woman.

As if all of this was not enough, in the last two weeks, since my last blog entry on 11/24, Susan and I held a 5-day family mediation training in Boca and a 5-day Circuit Civil mediation training in Orlando. And, I have maintained close contact with all of my divorcing clients. Its no wonder that I missed one meeting of my MastHerMind group and David's Toastmasters' holiday party.

Stay tuned.

Thanksgiving Weekend Update

2007-11-24T07:34:00.000-08:00

Our Thanksgiving this year was enjoyable but different - we had dinner with extended family. To some extent I missed our usual Thanksgiving rituals but I was also grateful for the chance to experience something new. (And, have someone else take responsibility for making it all come together.) For me, Thanksgiving is about celebrating all that I am grateful for. At this point in my life that includes everything from feeling good (last week I got the results of some blood work and I was delighted to see my good numbers) to the people in my inner circle. What are you most thankful for this year?

My activities this weekend include 5 broadcasts of my radio show. On Wed night my guests were Mark Townbridge, President and CEO of the Coral Gables Chamber of Commerce and Phil Reed, Consumer Advice Editor for www.Edmunds.com.

Mark www.coralgableschamber.org/chamber/message_president.asp and I talked about South Florida - our future as a hub for international business and the business challenges we face. Our current business climate seems to accept a lowered commitment to customer service. Tell me please, what happened to "the customer is always right?" Typically, I can accurately predict which businesses will soon be out of business simply by the service provided. Do you see it too?

Phil www.Edmunds.com gave us some excellent information and great tips for buying a car. As I am in the market for a new car I will follow Phil's suggestion and do my research first and then make my purchase through the Internet Salesperson at one of the local dealers.

Thanksgiving night my daughter Sari and I discussed Tips For Getting Along With Your Family Over The Holidays (see below) as well as the Top 10 Gifts NOT To Give To Your Wife or Girlfriend.

Friday night my husband David joined me on the air. Our guests were Joe Sindoni, author of "50 Reasons NOT to Have Kids - and what to do if you have them anyway" and Adryenn Ashley, author of "Every Single Girl's Guide to Her Future Husband's Last Divorce."

Joe - www.50reasons.com - gave me a whole new perspective on my grandchild obsession, which I now feel ready to let go of. Additionally, Joe further fostered our interest in finding a community of like minded people interested in sharing the journey as we grow old together.

Like me, Adryenn - www.everygirlsguides.com - is actively involved in figuring out ways to make our marriages work. Her idea of running a credit report on your future mate makes total sense. This is a great way to find out what you are really getting into before you get your credit histories intertwined.

Stay tuned for the two hour double header on Sunday. And, in the meantime, have a great weekend.

Grey divorce, Boys, ADHD, & Common Tables

2007-11-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

Last night I had two interesting guests on the radio. Judy Smith, coach and founder of The Center for Planned Change, focuses her practice on helping women over 50 create new lives after divorce. You can sign up for her newsletter and learn more about her philosophy and strategies for surviving this common but difficult life transition on her website http://judysmithdivorcecoach.com.

Additionally, my guest Dr Adam Cox provided his unique perspective on parenting, raising boys, and ADHD syndrome. Dr Cox is very passionate about how the ADHD label is being misused and abused. Again, his website http://www.dradamcox.com is loaded with relevant information and is a must read for any parent concerned about his/her son. After my talk with Dr. Cox I became more convinced then ever that the shared greed of the pharmaceutical and insurance companies is setting us up for a crisis. Together they are peddling easy/temporary fixes that will ultimately result in severe, long-term, negative consequences.

On a much more positive note I just joined a wonderful new organization called Common Tables - http://www.commontables.org Common Tables is an organization that uses small group dinners to promote respect and understanding between traditionally disconnected communities. I absolutely love their idea of bringing small groups of diverse people together over dinner. If anything can help us transcend our differences and create meaningful dialogue, its a good meal. Please remember, never underestimate your power to make a difference.

Tips For Getting Along With Your Family Over The Holidays

2007-11-18T17:52:00.000-08:00

Millions of families won't be together this Thanksgiving because of fights, feuds and old resentments. On Thursday night, after we have stuffed ourselves full of turkey and the related trimmings, my daughter Sari and I will host my radio show - live. We will be discussing family estrangements and how you can make sure that misunderstandings and unmet expectations don't destroy the bonds that connect you to the ones you love. Anyway, in case you miss the show, here are my tips for getting along with your relatives over the holidays.

1. Be a good guest. Respect your host’s property and possessions. Clean up after yourself and your kids. Don’t bring your pets unless they are specifically requested. Don’t expect your host to monitor your children. Visiting your relatives should not signal a vacation from being a parent. Instead, watch your kids and make sure that they also respect property and possessions.

2. If you are the host whose property and possessions are not respected, ask for what you need. Its almost impossible to be both babysitter and chief cook and bottle washer at the same time. But, unless you ask for help and then allow others to provide it, the burden will fall on you and your resentment will grow. If you ask for help and it's not forthcoming let your guests know that this year the holidays were too much for you and next year you will be coming to them instead.

3. Avoid excessive drinking. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and can leave your family open to a fiasco. When the others hit the bottle a little too hard that should be your signal to go home or go catch a movie.

4. If you really don’t want to go – don’t. However, do not wait until the last minute to cancel. Give your relatives time to make alternative plans.

5. Discuss the gift situation in advance and make plans so that everyone understands your position. Simplify gift giving by using cash or gift cards. Some families do only the kids, others pick one name from a hat, or maybe you will all buy your own gifts and do show and tell.

6. Under most family conflicts someone feels dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or disenfranchised. Make sure that you include everyone in the planning, preparation, and festivities. Try to be equal in your gift giving to avoid slighting anyone. If for some reason this is not appropriate or possible, do your giving at a time when you and the receiver will have complete privacy.

7. If you are carrying around a resentment from the past address it - in private - with the other person. Follow my 10-Step Plan for Ending Feuds and Building Connections - http://www.transformations.ws/themediationproject/learnmore/4.html

8. Assign a family mediator and even if s/he is a natural get him/her some additional training.

9. Lower your expectations - for everything - from expecting feelings of happiness and joy to cooking the perfect meal. Do not expect others to get it perfectly right either. Don't take it personally if someone fails to send you a card or gift this year.

10. Email me if you need immediate assistance - elinorobin@aol.com.

Apologies

2007-11-17T03:26:00.000-08:00

The end of the year is near. This is a good time to do some housecleaning and move into the new year without some of our current burdens. The 12-Steps teach us to make a list of all persons we have harmed and make direct amends wherever possible. Sort of like Earl in "My Name is Earl" - one of the best shows on TV. Here are my thoughts on apologies.

A good apology can be very powerful and go a long way towards repairing a relationship. Even if you don't want reconciliation, an apology can bring closure and internal peace.
Doctors who apologize to their patients for medical mistakes don't get sued nearly as much as the ones who take a more arrogant attitude.
People in the wrong are often afraid to apologize; either because they believe that an apology will make them legally liable or open them up to blame and shame.
Many of the cases that I mediate - especially consumer and workplace cases - could easily be settled by someone making a decent/sincere apology. The problem is - usually - both people think that they have been wronged. It's often difficult to make an apology if you think that the apology should be made to you. Avoid this trap and base your actions on the big picture.
People on the receiving end of the apology are usually so grateful for the apology that almost anything works. You may simply apologize for the distress that the situation has caused both of you and your portion in creating it. Or, if its more appropriate you may want to say "I made a mistake and I am sorry. Hopefully, I will never do it again."
Let the receiver know that it is not your intention to re-hash the situation - just apologize. However, if you get a third person involved - someone to act as the mediator - you may be able to re-define the issues involved and see the initial conflict in a different light.

An apology can be magical, cleansing, and healing. For you, what apologies are in order? If you need help with an apology, please let me know.

Best, Elinor

New Rules for Circuit Civil Mediator Certification

2007-11-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

Big news in the Florida Mediation World. Yesterday, the Florida Supreme Court finally approved the new point system for Circuit Civil Mediator Certification. (We have been waiting for this news for about two and a half years.) It is no longer necessary to be a member of the Florida Bar to obtain Circuit Civil certification. This means that professionals from a wide variety of backgrounds and fields of knowledge can now earn this valuable credential. You can read the administrative order here - http://www.floridasupremecourt.org/decisions/2007/sc05-998.pdf

Later, Elinor

Sage Advice

2007-11-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

In the last few days the signs have been everywhere. And, they are all pointing to this blog. All of the sage advice is saying - YOUR MUST HAVE A BLOG. So, here I am. Welcome to my blog.

My name is Dr. Elinor Robin. I am a mediator, mediation trainer and emerging media personality. (Susan Dubow, who will hereafter - in this blog - be known as Susan, my best friend and training partner at www.MediationTrainingGroup.com, calls me a media whore. But Emerging Media Personality is much more accurate - don't you think?

Anyway, in addition to training others to mediate, I mediate workplace disputes (mostly for the US Postal Service and the EEOC) AND I mediate divorces and related matters with my husband and partner David Spofford. We call our mediation practice A Friendly Divorce - www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. No, its not an oxy-moron. Our co-mediation model is unique in that we bring both a male-female balance and an uncommon mix of legal and psychological expertise to the mediation table. Additionally, we take our clients one more step, preparing all of their necessary court documents so our one-stop-shop (OK, all inclusive service) allows them to then go in front of the court for an uncontested divorce.

My media activities currently revolve around my radio shows which are heard on WWNN Radio -1470AM (www.wwnnradio.com - click on Listen Live) in South Florida. I am on Monday and Thursday nights from 8 to 9pm with The Dr Elinor Robin Show. Then on Sunday mornings from 10-11am I do a show called "What's Your Beef?" with Susan. This show gives us and the listeners a chance to vent, rant, and rave about whats wrong with the world. Then from 11-noon I host the MysticHolistic Hour. Thanks to my Executive Producer Rick Seid we have a steady stream of mystics and holistics (everything from Tarot Card readers to Chiropractors) who come to the studio with their individual methods for knowing and healing.

Radio is not my only media outlet. I also write some on-line and in print columns which focus on different aspects of personal and professional growth, relationships and conflicts. You can find me anywhere from www.WomenEntrepreneur.com (part of Entrepreneur Magazine) to The Solution News - www.thesolutionnews.com - a local newspaper serving the recovery community.

As time goes on I promise I will divulge much more. So stay tuned.

Best, Elinor