Family estrangement is a silent scourge. Estrangements between parents and adult children, or between adult siblings, are common. Some estrangements are multi-generational, involving grandparents who have a double heartbreak, losing both a child and a grandchild. And, in a society that promotes family-first the shame of estrangement amplifies the sense of loss.
A recent British study defined family estrangement as "the breakdown of a supportive relationship between family members." So estrangement, be it temporary or permanent, means those who are supposed to support you, don't. The end result is often an emotional wounds that ooze feelings of hurt, anger, abandonment, envy, and aloneness.
As a family mediator the topic of family estrangement has been an area of special interest for many years. Here are my five key points on the topic:
- When the estrangement is between a parent and an adult child the parent must take responsibility and be willing to apologize for perceived or real hurts.
- When a family member chooses estrangement they are giving a loud message that something is not right. This is their way of communicating that they feel dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or devalued.
- A cooling-off period is often critical before any dialogue can begin.
- Even if the person on the other side wont talk you can still keep the lines of communication open by sending periodic messages of support. Keep the message simple - "I will always love you and I will be there whenever you are ready."
- Apologies have magical and cleansing properties. Think the apology through before you start or you may end in the wrong place.
