I was recently asked some thought provoking questions about Pre-Marital Education and Pre-Marriage Contracts - which I call Marriage Pacts. Here are my answers.
1. Should premarital education be mandatory? (Something similar to the children of divorce workshop that divorcing parents must attend.)
Even though the hormones might prevent the participants from hearing anything said, yes. We may not be able to get people to listen but at least the seed would be planted. And, they would know where to go to look for information when they needed it later on.
And, the mechanism already exists. There is something called Prepare/Enrich. Its an "survey" and training program that can actually predict marital success and pinpoints areas of potential trouble. Some religious denominations require copules to undergo the Prepare/Enrich process before they can get married in their church.
2. Should marriage become a transaction that requires signing a detailed contract to enter, just as we do when applying for and receiving a mortgage to buy a home, a business loan, etc.?
Yes. In order to get a marriage license you should need a signed contract. And, there should be a mandatory "addendum" that needs to be signed before people are allowed to take their child home. (Just like the car-seat requirement.) This would get people to legally commit while the bonding (to the child) hormones are high and the children would win. (However, ultimately, no one should have a child - man or woman - unless s/he is prepared to raise that child him/herself.)
3. Would such a requirement induce more thought of behalf of those desiring to get married? Would marriage be taken more seriously by many, be seen for what it is and should be, even if the idea is a romance buzzkill? Would it prove, in the long run, more helpful to people? Or is this whole idea foolishness?
It's a great idea. If you cannot sit down with your beloved and hold a difficult conversation (while you are in the window of hormone induced connection) about where you are, where you want to go, and how you plan on getting there then you will not be able to hold a difficult conversation later, once the hormone rush is gone and the dulldrum of daily life has set in.
4. Should there be mandatory on-going educational or counseling requirements within marriages, sort of like a continuing ed for professionals?
No. However, as part of the Marriage Pact couples should agree to a yearly review and tune-up. Most of the couples I see went into auto pilot, got busy with the tasks of life, and ignored their bond. They didn't notice this until the bond had deteriorated.
Right now the move is away from marriage. The rate of babies being born to unmarried parents is very high and growing. So, couples know marriage doesn't work. They just don't know what else to do.
Showing posts with label marriage pact. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage pact. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thoughts On Gay Marriage, Gay Divorce, Straight Marriage, Straight Divorce
Gay Marriage, gay divorce. Straight marriage, straight divorce. Read my random thoughts at http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/thoughts-on-gay-marriage-gay-divorce-straight-marriage-straight-divorce/
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Pre-nup Question
Recently, I saw this question posted in a marriage info chat room.
I am a 45 year old professional man who recently became engaged to a lovely 35 year old woman. This is a second marriage for both of us. I mentioned that I believed a pre-nuptual agreement would be a good idea. (Our individual assets are about equal.) She went nuts and accused me of not trusting her. She says this lack of trust is setting us up for a self fulfilling prophecy that the relationship will eventually end in divorce. Isn't a pre-nup in both of our best interests? What am I missing? Signed, Confused
Dear Confused,
Creating a pre-nup is an exercise in exploration. If a couple is unable to create a pre-nup and deal with all of the un-pleasantries that the process presents I dont know how they will be able to deal with the un-pleasantries that life inevitably presents.
A well thought out pre-nup should address much more then how the marriage will end. A pre-nup should address how the marriage will operate. And, that is the discussion that should come first. Creating a thorough pre-nup that addresses how the marriage will operate will make divorce much LESS likely. (The creation process will help you fend off unmet expectations - one of the key marriage destroyers.) Yes, every good plan has an exit strategy. And, a pre-nup should have an exit strategy but that's just a part of it. Finally, creating a pre-nup should be a joint effort. The WORST thing you can do is go to a lawyer, have him/her prepare a pre-nup and then present it to your beloved. That is a sure fire way to create mis-trust. In my upcoming book - The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right - I present guidelines for preparing a Marriage Pact. Talk to your fiancee about preparing a Marriage Pact - an idea that should be a lot easier for her to grasp.
Your reactions to this hot button issue should be giving you both a lot of information as to what your marriage is going to feel like. And, how you work through this issue will give me a lot of information as to what your marriage will look like.
Happy trails, Elinor
I am a 45 year old professional man who recently became engaged to a lovely 35 year old woman. This is a second marriage for both of us. I mentioned that I believed a pre-nuptual agreement would be a good idea. (Our individual assets are about equal.) She went nuts and accused me of not trusting her. She says this lack of trust is setting us up for a self fulfilling prophecy that the relationship will eventually end in divorce. Isn't a pre-nup in both of our best interests? What am I missing? Signed, Confused
Dear Confused,
Creating a pre-nup is an exercise in exploration. If a couple is unable to create a pre-nup and deal with all of the un-pleasantries that the process presents I dont know how they will be able to deal with the un-pleasantries that life inevitably presents.
A well thought out pre-nup should address much more then how the marriage will end. A pre-nup should address how the marriage will operate. And, that is the discussion that should come first. Creating a thorough pre-nup that addresses how the marriage will operate will make divorce much LESS likely. (The creation process will help you fend off unmet expectations - one of the key marriage destroyers.) Yes, every good plan has an exit strategy. And, a pre-nup should have an exit strategy but that's just a part of it. Finally, creating a pre-nup should be a joint effort. The WORST thing you can do is go to a lawyer, have him/her prepare a pre-nup and then present it to your beloved. That is a sure fire way to create mis-trust. In my upcoming book - The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right - I present guidelines for preparing a Marriage Pact. Talk to your fiancee about preparing a Marriage Pact - an idea that should be a lot easier for her to grasp.
Your reactions to this hot button issue should be giving you both a lot of information as to what your marriage is going to feel like. And, how you work through this issue will give me a lot of information as to what your marriage will look like.
Happy trails, Elinor
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