Estranged Families

The topic of family estrangement has been an area of special interest for me for many years. Here are my seven key points on the topic:

1. When the estrangement is between a parent and an adult child the parent must take responsibility and be willing to apologize for perceived or real hurts.

2. When a family member chooses estrangement they are giving a loud message that something is not right. This is their way of communicating that they feel dismissed, discounted, or disrespected.

3. A cooling-off period is often critical before any dialogue can begin.

4. Even if the person on the other side wont talk you can still keep the lines of communication open by sending periodic messages of support. Keep the message simple - "I will always love you and I will be there whenever you are ready."

5. Apologies have magical and cleansing properties. Think the apology through before you start or you may end in the wrong place. http://elinorrobin.com/apologies-magical-cleansing-healing-and-the-time-is-now/

6.  Sometimes its too late.  When the bonds are weakened sometimes there is nothing to do.    

7. Follow my 10-step plan for ending feuds and rebuilding connections. http://ezinearticles.com/?The-10-Step-Plan-For-Ending-Feuds-and-Fights-and-Re-Building-Connection&id=3468153

I have written a lot on the subject of family estrangement. Please take a look at my website - www.ElinorRobin.com and this article http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Tips-For-Getting-Along-With-Your-Family-This-Holiday-Season&id=3363801

Year End Review

The end of the year is a perfect time for evaluation and fine-tuning your direction and purpose. Writing your answers to the following questions will help you in this task.

1. Look back on 2012, what obstacles have you overcome this year? What have you accomplished?

2. Your life is like a play. Some actors play a leading role and share the stage with you for long periods of time. Others go more quickly. When we start relationships we often cannot see how long someone will be there for. Sometimes we are the ones who decide who will stay on stage and who will go. Sometimes we have no control over the script. This year some of your key relationships may have completed their lines and moved on. Who has come and gone this year? Do you feel complete with these endings? What, if anything, do you need to do to fill the space that the departed actors left on your stage?   

3.  Make a list of the 5 most significant relationships in your life. Briefly describe each relationships' current status and where you would like to see this connection go in 2013.

4. What did you learn this year? How are you different today than you were on Jan 1, 2012?

5. What, if anything, is missing from your life?

6. How do you want the answers to these questions to be different on Dec 31, 2013? What are the steps you will take to make this happen?

10-Minute Mediation: How To Manage Life's Fights and Feuds Before They Sabotage Your Sanity

My book, "10-Minute Mediation: How To Manage Life's Fights and Feuds Before They Sabotage Your Sanity" is still looking for a publisher.  In the meantime, please "like" the Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/The10MinuteMediator.  As news stories of conflicts gone wild continue to surface I am more convinced than ever before that this is a book whose time has come.  In my mind, many recent tragedies could have been avoided if someone nearby had just a little mediation training.  I will keep you posted.
 

Marital Mediation

Have you ever heard of Marital Mediation? 

Marital Mediation is a process that uses mediation techniques to open and improve a couple's communications so that they can address areas of conflict and create a plan that outlines what each of them will do (and not do) in the future. 

How the process of Marital Mediation is used will vary, depending on the mediator's skill set and philosophy.   Typically, however, the process is:

*  short term
*  held in a multi-session format (I like a couple to commit to three 90-minute sessions with the potential of future follow-up)
*  focused on problem solving, and
*  concludes with the signing of a written agreement.  (However, the process itself and the creating of the agreement is usually more valuable and important than the actual agreement.)

Recently, one of my Mediation Trainees posed this question to me:

I am working with a couple in Marital Mediation.  The wife wants to include an "infidelity clause," that would involve a lump sum penalty payment in the event that either of them is unfaithful, in their agreement.  Have you ever seen such a clause?  Do you see any problem with including such a clause in their agreement? 

My Answer:

I have never used this clause.  My concern is that it might push an affair further under the rug, where it will do even more damage.  Since an affair is the symptom, not the problem, the idea of punishing the "guilty" spouse might not serve them well.  In my mind there is a big difference between (a) an exit affair (a term coined by Emily Brown to describe an affair that is used by a conflict avoider as a means of escape) that results in the end of a marriage and (b) an affair which is a symptom of a bigger problem that may be repairable while the couple is still emotionally engaged. 

In this case, the wife's request to use a punishment says to me that there is an old wound there that she might want to look at if this marriage is going to work out.  However, that exploration is an issue better suited for therapy than Marital Mediation.

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Divorce, TMZ

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in the news.  Divorce is difficult enough. Do they make it more difficult than it has to be?  Read my advice to them at http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/273/

Employee Loyalty: 13 Tips For Getting It AND Keeping It

As a corporate manager or a small business owner, the people who work for you will make you or break you.  If your employees feel a sense of loyalty, they will reward you.  Loyal employees promote customer satisfaction.  And, satisfied/loyal customers (also known as repeat business) are less concerned about price and more likely to bring referrals for new business.  Loyal employees, who tend to stay put, can help keep recruiting and training (of new hires) costs to a minimum.  However, don't confuse longevity with loyalty.  Just because someone is there long-term doesn't mean that she is loyal.

Loyalty grows out of a feeling of connection and a commitment to produce.  The following 13 actions are what you need to do to promote employee loyalty.

1. Set a good example.  Show your employees that you take work seriously.  If you are out shopping or busy making plans for the weekend, your employees will follow suit.

2. Create clear boundaries.  Your employees can have many friends, but only one employer.  Yes, you want to be friendly but not at the cost of establishing your unique role and position.  Most employees will be delighted to have a boss that can be depended upon to make difficult decisions, call the shots, and resolve awkward or burdensome problems - tasks they would never present to a friend or co-worker.

3. Outline each employee's sphere of influence.  Each staff member should be clear about where his/her own domain starts and stops.  This kind of definition fosters a sense of pride while preventing boundary overstepping and turf wars between employees.

4. Show your employees that you are loyal to them.  Never belittle or criticize an employee in public.  Avoid threats or any action that might give an employee a reason to question your commitment to him/her.  Instead carefully present your criticisms and see "mistakes" as opportunities for learning.

5. Give your employees something to be proud of.  Strive to make your organization the best it can be.  Whether you are the CEO of a large corporation, a supervisor in a governmental organization, or running a Mom-and-Pop shop, you want your product and service to shine so that everyone involved has a sense of pride and accomplishment.

6. Do good deeds.  Have an outreach plan that gives both you and your employees a chance to interact with, and give back to, the larger community in a positive way.

7. Reward your employees.  Money cannot buy loyalty but money does serve as a metaphor so tell your employees how much you value them.  Fair wages, appropriate raises, and an occasional unexpected treat can go a long way in building loyal employees.

8. Cultivate peak performance.  Provide your employees with training and development opportunities so that they can learn and grow.  And, as they develop, challenge them to set and meet high expectations.

9. Foster a team mentality.  Encourage your employees to communicate their ideas and allow them to influence company practices and policies.  Likewise, share your own vision for the future and your thoughts as to how you will all get there together.

10. Recognize and respond.  Everyone appreciates positive feedback.  And, once it becomes clear that you are willing and able to provide it, most employees will go the extra mile in order to get it.

11. Build solid relationships.  Find common ground, share life experiences, prove your trustworthiness, and be patient as strong relationships blossom over time.

12. The Platinum Rule.  There is no blueprint for fostering employee loyalty.  As you go about your business, remember that each employee must be seen as an individual - what works in some cases will bring disaster in another.  Forget the golden rule.  DO NOT treat your employees, as you want to be treated.  Instead, find out what each of them needs and wants and proceed with that in mind.

13. Be yourself.  Find your own management style.  Somewhere between "surrogate mother," who is more caretaker than boss and the Leona Helmsley stereotype, who responds to employees with contempt and ridicule, each of us can find our own happy medium.

A Mediator's Round Table

The practice of mediation often feels like a lonely endeavor. We work without the benefit of peers or mentors. Many mediators have no cohorts for case review or brainstorming. No old timer is waiting in the wings to teach us the ropes or let us in on time-tested trade secrets.  Often we are left to reinvent the wheel when it comes to best practices and marketing techniques. And, until now, there has been no way for mediators to reduce costs by engaging in cooperative marketing.

I am interested in finding ways for us to gather and engage in on-going conversation with trusted colleagues.  Many of us would appreciate being a part of a collaborative forum for promoting ourselves, our practices, and the mediation process.  How can we create partnerships that invite us to share talents, in-sights, and concerns?  How can we work collectively to increase our profits and improve our skills?  How can we join forces and increase our viability, visibility, and revenues?  How can we can finally bring mediation into the mainstream?