Pastor Bob: No One Should Have Expected Otherwise

Earlier this month, Pastor Bob Coy, the charismatic leader of Fort Lauderdale’s Calvary Chapel, abruptly “resigned” over what the church is calling a “moral failing.”  Pastor Bob started the church in 1985 and grew it into one of the biggest, richest, and fastest-growing mega-churches in the U.S.  (According to Reuters the church has about 20,000 members and more than $135 million in assets.)

While the whole story has yet to come to light, it now appears that Bob’s "moral failing" was connected to adultery and pornography.  According to the faith blog, Phoenix Preacher, Coy "admitted to at least two affairs in the past year alone and has had a longstanding problem with pornography."  Oh well.  Certainly, this is not a new story.  Bob is just one in a long line of preachers who have fallen from grace. 

Eventually, Bob may make a come-back.  And, that will be interesting to watch.  But, for now, he’s proven three of my universal laws. 

1.  Your greatest strength is your greatest weakness.  As I see it, strengths and weaknesses are two sides of the same coin.  Most traits can present as either an asset or a liability, depending on the situation and the observer.  (For example, if you are wise and intuitive, you might also come across as a know-it-all.  If you are gentle and kind you may also be seen as weak.)  Bob was driven by the fire of emotion, passion, and power.  As long as he had it contained and directed he was able to accomplish amazing entrepreneurial and spiritual feats.  However, left unchecked, his emotion, passion, and power did him in. 

2.  You are who you are.  Nobody changes.  An oak tree is an oak tree; you cannot turn it into a palm tree.  Yes, the oak tree grows and matures.  And, in winter its leaves fall off and die; in spring it blossoms with rebirth.  But, it’s still an oak tree.  Bob was a wild man.  He came to Florida from Las Vegas where he used cocaine and managed a strip joint.  We should not be surprised that he went back to his roots.  If you want to be different you need to pay constant, conscious attention to what and who you want to be.

3.  Everyone needs someone to talk to.  I know nothing about Bob’s marriage but I know that marriages get stale.  After 20 years of marriage, few of us view our partners through eyes of newness and wonder.  And working overtime to keep up with a high powered life is exhausting.  Bob’s 20,000 congregants could bask in his glow but his wife had to see things differently.  After all, she knew he farted.  However, Bob’s alpha-male ego must have needed a lot of stroking.  And my guess is there was no place he could go to take off his Pastor Bob mask and be nurtured.

I have been a professional mediator for almost 25 years.  During that time I have developed what I call mediator mind, a way of looking at things that includes understanding, and sometimes justifying, even the most outrageous acts.  So, I think I get poor Bob.  He made a big mess.  But, no one should have expected otherwise because his greatest strength is his greatest weakness, he is who he is, and he needed someone to talk to.

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Divorce, TMZ

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in the news.  Divorce is difficult enough. Do they make it more difficult than it has to be?  Read my advice to them at http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/273/

Thirty Five Years of Mediation: Why Haven't We Come Farther?

With Co-author/Guest blogger Professor Susan F. Dubow

The history:

Using mediation to resolve disputes can be traced, across a variety of cultures, to biblical and ancient times. In this country, the founding fathers recognized the process but mediation did not have a valid place in American policy until 1946 when the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service (FMCS) was formed to resolve labor disputes. During the 1960s the seeds for paradigm shifts and social change were planted and cultivated. The civil rights, feminist, environmental, and peace movements were born. There was dissatisfaction with governmental and other institutions and the courts were backlogged. A push for a better way to resolve disputes ensued.

In 1976 Chief Justice Warren Burger held a conference and ceremony to commemorate the 70th anniversary of legal scholar Roscoe Pound’s presentation The Causes of Popular Dissatisfaction with the Administration of Justice to the American Bar Association. Pound’s paper of 1906 changed the direction of the American courts. At the Pound Conference of 1976 legal scholars met to brainstorm possible improvements to the American legal system. The potential of the mediation process was acknowledged and Chief Justice Berger “blessed” the start of the ADR movement. That was 35 years ago. Today, the average person and the average legislator still don't really understand or appreciate the concept or how mediation can be best utilized.

Together, Susan and I have spent more than a half century in the mediation industry and during the last eleven years we’ve trained more than 10,000 professionals in the mediation process. We believe tremendous brain power and effort has been devoted to the process and profession. But, ultimately when we compare mediation to other things that have been around since the mid-1970s we are disappointed. We ask ourselves “what went wrong?” “Why haven't we come further?” “Why hasn’t mediation made it into the “cultural mind?” We spend a lot of time asking ourselves and other mediators these questions.

As we see it, there are nine things wrong with the mediation picture.

1. When the human animal (like other animals) feels threatened the initial response is fight, flight or freeze. People in conflict want blood, vengeance, and validation. Asking someone in conflict to collaborate is contrary to biology. Mediators have not found a way around the physiology.

2. Most mediators are not able to create and maintain an environment safe enough for true collaboration. Mediation horror stories abound. People often emerge from the process feeling railroaded and coerced.

3. Even after thirty five years there is still reluctance on the part of the legal industry to accept the mediation process as a stand-alone method of dispute resolution. Instead mediation is often viewed as a component of the litigation process. (Is mediation still perceived as McJustice or is there a fear that mediation will cut into the finances and power the status quo affords?)

4. Advocacy is much sexier than peacemaking. Remember, super-heros don’t sit down and work-it-out with the bad guys.

5. There is no American Mediation Association. Without a national organization no one is there to give us a unified voice, protect our legislative interests, or promote good mediation PR.

6. Mediators work in a wide range of niche markets, facing different issues and interests. (For instance, mediators in the financial services arena operate in a different world and with a different world view than those who provide Victim-Offender Mediation.)

7. Baseball, Middle-East, and other highly visible mediation processes often bring no resolution.

8. The results of the mediation process are typically narrow. Until we can broaden the effect and actually provide transformation the participants and the public have nothing to talk about. And, without that buzz we are going nowhere.

9. While many mediators are persuasive magicians, capable of amazingly altering perceptions, ultimately we mediators suffer from a unique form of low self-esteem. Many of us refuse to even embrace the title “Mediator.” Instead we identify ourselves and each other as Attorney-Mediator, Therapist-Mediator, Non-Lawyer Mediator, etc. Do we see ourselves as bit players along the Conflict Management Continuum? Is it conflict phobia that fuels the burning desire to eradicate conflict? Or is there another reason that so many of us are willing to work as volunteers, more invested in the outcome than the clients we serve?

Just consider this:

A Westernized form of Hindu meditative techniques arrived in the United States and Europe in the 1960s. A 2007 study by the U.S. government found that nearly 9.4% of U.S. adults (over 20 million) had practiced meditation within the past 12 months, up from 7.6% (more than 15 million people) in 2002. Why has meditation done so much better at going mainstream than mediation?

Steve Jobs founded Apple Computers in 1976. If he had been at the Pound Conference instead of in his garage working on his computer where do you think the mediation process would be today? Who among us has the Jobs-like vision that will be necessary to take us to the next level?

Clearly, current shifts in almost every aspect of our society – economic, familial, political, and environmental – point to the need for a new problem-solving mechanism and mediation just might be an idea whose time has come. So stay tuned. Our next article will focus on what each of us can do so that we are not having the same discussion ten, twenty, or thirty years from now?

Susan F. Dubow, a pioneer in the field of Alternative Dispute Resolution, served as the Director of the Court Mediation and Arbitration Program, the ADR Division of the 17th Judicial Circuit, Broward County, for over 22 years. She is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator and Primary Mediation Trainer and a member of the Florida Supreme Court's Mediator Ethics Advisory Committee. Susan is an Adjunct Professor at Nova Southeastern University's Shepard Broad Law Center, President and CEO of Mediation Training Group, and a Past-president of both The Association of South Florida Mediators and Arbitrators (ASFMA) and The Florida Academy of Professional Mediators (FAPM.)

How I got here. Where I'm going. And more stories.

Twenty-two years ago, in 1989, I received a gift that changed my life. I was allowed to participate in a mediation training program that was offered by Leslie Ratliff, who was then the Director of Palm Beach County's Court Mediation Program. (Thank you Leslie.) At the time, I was in my mid 30s, a single parent who had recently returned to college to get a degree and figure out what my next (career) step should be. Except for me, all of the trainees were already doing some mediation as volunteers in the Palm Beach County small claims court program. All of the other 29 trainees were at least twenty years older then I was. Twenty eight of them were men - old white guys I like to call them - retired lawyers and businessmen - who needed something to do besides play golf. One was a woman - I'll call her Elaine. (She asked that I not include her real name here.)

Elaine has children who are about as old as I am and so we've always been at different phases of life. But, we live in the same city, share a strong commitment to the process and practice of mediation, and our paths have crossed many times. Clearly, we are members of each others professional circles. Elaine is old enough to be my mother but you would never know that by looking at her. And, I am not just talking about her physical features. She is the epitome of well-grooming; possessing the energy and style of a much younger woman.

Recently I sent out one of my "quarterly" newsletters. In the Random Thoughts section I wrote:

The reality of aging. Sadly, a Betty White old age may not be an option for most of us. What can we do now to better prepare for the future?

Here is what Elaine wrote me in response:

In a message dated 6/10/2011 3:41:39 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, NotReallyElaine@gmail.com writes:

Dear Elinor

Up until now I have not had any reason to respond to your informative Emails, but you hit me right where I should be, AGING. Believe it or not I am joining the Octogenarian membership and as you know, as active as I have been, I am truly in the Betty White category.

For your members and info, nothing gets you there except you. Doing what you can to help become you is totally up to the YOU.

For the past 20 plus years, I never cared how old I was or going to be. I just did what was necessary to be a successful part of society and added to my life work, in my case mediation, new and more educational programs. When one finds reasons to do whatever it takes to help others, truly their life has much more meaning. I feel I am rambling on but that comes with age and aging.

Until now, whenever someone questioned my age, I never let it out, I hear OH you look wonderful etc. But my purpose in writing this is to tell you, my friend how good I feel about what I have done and continue doing not how I look. Life has much to offer those who take advantage of it and I am there.

Keep in touch as I know you will.

Luv Elaine

Here is my response to her:

Yes, you are in the Betty White category. Well, you look better than she does. But, you have her energy and spirit. For the rest of us, a Betty White future is probably not in the cards. Look around at your friends. How many other women in your age range look/act like you? None. While your girlfriends were otherwise preoccupied (shopping?) you were the only woman in the old white guys mediator fraternity. So in more ways then one you are the exception to the rule.

Should we (the generation after yours) make believe we will all be 80 and running around like you? I dont know if this denial is a good thing. Would it be better, instead, to stop making believe, start planning, and face the fact that we will be decrepit for an extended period? Well, until I figure this out I am going to do what you said, shut-up and keep working.

Happy Trails, Love, Elinor

Email Communique

Greetings!

Sometimes it seems to me that the world is changing so fast it's impossible to keep up with the pace. Ten years ago there was no social media. Today, technology allows each of us to create a global network. But, for those of us who are immigrants in the digital world, it's often a stretch to stay current. The following was my most recent attempt at staying connected with the 5000 people - most of them former mediation students - that are on my email list.

The Evolution of Divorce

I believe the family law arena is ripe for a revolution. Ten years from now lawyer-driven divorces will be the exception not the rule. Financial shifts and technological advances have sped up the evolutionary process. There is a need for professionals who are able to usher couples through the divorce process using a more humane approach. So, in addition to my work with Susan and Mediation Training Group, I have put together a new training program for professionals who want to launch their practices into the ProSe/PreSuit market and serve couples who want to divorce without retaining attorneys.

Friendly Divorce Mediation Training

If you (or someone you know) is ready to take your career in a different direction and interested in offering a unique service to families in transition then visit Friendly Divorce Training We are offering 16-hour training programs in

Boca Raton on July 8-10, 2011
Las Vegas on Sept 2-4, 2011 and,
Atlanta on Dec 2-4, 2011

This is a rare opportunity for professionals who want to launch ProSe/PreSuit divorce mediation practices. David and I will share everything we have learned about this emerging market and give you the foundation you need to build your own business. The program is approved for 15.50 hours of CLER by the Florida Bar and will also provide 16 hours of CME for Mediators.

Random Thoughts

I am interested in any feedback you have on this blog. And, I am especially curious about your thoughts on these three topics:

The reality of aging. Sadly, a Betty White old age may not be an option for most of us. What can we do now to better prepare for the future?

The state of the union. During one of my recent rants, a friend of mine - a historian - commented that "the more things change, the more they stay the same - after all, the early settlers were a mix of gluttonous pillagers and exploited religious extremists." What can each of us do today to be part of the force that moves the country in a better direction?

The immigration debate. No matter what your opinion on the immigration debate I think we can all agree that we need some form of immigration reform. I believe that the mediation process just might be a key component to finding a plan that works for all of us. What do you think?

Have You Launched Your Divorce/Family Mediation Practice?

Dear Family Mediator,

Have you successfully launched your divorce/family mediation practice?

Are you satisfied with your divorce/family mediation practice?

Newly trained mediators often report that they face obstacles in their efforts to launch their divorce/family mediation practices. It seems that whether the goal is to build a practice for couples that are represented by attorneys or for those that are pro-se, the road to private practice is often bumpy. Obstacles can include:

• a lack of confidence regarding the novice mediator’s ability to effectively facilitate the session,
• a lack of confidence regarding the mediator’s knowledge of the legalities involved in divorce, including calculating child support and writing the marital settlement agreement,
• market saturation,
• a failure to create an inclusive marketing plan, and
• the lack of a professional mentor and/or a support system.

If these or any other obstacle has kept you from achieving your goal of launching a divorce/family mediation practice, please don't give up. I have long believed that the 40-hour training model that we use in Florida is only a first step for embarking upon a new career as a professional divorce/family mediator. If you are already certified but you still feel unprepared to go to the next level, I have a solution for you. If you have tried to get your practice going with less then satisfactory results, I have a solution for you.  You are invited to join "Launch Your Practice: A Professional Group For Divorce/Family Mediators."  The group will meet over a six month period. During this time we will explore topics related to mediation techniques and strategies as well as to the marketing of a mediation practice. Our time together will include three day-long meetings (August 2009, October 2009, and January 2010), bi-monthly phone conversations and an in-depth email dialogue. Enrollment is limited and participants will be selected so that there will be no direct geographic market competitors. Please call or email me if you want to learn more.

All the best,

Elinor

Elinor Robin, PhD
Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator and Mediation Trainer
Boca Raton, FL
954-415-5645 CELL
elinorobin@aol.com

What is Mediation?

Behind almost every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. There are five basic strategies that we humans use in response to conflict and the emotions it triggers. The strategies are to avoid, accommodate, combat, compromise, or collaborate. Only compromising and collaborating provide both a benefit to the relationship and a focus on attaining an individual goal. However, when we are emotionally triggered it is often difficult to compromise or collaborate and instead we go into fight, flight or freeze mode and we avoid, accommodate, or combat. One of the mediator's jobs is to take parties in conflict away from avoid, accommodate, or combat and bring them to compromise and/or collaborate. The process is often not pretty. In fact, it can be downright ugly. However, an effective mediator will know how to lead the parties through the muck by setting the stage, gathering information, defining the issues, developing an agenda, facilitating the discussion, and generating movement using a variety of investigative and persuasive techniques that are geared towards opening the parties minds and hearts and removing their blinders.

As you know I am on a mission to change the way we look at conflict and divorce. Here is my most recent contribution to the cause - http://www.lawcrossing.com/article/index.php?id=4755

Divorce Vultures

A former student emailed me asking about her friend's marathon mediation - it lasted from 10am until 1am.  Read what I had to say at http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/divorce-vultures/. 

Still Crazy After All This Time

Holy Cow!! Its seven months since I last posted to this blog. Its not like I have posted elsewhere, I am just very, very busy. Lots going on - all of the time.

Shortly after my last post I moved my radio show to WBZT. Actually, there were two shows - a morning show that I did with two colleagues and an evening show, sponsored by a local treatment center, which focused on addiction and recovery. This went on for six months. But, for a variety of logistical reasons I decided to go back to WWNN and on June 20 my newest (and I think best) show - Robin and Dubow On The Radio - debuted. Dubow is of course my friend and colleague (my co-trainer at Mediation Training Group) Mediator Susan Dubow. Susan is a political pundit and my focus is (as always) relationship dynamics. So, we talk about conflict and everything from the presidential race to celebrity divorce. We would love to get more callers - especially those seeking advice - and to encourage that we have secured some great rewards. (Fantastic restaurant and personal service gift certificates.) So listen on Thursday evenings from 6-7pm - www.wwnnradio.com or 1470am if you are in South Florida - and call in.

David and I remain busy with A Friendly Divorce. And, we are constantly learning more about the complex process and effects of divorce. Sadly, we are finding that the terrible economy is acting as the final straw for many of our clients. These are couples who probably could have held their marriages together were it not for the added stress brought on by the current real estate crash, business crisis, and financial fiasco. In spite of the sadness we often witness, we find our work very gratifying, knowing that we are helping our clients conserve their resources, protect their children and save their sanity. In April we moved into a bigger and much nicer office, on June 24 we celebrated our AFD one year anniversary, and this month we contracted for office space so that we can now meet with clients in satellite offices in Plantation, Orlando, Palm Beach Gardens, Jacksonville, Tampa and Gainesville.

This week I begin another Family Mediation training program. At the same time my son Seth is moving to NY for his dream job while my daughter Sari is in active pursuit of hers. More to follow.

Sage Advice

In the last few days the signs have been everywhere. And, they are all pointing to this blog. All of the sage advice is saying - YOUR MUST HAVE A BLOG. So, here I am. Welcome to my blog.

My name is Dr. Elinor Robin. I am a mediator, mediation trainer and emerging media personality. (Susan Dubow, who will hereafter - in this blog - be known as Susan, my best friend and training partner at Mediation Training Group, calls me a media whore. But Emerging Media Personality is much more accurate - don't you think?

Anyway, in addition to training others to mediate, I mediate workplace disputes (mostly for the US Postal Service and the EEOC) AND I mediate divorces and related matters with my husband and partner David Spofford. We call our mediation practice A Friendly Divorce - www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. No, its not an oxy-moron. Our co-mediation model is unique in that we bring both a male-female balance and an uncommon mix of legal and psychological expertise to the mediation table. Additionally, we take our clients one more step, preparing all of their necessary court documents so our one-stop-shop (OK, all inclusive service) allows them to then go in front of the court for an uncontested divorce.

My media activities currently revolve around my radio shows which are heard on WWNN Radio -1470AM (www.wwnnradio.com - click on Listen Live) in South Florida. I am on Monday and Thursday nights from 8 to 9pm with The Dr Elinor Robin Show. Then on Sunday mornings from 10-11am I do a show called "What's Your Beef?" with Susan. This show gives us and the listeners a chance to vent, rant, and rave about whats wrong with the world. Then from 11-noon I host the MysticHolistic Hour. Thanks to my Executive Producer Rick Seid we have a steady stream of mystics and holistics (everything from Tarot Card readers to Chiropractors) who come to the studio with their individual methods for knowing and healing.

Radio is not my only media outlet. I also write some on-line and in print columns which focus on different aspects of personal and professional growth, relationships and conflicts. You can find me anywhere from www.WomenEntrepreneur.com (part of Entrepreneur Magazine) to The Solution News - www.thesolutionnews.com - a local newspaper serving the recovery community.

As time goes on I promise I will divulge much more. So stay tuned.

Best, Elinor