Year End Review

The end of the year is a perfect time for evaluation and fine-tuning your direction and purpose. Writing your answers to the following questions will help you in this task.

1. Look back on 2012, what obstacles have you overcome this year? What have you accomplished?

2. Your life is like a play. Some actors play a leading role and share the stage with you for long periods of time. Others go more quickly. When we start relationships we often cannot see how long someone will be there for. Sometimes we are the ones who decide who will stay on stage and who will go. Sometimes we have no control over the script. This year some of your key relationships may have completed their lines and moved on. Who has come and gone this year? Do you feel complete with these endings? What, if anything, do you need to do to fill the space that the departed actors left on your stage?   

3.  Make a list of the 5 most significant relationships in your life. Briefly describe each relationships' current status and where you would like to see this connection go in 2013.

4. What did you learn this year? How are you different today than you were on Jan 1, 2012?

5. What, if anything, is missing from your life?

6. How do you want the answers to these questions to be different on Dec 31, 2013? What are the steps you will take to make this happen?

10-Minute Mediation: How To Manage Life's Fights and Feuds Before They Sabotage Your Sanity

My book, "10-Minute Mediation: How To Manage Life's Fights and Feuds Before They Sabotage Your Sanity" is still looking for a publisher.  In the meantime, please "like" the Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/The10MinuteMediator.  As news stories of conflicts gone wild continue to surface I am more convinced than ever before that this is a book whose time has come.  In my mind, many recent tragedies could have been avoided if someone nearby had just a little mediation training.  I will keep you posted.
 

Marital Mediation

Have you ever heard of Marital Mediation? 

Marital Mediation is a process that uses mediation techniques to open and improve a couple's communications so that they can address areas of conflict and create a plan that outlines what each of them will do (and not do) in the future. 

How the process of Marital Mediation is used will vary, depending on the mediator's skill set and philosophy.   Typically, however, the process is:

*  short term
*  held in a multi-session format (I like a couple to commit to three 90-minute sessions with the potential of future follow-up)
*  focused on problem solving, and
*  concludes with the signing of a written agreement.  (However, the process itself and the creating of the agreement is usually more valuable and important than the actual agreement.)

Recently, one of my Mediation Trainees posed this question to me:

I am working with a couple in Marital Mediation.  The wife wants to include an "infidelity clause," that would involve a lump sum penalty payment in the event that either of them is unfaithful, in their agreement.  Have you ever seen such a clause?  Do you see any problem with including such a clause in their agreement? 

My Answer:

I have never used this clause.  My concern is that it might push an affair further under the rug, where it will do even more damage.  Since an affair is the symptom, not the problem, the idea of punishing the "guilty" spouse might not serve them well.  In my mind there is a big difference between (a) an exit affair (a term coined by Emily Brown to describe an affair that is used by a conflict avoider as a means of escape) that results in the end of a marriage and (b) an affair which is a symptom of a bigger problem that may be repairable while the couple is still emotionally engaged. 

In this case, the wife's request to use a punishment says to me that there is an old wound there that she might want to look at if this marriage is going to work out.  However, that exploration is an issue better suited for therapy than Marital Mediation.

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Divorce, TMZ

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in the news.  Divorce is difficult enough. Do they make it more difficult than it has to be?  Read my advice to them at http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/273/

Employee Loyalty: 13 Tips For Getting It AND Keeping It

As a corporate manager or a small business owner, the people who work for you will make you or break you.  If your employees feel a sense of loyalty, they will reward you.  Loyal employees promote customer satisfaction.  And, satisfied/loyal customers (also known as repeat business) are less concerned about price and more likely to bring referrals for new business.  Loyal employees, who tend to stay put, can help keep recruiting and training (of new hires) costs to a minimum.  However, don't confuse longevity with loyalty.  Just because someone is there long-term doesn't mean that she is loyal.

Loyalty grows out of a feeling of connection and a commitment to produce.  The following 13 actions are what you need to do to promote employee loyalty.

1. Set a good example.  Show your employees that you take work seriously.  If you are out shopping or busy making plans for the weekend, your employees will follow suit.

2. Create clear boundaries.  Your employees can have many friends, but only one employer.  Yes, you want to be friendly but not at the cost of establishing your unique role and position.  Most employees will be delighted to have a boss that can be depended upon to make difficult decisions, call the shots, and resolve awkward or burdensome problems - tasks they would never present to a friend or co-worker.

3. Outline each employee's sphere of influence.  Each staff member should be clear about where his/her own domain starts and stops.  This kind of definition fosters a sense of pride while preventing boundary overstepping and turf wars between employees.

4. Show your employees that you are loyal to them.  Never belittle or criticize an employee in public.  Avoid threats or any action that might give an employee a reason to question your commitment to him/her.  Instead carefully present your criticisms and see "mistakes" as opportunities for learning.

5. Give your employees something to be proud of.  Strive to make your organization the best it can be.  Whether you are the CEO of a large corporation, a supervisor in a governmental organization, or running a Mom-and-Pop shop, you want your product and service to shine so that everyone involved has a sense of pride and accomplishment.

6. Do good deeds.  Have an outreach plan that gives both you and your employees a chance to interact with, and give back to, the larger community in a positive way.

7. Reward your employees.  Money cannot buy loyalty but money does serve as a metaphor so tell your employees how much you value them.  Fair wages, appropriate raises, and an occasional unexpected treat can go a long way in building loyal employees.

8. Cultivate peak performance.  Provide your employees with training and development opportunities so that they can learn and grow.  And, as they develop, challenge them to set and meet high expectations.

9. Foster a team mentality.  Encourage your employees to communicate their ideas and allow them to influence company practices and policies.  Likewise, share your own vision for the future and your thoughts as to how you will all get there together.

10. Recognize and respond.  Everyone appreciates positive feedback.  And, once it becomes clear that you are willing and able to provide it, most employees will go the extra mile in order to get it.

11. Build solid relationships.  Find common ground, share life experiences, prove your trustworthiness, and be patient as strong relationships blossom over time.

12. The Platinum Rule.  There is no blueprint for fostering employee loyalty.  As you go about your business, remember that each employee must be seen as an individual - what works in some cases will bring disaster in another.  Forget the golden rule.  DO NOT treat your employees, as you want to be treated.  Instead, find out what each of them needs and wants and proceed with that in mind.

13. Be yourself.  Find your own management style.  Somewhere between "surrogate mother," who is more caretaker than boss and the Leona Helmsley stereotype, who responds to employees with contempt and ridicule, each of us can find our own happy medium.

A Mediator's Round Table

The practice of mediation often feels like a lonely endeavor. We work without the benefit of peers or mentors. Many mediators have no cohorts for case review or brainstorming. No old timer is waiting in the wings to teach us the ropes or let us in on time-tested trade secrets.  Often we are left to reinvent the wheel when it comes to best practices and marketing techniques. And, until now, there has been no way for mediators to reduce costs by engaging in cooperative marketing.

I am interested in finding ways for us to gather and engage in on-going conversation with trusted colleagues.  Many of us would appreciate being a part of a collaborative forum for promoting ourselves, our practices, and the mediation process.  How can we create partnerships that invite us to share talents, in-sights, and concerns?  How can we work collectively to increase our profits and improve our skills?  How can we join forces and increase our viability, visibility, and revenues?  How can we can finally bring mediation into the mainstream?

Out-earners: When the Wife is the Bigger Bread-winner

Even though - on average - women earn 82 cents for every dollar that their male counterparts make, in the new economy, there are many women that are able to out-earn their husbands.  And, it appears that this trend is likely to continue. 

For some couples a wife’s out-earning is the blessing that allows them to run their home and finances.  Other times, having a high-income wife becomes the kiss of death to a marriage. There are four ways female out-earning plays out in a marriage.  One way works and three don’t.  When it works, there are four factors that make it work:

1. There is a clear division of labor.  Being married is great. Because you have two partners, each spouse can take responsibility for a share of the life tasks.  No one has to have everything on their plate.  And, for many couples, they get to do the tasks that they enjoy and avoid the tasks that would feel more like drudgery.  As long as a couple is clear what each of them is in charge of and each of them fulfills their part of the bargain, everyone can be very happy with the deal.

2. Each partner values the others contribution.  When a partner has the attitude that their contribution has more value than that of their spouse, trouble is right around the corner.  Instead, it’s important that each partner be satisfied with the division of labor and appreciates their spouse’s contribution.

3. The couple has a shared vision and shared values.  When a married couple has a shared vision they are clear where they are going and what they want their lives to look like.  When a couple has shared values they know why and how they are going there.

4.  The family is living within its means.  Money problems don’t crop up from lack of money, they appear when a family is not living within its means.  In my divorce mediation practice I see many couples who have above average incomes but still have no net worth.  They are spending more than they earn.  This spending puts a strain on a marriage.  It is critical that couples live within their means in order to avoid marital money issues. 

Sadly, for many out-earner couples these factors are missing and the wife's earnings become a negative. While every couple is different, there are three common patterns I've found in out-earner couples who are not able to hold their marriages together. Here they are:

1. The Competitors.  These are partners who come to the marriage with high expectations and big potential for themselves and each other.  And, while he does OK somehow he doesn’t quite live up to the expectations and his potential as much as she does.  In the competitive environment these couples create there is a winner and a loser.  Keep in mind, these husbands would not be considered “losers” on the open market.  Its only when they are compared to their wives that they fall short.  But, falling short makes respect difficult.  (Both self-respect and partner-respect.)  And, without respect no marriage can survive.

2. The Loser.  Here is the man who would like a free ride.  He doesn’t really want to work and he is not a real Mr Mom either.  He does a bit of this or that but when his wife looks closely she finds that he is little more than an occasional baby sitter.  The bottom line is that the children, the money, the house, and all the big responsibilities, are hers.  Then one day she wakes up and realizes he is making such a minimal contribution to their lives that she would be better off without having to pull his dead weight.

3. Crummy marriage.  Sometimes, a marriage is just crummy and over.  In this case the fact that the wife earns more may be a detail that the couple looks at but it’s just one of many factors.  I believe that partners with failing marriages fall into four categories: 

• Mismatch.  They are simply a mismatch, with conflicting values, goals, or temperament.
• Addiction. One or both partners has some addiction issues.
• Balance sheet mentality.  There is a balance sheet mentality that keeps the spouses from working together as a team; instead each one is looking at their individual contributions and feeling they are giving more than they are getting, and 
• Unmet expectations.  One of both partners not living up to what was expected of them.  (My best example of this was a great couple we worked with a few years ago.  The husband was a dashing fire-fighter and army reservist.  His adorable wife was initially drawn to his strength and expected he would always protect her.  But, during a string of Florida hurricanes she found herself in their house, with two kids, and a leaking roof.  He was in Iraq - protecting us all.  She had an affair.  The end.)  In general, these expectations could be anything from a wife who loses her youth and innocence to a husband who loses his business. 

As our economy continues to evolve and the demand for certain skill-sets changes, we are going to see interesting shifts in earning and income potential for men and women.  These changes are going to continue to challenge marriages but couples can still make their marriages work and reap the rewards that can only be gained by having a committed partner.