For many women, the Mother-Daughter connection is life’s most complex relationship. This powerful bond can bring a woman unique insight, grace, and understanding or extreme sadness and resentment.
Typically, as a Mother-Daughter relationship evolves over time, their dependencies change. Ideally, Mom should become a supportive friend and ally. But early patterns can influence us forever. And, for some, the Mother-Daughter relationship stays stuck in adolescence - fraught with hurt, disappointment, disconnection, and conflict.
It takes two to tango. However, in order to improve a Mother-Daughter relationship, the mother must do more of the work. Here are five things you can do to lessen Mother-Daughter conflict.
1. Accept your daughter as an adult. Mothers who are unable to accept their daughters as adults typically find that their relationships are categorized by struggle and old patterns of control and rebellion.
2. Don't criticize. A mother's efforts to motivate self-improvement often make a daughter feel hurt and inadequate. Daughters need their mothers to view them as competent adults and beautiful women.
3. Listen supportively and allow breathing room. Avoid giving advice which may reflect your own values and desires. Instead, ask questions to improve your understanding of what she wants to do when faced with difficulty and allow your daughter to make her own decisions - even if you disagree.
4. Check it out. Before you do anything for your daughter or intervene in any way check it out with her. The Golden Rule does NOT apply. Instead, do unto your daughter, as SHE wants to be done unto. The only way you will know this is to ASK her what she wants.
5. Create a Mother-Daughter tradition and/or go on a Mother-Daughter retreat.
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Okay, so my head knows and understands all of this; however, emotionally I struggle. My mom unfortunately does the opposite of all these recommendations. The above is exactly what I would love to have her do, but she is 70 and I doubt it will change quickly if at all. How can I help the relationship? what can I do that will not destroy myself image. Life is difficut right now, since my parents live with me and my family "helping" and I just want to revert to my childhood and tell her NO to everything, even if I agree. it is wrong and I don't know what to do. I feel very inadaquate...Help. Please any insight is appreciated, books, statements, anything.
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