Recently, I was asked these divorce related questions. Want to learn more about divorce? Listen to my podcast "The Divorce Deport" on Spotify and most other podcast platforms.
I've said it before, but I will say it again. Divorce is the only event in your adult life that impacts your identity as well as the physical, financial, psychological, social, legal, and logistical aspects of your life. No wonder divorce often involves a wild emotional roller-coaster ride.
What are reasons to hold off on getting a divorce?
How does a prenuptial agreement affect a relationship?
How your future spouse negotiates a prenuptial agreement will tell you a lot about how s/he will negotiate all the other (millions of) issues you will have to negotiate during your marriage. Sadly, some people view the term "pre-nup" as a negative. It would be better if we called these agreements Pre-Marriage Plans. It's easy to see why it's somewhat foolish to enter into something as big as marriage - which affects us physically, financially, socially, and psychologically - without a plan. One BIG problem with pre-nups is that they are written by lawyers. Beyond their own marriages, most lawyers know little about the workings of a successful marriage. And, typically, pre-nups are written as pre-divorce agreements. While it is important to have an exit strategy when you are entering into something as all encompassing as a marriage, the exit strategy is just a small part of what the Pre-Marriage Plan should cover. Without a viable Pre-Marriage Plan many couples go into marriage (still in the honeymoon/hormone wash stage) only to wake up one day and find themselves ill equipped to negotiate their futures.
- If one spouse if getting health insurance from the other spouse's employer. Leaving a spouse without group health insurance can turn into a health disaster.
- Older people, who have spent a lifetime together, and are past wanting to remarry, can often avoid a lot of hassle by staying married. But, only if they are on good terms. In these cases it is important to have good estate planning, including naming a health care surrogate.
The bottom line - if a couple is not going to be together, but for some reason they do not want to get divorced, they should sit down with a mediator and write an agreement that will guide their future interactions.
How your future spouse negotiates a prenuptial agreement will tell you a lot about how s/he will negotiate all the other (millions of) issues you will have to negotiate during your marriage. Sadly, some people view the term "pre-nup" as a negative. It would be better if we called these agreements Pre-Marriage Plans. It's easy to see why it's somewhat foolish to enter into something as big as marriage - which affects us physically, financially, socially, and psychologically - without a plan. One BIG problem with pre-nups is that they are written by lawyers. Beyond their own marriages, most lawyers know little about the workings of a successful marriage. And, typically, pre-nups are written as pre-divorce agreements. While it is important to have an exit strategy when you are entering into something as all encompassing as a marriage, the exit strategy is just a small part of what the Pre-Marriage Plan should cover. Without a viable Pre-Marriage Plan many couples go into marriage (still in the honeymoon/hormone wash stage) only to wake up one day and find themselves ill equipped to negotiate their futures.
The bottom line..... If you do end up getting divorced, the person you are divorcing will not be the same person you married. So, having a divorce plan in place, before either of you becomes someone else, is a step in the right direction.
Some couples are too quick to file for divorce and some wait way too long. Once one spouse has emotionally detached it's difficult to get them to re-attach. I believe if a female partner wants the relationship to work it may still be salvageable. But, if she (or shes in some cases) has emotionally moved-on attempting to put things back together is usually futile.
What costs does one need to keep in mind when getting a divorce?
Legal costs, moving costs, utility deposits, costs involved in purchasing all the things you left behind - tools, linen, furniture, kitchen stuff, etc. Divorce is expensive, you are breaking up one household into two. Many things need to be duplicated.
What is the average cost of divorce?
You can get divorced for the cost of a filing fee (varies by state between $50 and $600). And this cost may be waived if you can prove you are indigent. On the other hand, you could spend four-million dollars on attorneys, accountants, and experts. So there is no average. With that said, my guess is the average person spends between $4,000 and $15,000 on their divorce - for a combined total of $8,000-$30,000. But, that's just a guess.
How much is a DIY divorce?
In most states, you can get no-cost help for a DIY divorce in the courthouse, at a law school, or from legal aid.
Why should you have an attorney for your divorce rather than work together with a mediator?
Most people (IMO) will be better served using a mediator. Often hiring attorneys plays out like a circular firing squad. If you hire an attorney, so will your spouse. And, now you are off and running.
When is a mediator not the best choice?
1. Create a concrete plan of action. List your personal resources and how you will use those resources during the next month, six months, and year ahead.
2. Develop a strong support system. Create your support system by inviting quality people into your inner circle. This support system should include family members, old friends, and new friends. Find other singles that share a common interest - even if you have to organize an event or special project yourself. Connect with your neighbors and members of your community. Start or join a support group or meet-up. Make time for sharing breakfast, a movie, or a potluck meal. Some time to yourself is fine but your healing process will be accelerated if you avoid isolation and feeling alone.
3. Become an activist. Make a difference. Get involved with a cause that is bigger than your personal problems.
4. Meditate and breathe. When we are anxious we tend to hold our breath. Using a breathing meditation allows us to take in more oxygen. And, more oxygen allows us to think more clearly.
5. Explore local resources. Act like a tourist, but the goal is to become an expert on what your city has to offer. Find free or inexpensive activities in your community. Take a walk. Visit the park, beach, museum, and public library.
6. Find creative ways to access the goods and services you need. Especially if finances are tight - barter, recycle, negotiate, create.
7. Clean-out the clutter and get rid of unnecessary reminders of your Ex. When your physical space is disorganized it produces a negative reflection. When you clean up your house you are honoring your home - the temple of your soul. Getting rid of "stuff" is one way to make room for a new person.
8. Live within your means and clean-up your credit. Enlist professional assistance or the aid of a friend who knows how to create a budget.
9. Adopt. Rescue a pet from a shelter and receive unconditional love and companionship in return.
10. Start the morning with a positive affirmation.
11. Make a gratitude list and focus on the ways that the glass of your life is half (or more) full. Concentrate on the good - the things that give you joy in life.
12. Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate. Create new celebratory rituals to enjoy this year and in the years to come.
13. Avoid comparing your insides to someone else's outsides. When you think of yourself as a victim you further feed the negative emotions. Each life has high and low points. Half of the adult population will be divorced and for most it's a low point. So when you look around and everyone else seems happy remember that you are not the only one who has had to live through a failed marriage.
14. See crisis as an opportunity to shift gears. Don't dwell on your losses; mourn them, and let them go.
15. Accept those around you as they are. Focus instead on what can be changed in you and your attitudes.
16. Remind yourself that next year will be different, next year YOU will be different, and everything is temporary.
17. Use the transition of divorce as a time of assessment. Figure out what mistakes you made in the relationship and how you will avoid these mistakes in the future. A therapist or support group can help in this endeavor.
18. Call a truce with your Ex. Especially if you have children, let him/her know that you want to find solutions that work for both of you. It's hard to argue with someone who says "I want to find solutions that work for you and for me."
19. Give yourself time. Don't rush into the next relationship because you are lonely or feel rejected. The longer you wait the better your chances of success. It's OK to look (be a shopper) but don't buy too fast.
20. Manage your expectations:
Does a prenuptial really prevent divorce problems? Do people still go to court and fight?
Sometimes a pre-nup can prevent a divorce battle. (If it was clearly written, nothing significant has changed, and everyone still agrees to follow it.) Sometimes the pre-nup creates yet another layer of divorce issues. If there are ambiguities people may first fight to validate/invalidate the pre-nup. If the pre-nup is not valid (which can happen for a variety of reasons) now the real fight begins, but the parties have already bloodied themselves in the pre-nup battle.
Can you win if you signed a prenup? If so, under what conditions?
What does win mean? If you mean can you get the pre-nup invalidated the answer is sometimes. A lawyer should answer the question as to what conditions in your state will invalidate a pre-nup. In many states fraud or duress can invalidate a pre-nup and proving/dis-proving fraud or duress is where the battle happens.
Can more people work out marital problems than try? Are we too quick to file divorce and move on?
Some couples are too quick to file for divorce and some wait way too long. Once one spouse has emotionally detached it's difficult to get them to re-attach. I believe if a female partner wants the relationship to work it may still be salvageable. But, if she (or shes in some cases) has emotionally moved-on attempting to put things back together is usually futile.
What costs does one need to keep in mind when getting a divorce?
Legal costs, moving costs, utility deposits, costs involved in purchasing all the things you left behind - tools, linen, furniture, kitchen stuff, etc. Divorce is expensive, you are breaking up one household into two. Many things need to be duplicated.
What is the average cost of divorce?
You can get divorced for the cost of a filing fee (varies by state between $50 and $600). And this cost may be waived if you can prove you are indigent. On the other hand, you could spend four-million dollars on attorneys, accountants, and experts. So there is no average. With that said, my guess is the average person spends between $4,000 and $15,000 on their divorce - for a combined total of $8,000-$30,000. But, that's just a guess.
How much is a DIY divorce?
In most states, you can get no-cost help for a DIY divorce in the courthouse, at a law school, or from legal aid.
Why should you have an attorney for your divorce rather than work together with a mediator?
Most people (IMO) will be better served using a mediator. Often hiring attorneys plays out like a circular firing squad. If you hire an attorney, so will your spouse. And, now you are off and running.
When is a mediator not the best choice?
- When there is domestic violence and the victim has lost his/her bargaining ability.
- When one spouse is ignorant with regard to the couple's finances, financial resources, income, assets, debts, and/or expenses.
1. Create a concrete plan of action. List your personal resources and how you will use those resources during the next month, six months, and year ahead.
2. Develop a strong support system. Create your support system by inviting quality people into your inner circle. This support system should include family members, old friends, and new friends. Find other singles that share a common interest - even if you have to organize an event or special project yourself. Connect with your neighbors and members of your community. Start or join a support group or meet-up. Make time for sharing breakfast, a movie, or a potluck meal. Some time to yourself is fine but your healing process will be accelerated if you avoid isolation and feeling alone.
3. Become an activist. Make a difference. Get involved with a cause that is bigger than your personal problems.
4. Meditate and breathe. When we are anxious we tend to hold our breath. Using a breathing meditation allows us to take in more oxygen. And, more oxygen allows us to think more clearly.
5. Explore local resources. Act like a tourist, but the goal is to become an expert on what your city has to offer. Find free or inexpensive activities in your community. Take a walk. Visit the park, beach, museum, and public library.
6. Find creative ways to access the goods and services you need. Especially if finances are tight - barter, recycle, negotiate, create.
7. Clean-out the clutter and get rid of unnecessary reminders of your Ex. When your physical space is disorganized it produces a negative reflection. When you clean up your house you are honoring your home - the temple of your soul. Getting rid of "stuff" is one way to make room for a new person.
8. Live within your means and clean-up your credit. Enlist professional assistance or the aid of a friend who knows how to create a budget.
9. Adopt. Rescue a pet from a shelter and receive unconditional love and companionship in return.
10. Start the morning with a positive affirmation.
11. Make a gratitude list and focus on the ways that the glass of your life is half (or more) full. Concentrate on the good - the things that give you joy in life.
12. Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate. Create new celebratory rituals to enjoy this year and in the years to come.
13. Avoid comparing your insides to someone else's outsides. When you think of yourself as a victim you further feed the negative emotions. Each life has high and low points. Half of the adult population will be divorced and for most it's a low point. So when you look around and everyone else seems happy remember that you are not the only one who has had to live through a failed marriage.
14. See crisis as an opportunity to shift gears. Don't dwell on your losses; mourn them, and let them go.
15. Accept those around you as they are. Focus instead on what can be changed in you and your attitudes.
16. Remind yourself that next year will be different, next year YOU will be different, and everything is temporary.
17. Use the transition of divorce as a time of assessment. Figure out what mistakes you made in the relationship and how you will avoid these mistakes in the future. A therapist or support group can help in this endeavor.
18. Call a truce with your Ex. Especially if you have children, let him/her know that you want to find solutions that work for both of you. It's hard to argue with someone who says "I want to find solutions that work for you and for me."
19. Give yourself time. Don't rush into the next relationship because you are lonely or feel rejected. The longer you wait the better your chances of success. It's OK to look (be a shopper) but don't buy too fast.
20. Manage your expectations:
- Expect change. Your social network and your standard of living are going to change.
- Expect that dislike for your soon-to-be-ex will be difficult to conceal. However, while it may not be easy, it is important that you avoid sharing this dislike with your children (even adult children).
- Expect a sense of failure (as to the failed relationship and the “wasted” years) and loss (of clarity, identity, connection, and self-control) as well as a roller coaster of emotions – fear (psychological, physical, and financial), anger, sadness, depression, joy, relief, anxiety. Pay attention to the duration and intensity of these emotions.
- Expect – but do not give into – the impetus for a knee-jerk-reaction that puts your children in the middle – where they are used as weapons.
- Expect more of the same. If you have children, and an on-going connection to your ex, divorce may not put an end to the negativity and “issues” that were present in your marriage.
- Expect that your children will be impacted by your divorce. (Divorce impacts children of all ages.) Keep in mind that the impact your divorce has on your children will be related to the degree and duration of conflict and negativity – before, during, and after the divorce.
- Expect your ex to have a different experience. There is a big difference in the experience of the “dumper” and the “dumpee.” The initiator has often had time to plan and/or gather information. The other spouse is often caught off guard and needs time to catch his/her breathe after the initial shock.
- Expect that divorce will take you out of your comfort zone. And, as you wade in unchartered water you will need extra support.
- Expect to regress into a second adolescence where dating will be different, difficult, dangerous, and overwhelming.
- Expect parenting alone to feel overwhelming.
- Expect that you will make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up over your mistakes. Instead, learn from your mistakes so that you emerge from this divorce better, stronger, and more aware.
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