Why do we marry?

Well, with all this talk of gay marriage/gay divorce I have been asked the question - from someone who chose not to marry - Why do we marry?  Here is my answer.

There are many, many reasons - financial, social, etc - some of which go back to the caveman (caveperson) days but still play out in our biology and brain chemistry. I believe that good marriages have a purpose. And, when that purpose is accomplished its important that a couple find/create another purpose or the marriage gets stale. (Stale to me means the bond/the connection rots out and dies.) Of course many marriages start out with the purpose of creating or raising a family. I was at a seminar recently and the presenter said "mammels soothe in pairs." That remark really made sense to me. Life is tough. In my mind, when a marriage provides a place to be soothed the marriage is a success. The human need for connection is met in marriage. HOWEVER, marriage is difficult and being married to the wrong person (who is unsafe versus soothing) is torture. Whats the difference? In the animal kingdom when an animal feels under threat it will fight, flight, freeze, or submit. If someone is engaging in those behaviors in their marriage its a red flag. When animals feel safe/soothed they play, eat, relax, mate. So why do we marry? To create an envirnment where we will be able to play, eat, relax, and mate. And, whats the payout - support, synergy (1+1>2), sex and soothing.

Resolutions For A Happy Marriage

While cleaning out my e-mail-box I came across this list. Yes, chronologically, it works better for New Years then Thanksgiving but this is good advice at any time of the year. So, please consider these resolutions for a happy marriage.

1. Resolve to clean-out the clutter. When you clean up your house you are honoring your home - the temple for your relationship.

2. Resolve to have the difficult conversations. Talk to each other. And, if that's too hard, write each other letters.

3. Resolve to live within your means and clean-up your credit. You already know which one of you is "the saver" and which is "the spender." Put "the saver" in charge of all funds. You may need three accounts - yours, mine and a joint account to insure that everyone is comfortable with the arrangement.

4. Resolve to put each other first - before your kids, parents, friends, or jobs.

5. Resolve to work together as a team. Marriage works best when the partners don't see things in terms of win-lose against each other. A sports team is most successful when everyone pulls together for the common good - so is a marriage.