Parenting Question

Dear Dr. Robin:

So I let my 10 year old daughter Kayla out of my sight tonight, which is very hard for me, to go to the State Fair (45 minutes away) with her girlfriend and her parents. They swear they'll be home by 9:30. They are not home at 10, I call the friends house and the mom answers. She didn't go, and is in tears worried that something happened. She tells me her husband took them and didn't bring the cell! WTH! First off I would have never let her go if I had know the mom wasn't going and to top it off, no cell phone? My husband just went off on the mom. At 10:15 my daughter walks in. We went off on her too but it's not her fault. Aside from getting her a cell phone - what should we do???

Kayla's Mom

My response

Dear Mom,

This is a two-parter. First part is the anxiety of a parent. What can we do with the fear and out-of-control feeling that makes us act out like lunatics sometimes? Focus your breathe, pray, meditate, reach out to others, journal, take some action, etc. Being a parent is scary, we have to find the delicate balance between letting go and protecting.

The second part is the friend's family. In the words of branding expert Kellie Kuecha "How you show up here, you show up everywhere." This is part of the father's "brand," its how he shows up in life. Any of us could forget our cell phone but if I did I wouldn't be almost an hour late. Considerate is not a part of his brand. He has proven (IMHO) to be irresponsible, passive-aggressive, or both. And, clearly the mother cannot be counted on to counteract his tendencies.

What happened yesterday doesn't really matter now (its done) so lets change the focus to the future. Its up to you to set the boundary. I would discuss it with Kayla. Tell her your concerns and see what she says. Maybe the rule should be that she can go to their house but not leave with them so if there is a change in plans she calls you to pick her up. Whatever you two decide is OK but at this point I believe that in order to get her to follow the rules she has to co-create them. Remember, in this case, she is not to blame. Make that clear to her, she was not the driver last night. That's why its important to make good choices about who we get in the car with. And, let her know that there will be many more decisions that the two of you will have to negotiate together as you spend the next 10 years finding the delicate balance between letting go - so she can become her own wise woman - and protecting her while she learns how.

Happy trails, Elinor