Often, when I tell someone the name of my business - A Friendly Divorce - they laugh. "A Friendly Divorce? Ha, Ha. That's an oxymoron." Others think we only help couples that are already friendly. And, they wonder how much business we could possibly do if our target market is divorcing couples that get along. In fact, very few of our clients walk into our office feeling friendly. Our goal is to turn that around and get them to a place where friendly (or at least polite) is possible. And, we know that a fight serves a purpose for a divorcing couple and a part of the process. Of course, we believe that the fight is best staged in our office and not in a courtroom with attorney assistance. Why do couples going through divorce fight? Well, the fight serves five purposes.
1. To enable the partners to determine if reconciliation is possible.
2. To expose past hurts.
3. To confirm that the spouse is no longer part of the team and instead wants to take care of him/her self.
4. To keep the connection alive until the lessor connected partner is ready to let go.
5. To enable each spouse to avoid looking at her/herself and their individual failures. By pointing the finger at the other spouse, each partner can lessen his/her guilt and feelings of failure.
6. To promote letting go.
Keep in mind that each divorce, each couple, and each fight is unique. So some of this be more relevant in some cases then in others. However, there is always some version of the fight and if we can help a couple structure their fight and make it more productive there is a better chance for a productive dialogue as they move through the process of divorce and into their future relationship as co-parents. If instead the fight is driven by attorneys in a court setting they miss much of this opportunity for self-discovery and closure.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Why Did Tiger Cheat?
Read The Top Ten Reasons Why Tiger Cheated http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/why-did-tiger-cheat/
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Business of Unprecedented Change
We are living in a time of unprecedented change. And this means that each of us is also faced with unprecedented opportunity.
The dictionary defines unprecedented as "without previous instance; never before known or experienced; unparalleled." Our current experience - a collective swimming in unchartered waters - was brought about as technological advancements, which continue to occur at lightning speed, met and coupled with the new economy. Additionally, for many entrepreneurs, industry specific factors may also be at play.
I have been talking to business owners about these unprecedented times and I am finding that smart entrepreneurs know that keeping their eyes open to the emerging trends in our culture, our communities, and our industries is critical. In fact, this is the perfect time to ask ourselves what unprecedented changes and opportunities are facing me and my business. Here is how some smart and savvy professionals answered this question. As someone fascinated with the concept of emerging trends, I would love to hear your answer.
Dr. Ralph Bourjolly is an Optometric Physician in Pompano Beach, Florida. Dr. Ralph saw an unprecedented opportunity when a technological advancement allowed him to incorporate a digital camera that takes pictures of a patient's retina, into his practice. He is now able to take clear pictures of a retina without dilating the patient's eyes and email the photographs to a retina specialist, saving time and raising the standard of care.
Jay Ghanem, of Auto Tech and Body in Pompano Beach, Florida is an entrepreneur with a unique ability to sense industry changes and opportunities. Jay is currently working on ways to power cars with waste cooking oil. And, he recently became a distributor of Xenon headlights. These lights can be installed in any car, reducing energy consumption while significantly improving visibility.
Massage therapist Marie-Josee Berard of the Infant Massage Institute says that an emerging trend in her industry is using massage during pregnancy to avoid colic and other common problems. Amazingly, Marie-Josee is able to use massage to help mothers take care of their babies while the babies are still in the womb.
According to Michael J. Maynes, a Financial Advisor and Certified Financial Planner, "the financial services industry is going through a pruning process and this trend will probably continue so that broker dealers with poor balance sheets and high risk portfolios will be acquired and stronger firms with less debt and lower portfolio risk will gain market share." Mike has found that the current economic mess has caused his role to evolve so that he has become more of a helper, assisting people in developing or revising their budgets and managing their finances after a layoff.
Danielle Zimmerman of Abi's Place, a school that specializes in teaching children with moderate to severe developmental disabilities, says that recent cuts in Medicaid funding and school budget cuts have provided her with a unique opportunity. Because Abi's Place is a 503© they are able to raise funds with creative fundraising events and provide the services that her students need.
The bottom line is this. If you are a dentist, you need to be taking digital x-rays. If you are a psychotherapist, you need to expand your tool box beyond Woody Allen style long-term therapy. It's that simple. Those who are able to turn their challenges into opportunities will weather the economic storm.
The dictionary defines unprecedented as "without previous instance; never before known or experienced; unparalleled." Our current experience - a collective swimming in unchartered waters - was brought about as technological advancements, which continue to occur at lightning speed, met and coupled with the new economy. Additionally, for many entrepreneurs, industry specific factors may also be at play.
I have been talking to business owners about these unprecedented times and I am finding that smart entrepreneurs know that keeping their eyes open to the emerging trends in our culture, our communities, and our industries is critical. In fact, this is the perfect time to ask ourselves what unprecedented changes and opportunities are facing me and my business. Here is how some smart and savvy professionals answered this question. As someone fascinated with the concept of emerging trends, I would love to hear your answer.
Dr. Ralph Bourjolly is an Optometric Physician in Pompano Beach, Florida. Dr. Ralph saw an unprecedented opportunity when a technological advancement allowed him to incorporate a digital camera that takes pictures of a patient's retina, into his practice. He is now able to take clear pictures of a retina without dilating the patient's eyes and email the photographs to a retina specialist, saving time and raising the standard of care.
Jay Ghanem, of Auto Tech and Body in Pompano Beach, Florida is an entrepreneur with a unique ability to sense industry changes and opportunities. Jay is currently working on ways to power cars with waste cooking oil. And, he recently became a distributor of Xenon headlights. These lights can be installed in any car, reducing energy consumption while significantly improving visibility.
Massage therapist Marie-Josee Berard of the Infant Massage Institute says that an emerging trend in her industry is using massage during pregnancy to avoid colic and other common problems. Amazingly, Marie-Josee is able to use massage to help mothers take care of their babies while the babies are still in the womb.
According to Michael J. Maynes, a Financial Advisor and Certified Financial Planner, "the financial services industry is going through a pruning process and this trend will probably continue so that broker dealers with poor balance sheets and high risk portfolios will be acquired and stronger firms with less debt and lower portfolio risk will gain market share." Mike has found that the current economic mess has caused his role to evolve so that he has become more of a helper, assisting people in developing or revising their budgets and managing their finances after a layoff.
Danielle Zimmerman of Abi's Place, a school that specializes in teaching children with moderate to severe developmental disabilities, says that recent cuts in Medicaid funding and school budget cuts have provided her with a unique opportunity. Because Abi's Place is a 503© they are able to raise funds with creative fundraising events and provide the services that her students need.
The bottom line is this. If you are a dentist, you need to be taking digital x-rays. If you are a psychotherapist, you need to expand your tool box beyond Woody Allen style long-term therapy. It's that simple. Those who are able to turn their challenges into opportunities will weather the economic storm.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Resolutions For A Happy Marriage
While cleaning out my e-mail-box I came across this list. Yes, chronologically, it works better for New Years then Thanksgiving but this is good advice at any time of the year. So, please consider these resolutions for a happy marriage.
1. Resolve to clean-out the clutter. When you clean up your house you are honoring your home - the temple for your relationship.
2. Resolve to have the difficult conversations. Talk to each other. And, if that's too hard, write each other letters.
3. Resolve to live within your means and clean-up your credit. You already know which one of you is "the saver" and which is "the spender." Put "the saver" in charge of all funds. You may need three accounts - yours, mine and a joint account to insure that everyone is comfortable with the arrangement.
4. Resolve to put each other first - before your kids, parents, friends, or jobs.
5. Resolve to work together as a team. Marriage works best when the partners don't see things in terms of win-lose against each other. A sports team is most successful when everyone pulls together for the common good - so is a marriage.
1. Resolve to clean-out the clutter. When you clean up your house you are honoring your home - the temple for your relationship.
2. Resolve to have the difficult conversations. Talk to each other. And, if that's too hard, write each other letters.
3. Resolve to live within your means and clean-up your credit. You already know which one of you is "the saver" and which is "the spender." Put "the saver" in charge of all funds. You may need three accounts - yours, mine and a joint account to insure that everyone is comfortable with the arrangement.
4. Resolve to put each other first - before your kids, parents, friends, or jobs.
5. Resolve to work together as a team. Marriage works best when the partners don't see things in terms of win-lose against each other. A sports team is most successful when everyone pulls together for the common good - so is a marriage.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Hmm.... Where Am I?
Wow. Its been almost three months since I posted anything on this blog. Could it be that I have nothing to say? Those of you who know me know that that is highly unlikely.
There are so many avenues for expression these days I often dont know where to go first. A few months ago I stated using Facebook. Its a great medium in that it provides a pictorial component to go along with the written words. Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever reads this blog. But, with Facebook I know that someone is reading - their responses are almost immediate. So please, if you have not done so already, connect to me on Facebook and/or Twitter.
Things have been hectic. On a personal note, this summer was a busy and joyful time. My daughter completed her training at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center. While she was there - for four months - we babysat for our granddogs, making us a four dog household. And, both my son and my niece got married within a two week span of time. As part of the festivities I traveled to New York four times and hosted two local bridal showers. And when the weddings were all done David and I went to Las Vegas for an amazing birthday party for my sister Michele.
Professionally, I have become interested in the work of legal futurist Richard Susskind (The End of Lawyers? Oxford, 2008). Susskind asserts that “the legal system is on the brink of a fundamental transformation.” In my mind, the family law arena is ripe for a revolution, or at least a makeover. The public seems eager to move away from the traditional/attorney-driven model of divorce, towards a more humane and family-friendly approach. And, the new economy is accelerating the shift. We continue to be very busy at A Friendly Divorce. But, there is a limit to how many couples David and I can personally usher through the transition of divorce. So, we are venturing out to teach other professionals our system. We are now assembling a small group of Florida mediators to learn our process and help move us closer to a national training program. Please contact me if you want to learn more about how we help families conserve their resources and minimize heartache during one of the most difficult times any family can face.
There are so many avenues for expression these days I often dont know where to go first. A few months ago I stated using Facebook. Its a great medium in that it provides a pictorial component to go along with the written words. Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever reads this blog. But, with Facebook I know that someone is reading - their responses are almost immediate. So please, if you have not done so already, connect to me on Facebook and/or Twitter.
Things have been hectic. On a personal note, this summer was a busy and joyful time. My daughter completed her training at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center. While she was there - for four months - we babysat for our granddogs, making us a four dog household. And, both my son and my niece got married within a two week span of time. As part of the festivities I traveled to New York four times and hosted two local bridal showers. And when the weddings were all done David and I went to Las Vegas for an amazing birthday party for my sister Michele.
Professionally, I have become interested in the work of legal futurist Richard Susskind (The End of Lawyers? Oxford, 2008). Susskind asserts that “the legal system is on the brink of a fundamental transformation.” In my mind, the family law arena is ripe for a revolution, or at least a makeover. The public seems eager to move away from the traditional/attorney-driven model of divorce, towards a more humane and family-friendly approach. And, the new economy is accelerating the shift. We continue to be very busy at A Friendly Divorce. But, there is a limit to how many couples David and I can personally usher through the transition of divorce. So, we are venturing out to teach other professionals our system. We are now assembling a small group of Florida mediators to learn our process and help move us closer to a national training program. Please contact me if you want to learn more about how we help families conserve their resources and minimize heartache during one of the most difficult times any family can face.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Jon, Kate, and Everyone Else Getting Divorced
Jon and Kate,
There is a better way!! Take a look at - http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/jon-kate-and-everyone-else-getting-divorced/
Wishing you all the best, Elinor
There is a better way!! Take a look at - http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/jon-kate-and-everyone-else-getting-divorced/
Wishing you all the best, Elinor
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Gates & Crowley - It Takes Two To Tango
Scholar Henry Louis Gates, Jr and Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley could both benefit from an honest look at the behaviors that each of them contributed to their recent arrest fiasco and the subsequent media circus.
In my mind, racism and its related open wound, are key factors in the whole matter. But, other factors, and some big fat male egos, come into play too.
Would the woman who called-in the initial 911 report have called the police if the men she saw breaking-into Gates house were white? Honestly, we will never know how much of the motivation behind the woman's call came from racial profiling and how much was from her concern as a neighbor.
Likewise, we don't have a video tape of the arrest scene. So we will never really know how things played out when Crowley showed up. However, my 20 years as a mediator has taught me that in almost every human conflict, it takes two to tango. So I believe that both men contributed to the escalation of the conflict. And, while race is one of the factors that influenced both men before, during and after the arrest incident, power and ego also came into play.
Gates is calling for an apology. And, at this point, in the court of public opinion, Crowley would be wise to offer one. Here is what he could say and still save face:
"Needless to say, this incident was most unfortunate and I am sorry that it has caused Dr. Gates suffering and stress. I was called to the house for a reported break-in and sadly things escalated before it became clear that this was Dr. Gates' home. I hope that Dr Gates knows that it was my intention to protect this home, as I would want to protect any home in Cambridge. I can understand how upsetting it must have been for Dr Gates to have the police show up on his doorstep, especially since he was already dealing with the frustration of being locked out. Under different circumstances I believe that Dr Gates would have conveyed the facts to me and we would not be here now. Once again, I am sorry for the suffering and stress that Dr. Gates has endured in relation to this incident."
Likewise, Dr Gates can take this mishap and turn it into an opportunity for opening up a worthwhile and meaningful dialogue on race and racial relations. Hopefully, he will choose this path and avoid putting himself into the whinney victim stance that we often see in reaction to feelings of dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or disenfranchised.
In my mind, racism and its related open wound, are key factors in the whole matter. But, other factors, and some big fat male egos, come into play too.
Would the woman who called-in the initial 911 report have called the police if the men she saw breaking-into Gates house were white? Honestly, we will never know how much of the motivation behind the woman's call came from racial profiling and how much was from her concern as a neighbor.
Likewise, we don't have a video tape of the arrest scene. So we will never really know how things played out when Crowley showed up. However, my 20 years as a mediator has taught me that in almost every human conflict, it takes two to tango. So I believe that both men contributed to the escalation of the conflict. And, while race is one of the factors that influenced both men before, during and after the arrest incident, power and ego also came into play.
Gates is calling for an apology. And, at this point, in the court of public opinion, Crowley would be wise to offer one. Here is what he could say and still save face:
"Needless to say, this incident was most unfortunate and I am sorry that it has caused Dr. Gates suffering and stress. I was called to the house for a reported break-in and sadly things escalated before it became clear that this was Dr. Gates' home. I hope that Dr Gates knows that it was my intention to protect this home, as I would want to protect any home in Cambridge. I can understand how upsetting it must have been for Dr Gates to have the police show up on his doorstep, especially since he was already dealing with the frustration of being locked out. Under different circumstances I believe that Dr Gates would have conveyed the facts to me and we would not be here now. Once again, I am sorry for the suffering and stress that Dr. Gates has endured in relation to this incident."
Likewise, Dr Gates can take this mishap and turn it into an opportunity for opening up a worthwhile and meaningful dialogue on race and racial relations. Hopefully, he will choose this path and avoid putting himself into the whinney victim stance that we often see in reaction to feelings of dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or disenfranchised.
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