Awakening Your Conscious Conflict Ownership

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” - Anais Nin

Our conflicts are our best teachers.  Few of us grow, change, or learn without conflict.  Conscious Conflict Ownership is the ability to clearly see different aspects of a conflict, including how you created or co-created the situation, where you are, and where you could be.  Like a mirror, Conscious Conflict Ownership, helps you see your blind spots and unconscious patterns.  This reflection allows you to gauge your position and posture, and adjust and improve your standing.

There are four things you can do to increase your Conscious Conflict Ownership.  If you follow these guidelines you will soon be able to grasp the lessons your conflicts provide and incorporate those lessons into your life. 

1.  Take a Step Back and Reflect.  When you step back from conflict you can see the bigger picture and reflect upon your part in its creation.  Doing this will help you develop your insight and critical thinking and increase your willingness to be accountable for your own actions and reactions, rather than blaming others.  When you have time and space, try this two-step exercise:

o   First, write down or otherwise recount the story of a significant conflict you faced from the perspective of the person on the other side.  Think of this as a role play exercise:  you are an actor, playing the role of the other person.  Imagine what this person might say about what they saw, heard, or felt.  Consider all the factors that this person lives with.  Describe how the stressors of their life might have impacted them.  Think of ways that they might justify their actions based on their circumstances.

o   Next, figure out what the two of you have in common.  Is there any place that your goals complement one another?  For instance, in the workplace you may both be perceived as childish or catty if you continue to fight.  If you can put your differences behind you, both of your reputations will benefit.  Knowing that you both want the same thing – for instance, to look good to the boss – doesn’t mean it’s an either/or.  You can both accomplish this goal.  Believing there is enough to go around will enable you to stop fighting for crumbs.

2.  Don’t take it personally.  In “The Four Agreements:  A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom,” Don Miguel Ruiz, a leader in the conscious awareness community, tells us:

“Don’t take it personally.  Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” 

It’s easy to fall into the take-it-personally trap.  In reality, everyone is focused on their own little world.  Knowing “it’s not about me” allows us to accept things as they are, avoid irritation and hurt, and find a sense of freedom. 

3.  Be aware of your physiology.  Physical sensations and emotions provide important messages.  But we have been programmed to ignore them.  The subtle rumblings of feeling dismissed, discounted, disrespected, disenfranchised, or otherwise devalued can build-up to the point of no return.  However, when you address these sensations, which are actually part of the fight or flight survival response in your nervous system, before you are propelled into explosion, you can avoid conflict drama and come out the winner.

4.  Keep moving forward, with heart.  Acknowledge your mistakes, make positive suggestions for the future, follow up when appropriate, and ultimately learn from (and avoid repeating) your missteps.  When you engage in this forward motion, without harsh self-talk, you will find yourself open to the lessons that your conflicts can provide. 

Yes, aligning your mindset to embrace Conscious Conflict Ownership is no small task.  But, it’s worth the work.  When you are able to look at an existing conflict, see your individual contributions to it, and change your position, attitude, actions, or reactions, you may find that the conflict has gone away entirely, seemingly on its own.  Ultimately, Conscious Conflict Ownership will bring you pay-offs that include improved relationships, a reduction in the amount and intensity of your conflicts, and a better understanding of yourself and your world. 

Mom Sense: 8 Tips for Getting Along with Your Adult Daughter This Mothers’ Day and Everyday

Do you love or hate Mother’s Day?

If you are a mother who regularly struggles to get along with your adult daughter, Mother’s Day can be a day of dread.

As a mediator, I have heard many official (and unofficial) rants regarding the difficulty mothers and daughters face.  Recently, an acquaintance (let’s call her Gloria) outlined a long list of incidents where her daughter left her feeling dismissed and disrespected.  The details seemed insignificant.  Her anger, which I surmised was a cover up for hurt, overpowered everything.  As her diatribe came to an end I leaned in and asked – “have you ever apologized to her for the mistakes that you made?”  She looked at me as if I had two heads.  “What?” she said.  “Mistakes?  I didn’t make any mistakes.  I have nothing to apologize for.”  She was adamant and I decided to save my breath.

If, like Gloria, you are struggling with the relationship you share with your daughter there are some things that you can do to start healing.  First say the serenity prayer a few times.  And then start practicing these eight tips for creating a more positive Mother-Daughter relationship:

1.  Don't criticize.  This is the primary complaint adult daughters have about their mothers.  Sadly, a mother's efforts to motivate self-improvement will often make a daughter feel hurt and inadequate.  Daughters need their mothers to view them as competent adults and beautiful women.  All you have to tell your daughter is “you are wonderful.”  Practice that.  And then keep your mouth shut. 

2.  Allow your daughter to see you as the whole person you really are.  Tell her about your childhood and the relationship you shared with your own mother.  Share your disappointments and joys. 

3.  Build a positive connection.  Use email, texting, and other technology to break old communication patterns.  Suggest that you both read a book or watch a movie with a Mother-Daughter theme and then discuss it.  Create a Mother-Daughter tradition or take your daughter on a Mother-Daughter retreat.

4.  Be supportive.  Listen.  Empathize.  And avoid giving advice that reflects your values or desires instead of hers.  Ask questions to help her to figure out what she wants to do.  Accept your daughter’s life decisions - even if you disagree with them.  Let her make her own mistakes and find her own way through tough situations.  

5.  Check-it-out.  Before you do anything for your daughter or intervene in anyway check it out with her and see if this is really what she wants.  Remember the Golden Rule - do unto others as you would like to be done unto does NOT apply.  Instead, do unto your daughter, as she wants to be done unto.  The only way you will know this is to ask her what she wants.

6.  Be willing to apologize.  Every mother makes mistakes.  (Yes, even Gloria.)  Let your daughter know that you are aware that your parenting mistakes, while made with no ill intentions, may have caused her distress. And, it is that distress that you are apologizing for.

7.  Accept that your daughter is an adult so that you can move beyond her adolescence.  To a 5 year old, Mom is a Goddess.  But ten years later, 15-year-olds regularly see their mothers as wicked dimwits.  As a Mother-Daughter relationship continues to evolve dependencies should change.  Ultimately, Mom is supposed to becomes a supportive ally.  Those early patterns, however, often continue to influence us.  And, some mother-daughter relationships stay stuck in adolescence - fraught with hurt, disappointment, disconnection, conflict, and the old control and rebellion pattern. 

8.  Be willing to do the work.  Mothers indirectly teach their daughters how to treat them.  And, mothers also set examples for how daughters will allow themselves to be treated.  So, in order to improve the Mother-Daughter bond the mother has to do more of the work.  Sadly, this is a task some mothers, like Gloria, seem unwilling to accept. 

As a woman and as mediator, I am intrigued by how the mother-daughter bond can bring both conflict and contentment.  Many of us struggle with the relationship that we share with our mothers and many of us struggle with the relationships that we share with our daughters.  For many women, the mother-daughter connection is life's most demoralizing relationship.  However, our powerful and primal mother-daughter relationships can bring us unique insight and understanding.  Mothers and daughters often serve as mirrors for each other.  We teach our daughters to be women and we shape their lives by giving them our ideas about love, family, work, and connection.  Ultimately, the things we would like to change in our daughters are frequently the things we dislike most about ourselves.  So, take a long look in the mirror before you tell your daughter anything.  And, then have a Happy Mothers’ Day.

Egos and Emotions: The Three Things You Need To Know About Conflict and Conflict Management

What do The Beatles, Joe Robbie Stadium, and Friendster have in common? They were all destroyed by conflict. Our conflicts, which are the inevitable and natural outgrowth of working and living together, can be very productive or very destructive. And, of all the competencies necessary for success in life, the ability to manage interpersonal conflict is one of the most critical. My 22 years of working with people in conflict provided the foundation of my philosophy of conflict. Here are the three essentials components of my conflict philosophy that you need to know:

1. Under every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected - basically devalued. And, while there is no consensus on the definition of conflict I find conflict is best defined as “a result of differences in perception regarding what is and what could or should be.” So, when faced with conflict my first step is to look at the perceptions and the emotions involved.

2. Effective conflict managers use conflict to promote positive growth, solve problems, engage in brainstorming, improve relationships, lessen tension, and eliminate long-standing problems. On the other hand, when conflict is not managed properly it can destroy you, your family, or your organization. In my own life, when my commitment to a relationship is high I am willing to walk through the ugly tunnel of conflict to clear the air and get a positive result.

3. I believe, practice, and teach nine critical conflict management strategies. Everyone should know how to use these strategies - The inner circle; The safe space; Shared vision/values and complementary skills/traits; 5 Negotiation styles; UVP: What's in it for me; External, internal and purpose driven motivation; Difficult conversations; The power of the apology; and Delegate this task.

Having a conflict management framework in place will provide you with a guide for addressing conflict when stress is high and allow you to act as a mediator for the fights and feuds of those around you. Stay tuned. There's more to follow.

Conflict Managment Predictions For 2010

Recently I was asked to make conflict related predictions for 2010. Here is what I said.

In 2010, as resources become tighter, we will encounter more conflicts in our personal and professional lives and this trend will be mirrored on the local, national, and international stages. The new economy will continue to foster the creation of innovative services by entrepreneurs who are able to side-step the traditional attorney-driven model of conflict management. The majority of these services will be technology based, allowing people to access information that they will use in DIY models or with reduced fee service providers.

Additionally, here are my top 3 Conflict Managment predictions for 2010

1. Mediation will be used to resolve many of our current foreclosure and related mortgage problems.

2. Terminated employees will bring law suits against their former employers in record numbers. Most of these cases will be treated as nuisance matters and settled for small sums.

3. Media circus divorces (Jon and Kate) will continue to lose in popularity with celebrity couples choosing instead to use the confidential process of mediation to negotiate their break-ups. The public will continue to follow suit.

Fighting Through Divorce

Often, when I tell someone the name of my business - A Friendly Divorce - they laugh. "A Friendly Divorce? Ha, Ha. That's an oxymoron." Others think we only help couples that are already friendly. And, they wonder how much business we could possibly do if our target market is divorcing couples that get along. In fact, very few of our clients walk into our office feeling friendly. Our goal is to turn that around and get them to a place where friendly (or at least polite) is possible. And, we know that a fight serves a purpose for a divorcing couple and a part of the process. Of course, we believe that the fight is best staged in our office and not in a courtroom with attorney assistance. Why do couples going through divorce fight? Well, the fight serves five purposes.

1. To enable the partners to determine if reconciliation is possible.
2. To expose past hurts.
3. To confirm that the spouse is no longer part of the team and instead wants to take care of him/her self.
4. To keep the connection alive until the lessor connected partner is ready to let go.
5. To enable each spouse to avoid looking at her/herself and their individual failures. By pointing the finger at the other spouse, each partner can lessen his/her guilt and feelings of failure.
6. To promote letting go.

Keep in mind that each divorce, each couple, and each fight is unique. So some of this be more relevant in some cases then in others. However, there is always some version of the fight and if we can help a couple structure their fight and make it more productive there is a better chance for a productive dialogue as they move through the process of divorce and into their future relationship as co-parents. If instead the fight is driven by attorneys in a court setting they miss much of this opportunity for self-discovery and closure.

Two Sides To Every Story

Q: How do you deal with an employee who doesn't get along with the rest of the staff? There are seven women working in close proximity. One woman refuses to take her lunch break with the others. She will not talk to them either. This attitude makes the six other employees uncomfortable. What ideas do you have to alleviate this problem?

Read my answer, my newest contribution to Entrepreneur.com at
http://www.entrepreneur.com/ask/answer12870.html

Conflict Expert.

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino just said (Sunday 11/30/08 10:30am on CNN) that "the media is addicted to conflict and it keeps the ratings up." She is of course correct. And now is the perfect time for the media to bring depth to some of those conflicts by having a conflict expert provide commentary. And, yes, I am available. "Wait a minute" you say. "You are a mediator." True, but, I am NOT living on Mediator Island singing kumbaya. Some mediators choose this profession because they are uncomfortable with conflict and ultimately their goal is to ameliorate it. If you know me, you know that is not where I am coming from. I love being in the trenches, analyzing the nuances of a conflict and helping determine the best way to hold and frame a heated discussion. I never encourage pseudo-peace. Instead, I find the dynamics of conflict and honest, up-front dialogue that focuses on defining the past, present and future aspects of a conflict fascinating. So, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, PBS, ABC, CBS, one of you, please give me a call.

Sage Advice

In the last few days the signs have been everywhere. And, they are all pointing to this blog. All of the sage advice is saying - YOUR MUST HAVE A BLOG. So, here I am. Welcome to my blog.

My name is Dr. Elinor Robin. I am a mediator, mediation trainer and emerging media personality. (Susan Dubow, who will hereafter - in this blog - be known as Susan, my best friend and training partner at Mediation Training Group, calls me a media whore. But Emerging Media Personality is much more accurate - don't you think?

Anyway, in addition to training others to mediate, I mediate workplace disputes (mostly for the US Postal Service and the EEOC) AND I mediate divorces and related matters with my husband and partner David Spofford. We call our mediation practice A Friendly Divorce - www.AFriendlyDivorce.com. No, its not an oxy-moron. Our co-mediation model is unique in that we bring both a male-female balance and an uncommon mix of legal and psychological expertise to the mediation table. Additionally, we take our clients one more step, preparing all of their necessary court documents so our one-stop-shop (OK, all inclusive service) allows them to then go in front of the court for an uncontested divorce.

My media activities currently revolve around my radio shows which are heard on WWNN Radio -1470AM (www.wwnnradio.com - click on Listen Live) in South Florida. I am on Monday and Thursday nights from 8 to 9pm with The Dr Elinor Robin Show. Then on Sunday mornings from 10-11am I do a show called "What's Your Beef?" with Susan. This show gives us and the listeners a chance to vent, rant, and rave about whats wrong with the world. Then from 11-noon I host the MysticHolistic Hour. Thanks to my Executive Producer Rick Seid we have a steady stream of mystics and holistics (everything from Tarot Card readers to Chiropractors) who come to the studio with their individual methods for knowing and healing.

Radio is not my only media outlet. I also write some on-line and in print columns which focus on different aspects of personal and professional growth, relationships and conflicts. You can find me anywhere from www.WomenEntrepreneur.com (part of Entrepreneur Magazine) to The Solution News - www.thesolutionnews.com - a local newspaper serving the recovery community.

As time goes on I promise I will divulge much more. So stay tuned.

Best, Elinor