Two Sides To Every Story

Q: How do you deal with an employee who doesn't get along with the rest of the staff? There are seven women working in close proximity. One woman refuses to take her lunch break with the others. She will not talk to them either. This attitude makes the six other employees uncomfortable. What ideas do you have to alleviate this problem?

Read my answer, my newest contribution to Entrepreneur.com at
http://www.entrepreneur.com/ask/answer12870.html

The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right

Each year, over two million brides and grooms come to their weddings full of love and hopeful expectations. Sadly, for many, "the honeymoon" is soon over and statisticians tell us that couples today have a less than even chance of staying together. Worse yet, many of those who do stay together, stay in misery - in marriages that have disintegrated into lonely unions plagued with disappointments.

Friends, relatives, and parents don't seem able to help young couples strengthen their marriage skills. Even if their marriages do work, these relations are typically not prepared to readily share the intimate details of their marital successes and failures.

Early on in my career as a divorce mediator I became fascinated with the relationship dynamics of the couples that came to me for help. I was interested in finding what had happened to move them away from believing that they would live together, happily ever after. I wanted to see and understand where their relationships had gone wrong and I had a rare vantage point.

So I started putting my thoughts and observations onto paper and ultimately, my notes became a book. Today, I believe that it is possible to counteract and avoid many of the pitfalls that destroy our marriages. However, it appears that it is critical that things start off right. Once the damage is done, it is almost impossible to go back and repair the bond - to reattach emotionally.

My book is titled "The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right." Clearly, there is both a need and a market for this book; the book stores have lots of books for planning the wedding, and volumes on fixing a bad relationship, but little on how to start a marriage. Accordingly, I really want to get my message out. But, I am told that until the economy turns around and the publishing business is back and clamoring for new titles, publishing the book will be very difficult. So I decided to post the book on this blog, in segments, over the next few months. Please stay tuned.

Year End Review

Every year, since 1990, I have prepared a year end review. I find the practice very beneficial. What I do is simply create a written snap-shot of where I am - my impressions - of each area/aspect of my life and the major players in my immediate inner circle. This year I am going to add the following questions to my review. I cannot take credit for these questions. They came to me from my fellow MasterMinder, business coach Nanette Saylor, who credits them to coach, Milana Leshinsky.

- What's your biggest business objective in 2009?

- What's your biggest personal objective in 2009?

- Where are your biggest opportunities right now?

- Where do you see a gap in your market, what's not being offered?

- What do your customers and clients complain about?

- Where are you leaving money on the table?

- What new revenue streams can you easily add next year?

- What are your top 3 time eaters and energy drainers?

- What is your "Biggest Opportunity Project" for 2009?

- What are the top 5 marketing strategies you'll focus on?

- How will you know you've had a great year?

Thursday Night 10pm

I am getting a ton of holiday cards this year. Most of them are so blah, so impersonal. Why bother if it doesn't express your true sentiments or your essence? What a waste of time, money, and paper. Bah humbug!

Tonight was the final episode of our AM radio show. Yes - I am so ready to give it up but still have mixed feelings. Oh well - onward and upward.

CME tomorrow and we have a big crowd coming. Better get to sleep. Nighty, night.

What is Mediation?

Behind almost every human conflict someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. There are five basic strategies that we humans use in response to conflict and the emotions it triggers. The strategies are to avoid, accommodate, combat, compromise, or collaborate. Only compromising and collaborating provide both a benefit to the relationship and a focus on attaining an individual goal. However, when we are emotionally triggered it is often difficult to compromise or collaborate and instead we go into fight, flight or freeze mode and we avoid, accommodate, or combat. One of the mediator's jobs is to take parties in conflict away from avoid, accommodate, or combat and bring them to compromise and/or collaborate. The process is often not pretty. In fact, it can be downright ugly. However, an effective mediator will know how to lead the parties through the muck by setting the stage, gathering information, defining the issues, developing an agenda, facilitating the discussion, and generating movement using a variety of investigative and persuasive techniques that are geared towards opening the parties minds and hearts and removing their blinders.

As you know I am on a mission to change the way we look at conflict and divorce. Here is my most recent contribution to the cause - http://www.lawcrossing.com/article/index.php?id=4755

Conflict Expert.

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino just said (Sunday 11/30/08 10:30am on CNN) that "the media is addicted to conflict and it keeps the ratings up." She is of course correct. And now is the perfect time for the media to bring depth to some of those conflicts by having a conflict expert provide commentary. And, yes, I am available. "Wait a minute" you say. "You are a mediator." True, but, I am NOT living on Mediator Island singing kumbaya. Some mediators choose this profession because they are uncomfortable with conflict and ultimately their goal is to ameliorate it. If you know me, you know that is not where I am coming from. I love being in the trenches, analyzing the nuances of a conflict and helping determine the best way to hold and frame a heated discussion. I never encourage pseudo-peace. Instead, I find the dynamics of conflict and honest, up-front dialogue that focuses on defining the past, present and future aspects of a conflict fascinating. So, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, PBS, ABC, CBS, one of you, please give me a call.

Change Again?

I love listening to Sirius Satellite radio in my car. And, I have my own show on terrestrial AM radio. Sadly, it seems both of these mediums are on their way out. http://itmanagement.earthweb.com/features/article.php/3786146. I don't have an MP3 player - or any player for that matter. And, I don't know what the difference is between an iPod and an MP3 player. Anyway, even though Susan and I are pretty much techno-dummies it looks like we will be moving our radio show to internet radio in early 2009. Is this progress or just change for change sake?

And, speaking of change, this year for the first time my sister and I will not be cooking Thanksgiving dinner. We are both really tired; there is a lot on our plates. So, I am going to buy a ready made turkey and 10 of us will eat it in her house. Once, years ago, we ate in a restaurant on Thanksgiving. That was not for me. I eat out so much, Thanksgiving is the one day I don't want to be in a restaurant. And, there are no real leftovers when you eat in a restaurant. Where are you going for Thanksgiving? Why is this Thanksgiving different?

The following list comes from a somewhat shocking email I just received. The email carried a warning about buying gift cards from stores that will soon be out of business. Some of these stores have been around for as long as I can remember. Is this Darwinian - with just the strongest and best retailers surviving - or one more sign of impending doom?

Circuit City - filed Chapter 11
Ann Taylor - closing 117 stores nationwide
Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug ,and Catherine's - closing 150 stores nationwide
Eddie Bauer - closing 27 stores, with more expected to close after January
Cache - will close all stores
Talbots - closing specialty stores
J. Jill and Pacific Sunwear (owned by Talbots) - closing all stores
The GAP - closing 85 stores
Footlocker - closing 140 stores, with more expected to close after January
Wickes Furniture - closing
Levitz Furniture - closing remaining stores
Bombay Furniture - closing remaining stores
Zales - closing 82 stores and another 105 after January
Whitehall - closing all stores
Piercing Pagoda - closing all stores
Disney - closing 98 stores, with expected to close after January
Home Depot - closing 15 stores
Macys - closing 9 stores after January
Linens and Things - closing all stores
Movie Galley - closing all stores
Pep Boys - closing 33 stores
Sprint/Nextel - closing 133 stores
JC Penney - planned closings after January
Ethan Allen - closing 12 stores
Wilson Leather - closing all stores
Sharper Image - closing all stores
K B Toys - closing 356 stores
Loews - closing some stores
Dillard's - closing some stores

Please pray for Barack Obama. He may be our only hope.

I cannot adequately explain the joy I receive from my dogs Stella and Roscoe - they are an amazing gift. And, so I am asking you to please consider adopting a dog or cat from a shelter. The economic crisis has forced many people to give up there pets and the shelters are at maximum capacity. Adopt a pet, I guarantee that your rewards will be much greater then any costs invovled.