Millions of families won't be together this Thanksgiving because of fights, feuds and old resentments. On Thursday night, after we have stuffed ourselves full of turkey and the related trimmings, my daughter Sari and I will host my radio show - live. We will be discussing family estrangements and how you can make sure that misunderstandings and unmet expectations don't destroy the bonds that connect you to the ones you love. Anyway, in case you miss the show, here are my tips for getting along with your relatives over the holidays.
1. Be a good guest. Respect your host’s property and possessions. Clean up after yourself and your kids. Don’t bring your pets unless they are specifically requested. Don’t expect your host to monitor your children. Visiting your relatives should not signal a vacation from being a parent. Instead, watch your kids and make sure that they also respect property and possessions.
2. If you are the host whose property and possessions are not respected, ask for what you need. Its almost impossible to be both babysitter and chief cook and bottle washer at the same time. But, unless you ask for help and then allow others to provide it, the burden will fall on you and your resentment will grow. If you ask for help and it's not forthcoming let your guests know that this year the holidays were too much for you and next year you will be coming to them instead.
3. Avoid excessive drinking. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and can leave your family open to a fiasco. When the others hit the bottle a little too hard that should be your signal to go home or go catch a movie.
4. If you really don’t want to go – don’t. However, do not wait until the last minute to cancel. Give your relatives time to make alternative plans.
5. Discuss the gift situation in advance and make plans so that everyone understands your position. Simplify gift giving by using cash or gift cards. Some families do only the kids, others pick one name from a hat, or maybe you will all buy your own gifts and do show and tell.
6. Under most family conflicts someone feels dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or disenfranchised. Make sure that you include everyone in the planning, preparation, and festivities. Try to be equal in your gift giving to avoid slighting anyone. If for some reason this is not appropriate or possible, do your giving at a time when you and the receiver will have complete privacy.
7. If you are carrying around a resentment from the past address it - in private - with the other person. Follow my 10-Step Plan for Ending Feuds and Building Connections - http://www.transformations.ws/themediationproject/learnmore/4.html
8. Assign a family mediator and even if s/he is a natural get him/her some additional training.
9. Lower your expectations - for everything - from expecting feelings of happiness and joy to cooking the perfect meal. Do not expect others to get it perfectly right either. Don't take it personally if someone fails to send you a card or gift this year.
10. Email me if you need immediate assistance - elinorobin@aol.com.
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With the holidays upon us it's great to have a calm voice guiding us through what can be a very trying time. And finally, a professional who gives us permission not to see our family over the holidays! Thank you! I love my family and always want to see them, but many of my friends have tortured relations and would prefer to come over to my happy home for the holidays! Now I can tell them they've got permission to ditch the drama and come celebrate!
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