Affairs

This post is a work in progress. Stay tuned.

Affairs almost always serve a purpose. An affair can be a wake-up call, a death knell, a cry for help, a way-out, an affirmation, a pain-reliever, a temporary escape from reality, a plan for avoiding divorce, or a way to get one's needs met. (And, I mean emotional, not physical, needs - because affairs are not really about the sex.) Affairs do not happen in healthy marriages, they happen in sick marriages - especially when one or both partners do not want to face the sickness or the dysfunction of their marriage. (Facing the sickness involves both acknowledging it and working to heal it.)

Each affair is different. But, there are some patterns or themes common to most affairs. These similarities have enabled researchers to identify xx types of affairs, with different motivators.

"The Grass Is Greener" (also known as "The Facebook Affair"). This affair happens when someone in a lack luster marriage finds an old (or new) flame, gets excited, has illusions of a lost soul mate, and wants to try it out. The couple meets, has a magnificent weekend, complete with high excitement sex, and decides to take things to the next level. Eventually the high wears off and so a significant percentage of these affairs do not work out. Often the straying spouse comes back and asks for a re-do. A couple can then turn this affair around and work on their marriage; go back to the status quo, with increased trust issues; or walk away – sometimes the dumped spouse becomes the dumper who says "I wont take you back." This affair does give people the chance to see what their lives would look like without their marriage and helps them decide which way they want to go.

The Married Man. The married man affair is complex triangle that revolves around a married man who has done the "right" thing, put others first, and secretly feels that he has sacrificed his own happiness. So, he finds a single woman who thinks he is wonderful (frequently, she is a woman who has never been married) and together they engage in a serious, long-term, and passionate affair. The mistress learns the intimate details of his marriage and waits semi-patiently for her turn. But, typically, these men do not leave as leaving would not be "right" AND the affair gives the married man the best of both worlds. These affairs end when/if the mistress becomes resentful.