Pastor Bob: No One Should Have Expected Otherwise

Earlier this month, Pastor Bob Coy, the charismatic leader of Fort Lauderdale’s Calvary Chapel, abruptly “resigned” over what the church is calling a “moral failing.”  Pastor Bob started the church in 1985 and grew it into one of the biggest, richest, and fastest-growing mega-churches in the U.S.  (According to Reuters the church has about 20,000 members and more than $135 million in assets.)

While the whole story has yet to come to light, it now appears that Bob’s "moral failing" was connected to adultery and pornography.  According to the faith blog, Phoenix Preacher, Coy "admitted to at least two affairs in the past year alone and has had a longstanding problem with pornography."  Oh well.  Certainly, this is not a new story.  Bob is just one in a long line of preachers who have fallen from grace. 

Eventually, Bob may make a come-back.  And, that will be interesting to watch.  But, for now, he’s proven three of my universal laws. 

1.  Your greatest strength is your greatest weakness.  As I see it, strengths and weaknesses are two sides of the same coin.  Most traits can present as either an asset or a liability, depending on the situation and the observer.  (For example, if you are wise and intuitive, you might also come across as a know-it-all.  If you are gentle and kind you may also be seen as weak.)  Bob was driven by the fire of emotion, passion, and power.  As long as he had it contained and directed he was able to accomplish amazing entrepreneurial and spiritual feats.  However, left unchecked, his emotion, passion, and power did him in. 

2.  You are who you are.  Nobody changes.  An oak tree is an oak tree; you cannot turn it into a palm tree.  Yes, the oak tree grows and matures.  And, in winter its leaves fall off and die; in spring it blossoms with rebirth.  But, it’s still an oak tree.  Bob was a wild man.  He came to Florida from Las Vegas where he used cocaine and managed a strip joint.  We should not be surprised that he went back to his roots.  If you want to be different you need to pay constant, conscious attention to what and who you want to be.

3.  Everyone needs someone to talk to.  I know nothing about Bob’s marriage but I know that marriages get stale.  After 20 years of marriage, few of us view our partners through eyes of newness and wonder.  And working overtime to keep up with a high powered life is exhausting.  Bob’s 20,000 congregants could bask in his glow but his wife had to see things differently.  After all, she knew he farted.  However, Bob’s alpha-male ego must have needed a lot of stroking.  And my guess is there was no place he could go to take off his Pastor Bob mask and be nurtured.

I have been a professional mediator for almost 25 years.  During that time I have developed what I call mediator mind, a way of looking at things that includes understanding, and sometimes justifying, even the most outrageous acts.  So, I think I get poor Bob.  He made a big mess.  But, no one should have expected otherwise because his greatest strength is his greatest weakness, he is who he is, and he needed someone to talk to.

I was not dog crazy until I met my Stella

Six years ago, as David and I were on our way to stock-up at Costco, I felt a pull. Something was directing me to pass the store and keep going. “Let’s go to the humane society, I’ve got a funny feeling” I said. “OK” David responded, humoring me. We already had two elderly cats and they provided some real barriers to bringing any other animals home. Clearly he assumed we would be lookers, not takers.

At the shelter, we walked up and down the rows of cages, visiting with the inmates sitting in their sad death row cells. One of the wardens approached us. I told her about our cats. She was quiet for a few seconds and then she ushered us past the rows of cages and into the cat room. There, clearly out of place, amongst all the caged kittens, was a spunky black and white puppy in a big cage. The attendant opened the cage. The puppy dashed out, much more interested in her new freedom than in us. She ran around in circles – clearly delighted to have sprung the coop. I took her “cat room” confines as an omen. “We’ll take her" I said. David stood there, too shocked to speak.

A few days later, when the paperwork was complete, we left the shelter with our Stella. The attendant beamed and my eyes welled up with tears as she looked at us and said “see, sometimes life starts out tough and then it all works out really well.” I knew Stella was one lucky puppy and we would give her a good life.

During the last six years, both David and I have both built strong bonds with Stella who is a master communicator. Her boarder collie genes prepared her to communicate with the sheep herder and primed her to use emotion, hers and ours, instead of words. She is able to read us and to get her message across with amazing accuracy. Stella often acts as my sounding board, listening as I work things out. And, she teaches us about life and ourselves by mirroring those hidden traits we are not comfortable exposing.

Here are the three things Stella wants you to know.

1. Shelter dogs are the best dogs. Do not buy a dog from a pet store as most of them were bred in puppy mills. If you must, find a reputable breeder but that should be your second choice – for a variety of reasons.

2. Communities that don’t allow animal companions are missing out. A loyal dog or cat can change an elderly person’s outlook on life. And, by opening up to pets you expand the pool of potential buyers for property resale and so increase property values. Do not live in a community that doesn’t allow pets, something is wrong with people who don’t want animals around.

3. Life is full of delicious surprises. So get out there, smell around, and find them. And, then share the news – there is always something to bark about.

Five years ago we expanded our family and adopted another dog, so Stella would have a playmate. Our beloved Roscoe is not as brilliant a communicator as Stella but he is gentle and loving and a valued addition to our family.

Aging: The Last Frontier: My Notes On Being An Elder In A Changing World

Last week David and I attended a magical weekend gathering - The Mankind Project's USA Gathering of Elders in Indianola, Iowa. Most of MKP's events are "men only" so this was a rare opportunity to share the energy of this powerful community and the coming together of elder women and men. Robert Moore was the key note speaker. Bill Kauth and Zoe Alowan gave a thought provoking presentation. And, I participated in a women-only retreat entitled Aging-to-Saging led by Rosemary Cox based on the work of Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi. Here are my take-away points:

1. As a people and a planet, we are shifting into a new consciousness. This ordeal, which includes an unprecedented economic and spiritual crisis, is going to continue into the next decade. The good news is that never before in history have there been so many resources.

2. Elders can help others deal with the new reality. But, we'll need the energy and courage to act. Amidst the bearers of despair we need to be the bearers of hope. We need to ask "how are we going to create, build, and occupy our new world?"

3. We have been colonized by the military, financial, medical, agricultural, religious, and industrial complexes. This colonization is about empire building. (The young people protesting in the middle-east (and Occupy for that matter) could have chosen to be terrorists. Instead, they chose to take a stand against Empire.)

4. Robert Moore's name for the Universal Energy Force is "The Great It." He says "It" cannot be named. But "It" is in you and you are "It." All we need to do is let the energy of "It" shine through us. (BTW, "It" doesn't like empire building.)

5. Elder versus elderly. Aging is the process of becoming the final product of creation. 55-75 is the liberation phase, 67-90 is the summing up phase. Do we see the aging population as a resource or as a problem?

6. Every generation becomes flavored with the essence of its time. And, the brain rewires itself to fulfill the role we play in society.

7. We live too short and we die too long.

8. Exercise increases blood flow and oxygen to the brain. In addition to exercise, learning something new, mental stimulation, and new experiences are good for the brain. Visit Lumosity for computer games for the brain.

9. Forgiveness is a part of the elder's process of life review and life repair. Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves - whether we are forgiving ourselves or someone else. The goal of forgiveness is to free ourselves to live more freely and to become more inwardly vibrant. Without forgiveness we perpetuate grief, stay fixated on the past, and remain connected to the "offender." Just by saying "I want to forgive ___" we change the pathways in the brain. The feeling can then catch up to the choice. The path to forgiveness can be a long journey. Honor the feelings - don't deny them or you bury them alive. "I forgive myself. I was just young."

10. I was disappointed there was no mention of Susan Jacoby's book Never Say Die: The Myth and Marketing Of The New Old Age. Maybe at next years USAGE or MKP's World Elder Gathering 2013 in Australia.

All manner of good things will come to you now. Blessings, Elinor

Thirty Five Years of Mediation: Why Haven't We Come Farther?

With Co-author/Guest blogger Professor Susan F. Dubow

The history:

Using mediation to resolve disputes can be traced, across a variety of cultures, to biblical and ancient times. In this country, the founding fathers recognized the process but mediation did not have a valid place in American policy until 1946 when the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service (FMCS) was formed to resolve labor disputes. During the 1960s the seeds for paradigm shifts and social change were planted and cultivated. The civil rights, feminist, environmental, and peace movements were born. There was dissatisfaction with governmental and other institutions and the courts were backlogged. A push for a better way to resolve disputes ensued.

In 1976 Chief Justice Warren Burger held a conference and ceremony to commemorate the 70th anniversary of legal scholar Roscoe Pound’s presentation The Causes of Popular Dissatisfaction with the Administration of Justice to the American Bar Association. Pound’s paper of 1906 changed the direction of the American courts. At the Pound Conference of 1976 legal scholars met to brainstorm possible improvements to the American legal system. The potential of the mediation process was acknowledged and Chief Justice Berger “blessed” the start of the ADR movement. That was 35 years ago. Today, the average person and the average legislator still don't really understand or appreciate the concept or how mediation can be best utilized.

Together, Susan and I have spent more than a half century in the mediation industry and during the last eleven years we’ve trained more than 10,000 professionals in the mediation process. We believe tremendous brain power and effort has been devoted to the process and profession. But, ultimately when we compare mediation to other things that have been around since the mid-1970s we are disappointed. We ask ourselves “what went wrong?” “Why haven't we come further?” “Why hasn’t mediation made it into the “cultural mind?” We spend a lot of time asking ourselves and other mediators these questions.

As we see it, there are nine things wrong with the mediation picture.

1. When the human animal (like other animals) feels threatened the initial response is fight, flight or freeze. People in conflict want blood, vengeance, and validation. Asking someone in conflict to collaborate is contrary to biology. Mediators have not found a way around the physiology.

2. Most mediators are not able to create and maintain an environment safe enough for true collaboration. Mediation horror stories abound. People often emerge from the process feeling railroaded and coerced.

3. Even after thirty five years there is still reluctance on the part of the legal industry to accept the mediation process as a stand-alone method of dispute resolution. Instead mediation is often viewed as a component of the litigation process. (Is mediation still perceived as McJustice or is there a fear that mediation will cut into the finances and power the status quo affords?)

4. Advocacy is much sexier than peacemaking. Remember, super-heros don’t sit down and work-it-out with the bad guys.

5. There is no American Mediation Association. Without a national organization no one is there to give us a unified voice, protect our legislative interests, or promote good mediation PR.

6. Mediators work in a wide range of niche markets, facing different issues and interests. (For instance, mediators in the financial services arena operate in a different world and with a different world view than those who provide Victim-Offender Mediation.)

7. Baseball, Middle-East, and other highly visible mediation processes often bring no resolution.

8. The results of the mediation process are typically narrow. Until we can broaden the effect and actually provide transformation the participants and the public have nothing to talk about. And, without that buzz we are going nowhere.

9. While many mediators are persuasive magicians, capable of amazingly altering perceptions, ultimately we mediators suffer from a unique form of low self-esteem. Many of us refuse to even embrace the title “Mediator.” Instead we identify ourselves and each other as Attorney-Mediator, Therapist-Mediator, Non-Lawyer Mediator, etc. Do we see ourselves as bit players along the Conflict Management Continuum? Is it conflict phobia that fuels the burning desire to eradicate conflict? Or is there another reason that so many of us are willing to work as volunteers, more invested in the outcome than the clients we serve?

Just consider this:

A Westernized form of Hindu meditative techniques arrived in the United States and Europe in the 1960s. A 2007 study by the U.S. government found that nearly 9.4% of U.S. adults (over 20 million) had practiced meditation within the past 12 months, up from 7.6% (more than 15 million people) in 2002. Why has meditation done so much better at going mainstream than mediation?

Steve Jobs founded Apple Computers in 1976. If he had been at the Pound Conference instead of in his garage working on his computer where do you think the mediation process would be today? Who among us has the Jobs-like vision that will be necessary to take us to the next level?

Clearly, current shifts in almost every aspect of our society – economic, familial, political, and environmental – point to the need for a new problem-solving mechanism and mediation just might be an idea whose time has come. So stay tuned. Our next article will focus on what each of us can do so that we are not having the same discussion ten, twenty, or thirty years from now?

Susan F. Dubow, a pioneer in the field of Alternative Dispute Resolution, served as the Director of the Court Mediation and Arbitration Program, the ADR Division of the 17th Judicial Circuit, Broward County, for over 22 years. She is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator and Primary Mediation Trainer and a member of the Florida Supreme Court's Mediator Ethics Advisory Committee. Susan is an Adjunct Professor at Nova Southeastern University's Shepard Broad Law Center, President and CEO of Mediation Training Group, and a Past-president of both The Association of South Florida Mediators and Arbitrators (ASFMA) and The Florida Academy of Professional Mediators (FAPM.)

North Central Florida Mediators

We (the host committee Linda Chapman, Martha Johnston, Kevin Lunsford, and me - Elinor Robin) are holding the kick-off meeting of the Association of North Central Florida Mediators today at noon at the Northwest Grille, which is located at 5115 NW 39th Ave, Gainesville.  Please join us.

Moving Through The Crisis

At a recent meeting of The Mental Health Professionals of Boca Raton, a group of local therapists brainstormed ideas on how we can best guide our clients through the current crisis. There was a lot of wisdom at that meeting and this is what we came up with.

We are currently living through financial, real estate and health crises. The stock market and banks are in upheaval, the real estate market is a disaster, unemployment is at an all time high, and in addition to the health care mess we are facing a possible pandemic. This is enough to push almost anyone over the edge.

Ann Toback Bair, LCSW, calls our current situation a “crisis of trust.” Sadly, there have been serious breaches of trust and many of us have lost faith in our leaders, our institutions, each other and, for some, our selves.

The financial crisis has triggered a lot of shame. Those who have lost their homes, their jobs, and their available credit often feel driven to point the finger of blame at their spouses, family members, and friends. Loss brings back childhood insecurities, leaving us with a diminished capacity and a tendency to act out negatively.

However, there are things you can do to avoid falling victim to the negativity. Strategies for getting though the current crisis fall into two categories - action strategies and attitude strategies.

Action Strategies

1. Create a concrete plan of action. List your personal resources and then conceptualize the strategies that you will utilize during the next month, 6 months and year ahead.

2. Become an activist. Get involved with something that is going to make a difference.

3. Commune. Connect with your neighbors and members of your community. Avoid isolation. Start or join a support group or a meet-up. Have a Bar-b-q – serve hot dogs, not steak. Make time for sharing breakfast. It’s critical to remember that you are not alone.

4. Meditate and breathe. When we are anxious we tend to hold our breath. Using a breathing meditation allows us to take in more oxygen. And, more oxygen allows us to think more clearly.

5. Stay busy. Find free activities. Take a walk. Visit the park or the beach.

6. Find more creative ways for finding the goods and services you need. Barter. Recycle. Negotiate. Create.

Attitude Strategies

1. Start the morning with a positive affirmation.

2. Focus on the ways that the glass of your life is half (or more) full.

3. Avoid comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides. For example, you know your 401K is in the toilet. Don’t assume that the same is not true for your neighbor or brother-in-law. When you think of yourself as the only victim you further feed the negative emotions.

4. See crisis as an opportunity to shift gears.

5. Accept those around you as they are. Focus instead on what can be changed in your and your attitudes.

6. Don’t dwell on your losses, mourn them and let them go.

A special thank you to the meeting participants: Ann Toback Bair, LCSW, Barbara Jacob, LMHC, Mark Levinsky, LMHC, Susan Ames, CLU, ChFC, Erica Goodstone, PhD, LMHC, Lisheyna Hurvitz, LMHC, Lillian Alper, LCSW, Susan Lander, MSW, Irv Nadler, PhD, Robin Goldstein, EdD, Beth Cutler, LMHC, CAP, and Julie Shuman, PsyD.