We have taken A Friendly Divorce to the next level. A Friendly Divorce is now a statewide network of Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediators who are providing one-stop divorce mediation and document preparation services to couples that want to make their divorces as easy and as painless as possible. Take a look at www.AFriendlyDivorce.com
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Pre-marital Question
Dear Dr Elinor,
I am about to get married. Do you think premarital counseling is worth the effort?
Brenda
Yes!!! I am a believer. Pre-marital counseling and pre-marital education can provide a benefit to every couple as well as to society as a whole.
As I see it, before the state issues a marriage license, the parties involved should have to prepare and sign a detailed contract. If you cannot sit down with your beloved and hold a conversation (while you are in the window of hormone induced connection) about (a) where you are, (b) where you want to go, and (c) how you plan on getting there, you will probably not be able to hold one of marriage's difficult conversations once the hormone rush is gone and the dulldrum of daily life has set in.
Of course these conversations should not end once the wedding is over. Every marriage could benefit from some kind of on-going counseling (or education), like the continuing education requirements for professionals.
I am about to get married. Do you think premarital counseling is worth the effort?
Brenda
Yes!!! I am a believer. Pre-marital counseling and pre-marital education can provide a benefit to every couple as well as to society as a whole.
As I see it, before the state issues a marriage license, the parties involved should have to prepare and sign a detailed contract. If you cannot sit down with your beloved and hold a conversation (while you are in the window of hormone induced connection) about (a) where you are, (b) where you want to go, and (c) how you plan on getting there, you will probably not be able to hold one of marriage's difficult conversations once the hormone rush is gone and the dulldrum of daily life has set in.
Of course these conversations should not end once the wedding is over. Every marriage could benefit from some kind of on-going counseling (or education), like the continuing education requirements for professionals.
Estranged Families
The topic of family estrangement has been an area of
special interest for me for many years. Here are my seven key points on the topic:
1. When the estrangement is between a parent and an adult child the parent must take responsibility and be willing to apologize for perceived or real hurts.
2. When a family member chooses estrangement they are giving a loud message that something is not right. This is their way of communicating that they feel dismissed, discounted, or disrespected.
3. A cooling-off period is often critical before any dialogue can begin.
4. Even if the person on the other side wont talk you can still keep the lines of communication open by sending periodic messages of support. Keep the message simple - "I will always love you and I will be there whenever you are ready."
5. Apologies have magical and cleansing properties. Think the apology through before you start or you may end in the wrong place. http://elinorrobin.com/apologies-magical-cleansing-healing-and-the-time-is-now/
6. Sometimes its too late. When the bonds are weakened sometimes there is nothing to do.
7. Follow my 10-step plan for ending feuds and rebuilding connections. http://ezinearticles.com/?The-10-Step-Plan-For-Ending-Feuds-and-Fights-and-Re-Building-Connection&id=3468153
I have written a lot on the subject of family estrangement. Please take a look at my website - www.ElinorRobin.com and this article http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Tips-For-Getting-Along-With-Your-Family-This-Holiday-Season&id=3363801
1. When the estrangement is between a parent and an adult child the parent must take responsibility and be willing to apologize for perceived or real hurts.
2. When a family member chooses estrangement they are giving a loud message that something is not right. This is their way of communicating that they feel dismissed, discounted, or disrespected.
3. A cooling-off period is often critical before any dialogue can begin.
4. Even if the person on the other side wont talk you can still keep the lines of communication open by sending periodic messages of support. Keep the message simple - "I will always love you and I will be there whenever you are ready."
5. Apologies have magical and cleansing properties. Think the apology through before you start or you may end in the wrong place. http://elinorrobin.com/apologies-magical-cleansing-healing-and-the-time-is-now/
6. Sometimes its too late. When the bonds are weakened sometimes there is nothing to do.
7. Follow my 10-step plan for ending feuds and rebuilding connections. http://ezinearticles.com/?The-10-Step-Plan-For-Ending-Feuds-and-Fights-and-Re-Building-Connection&id=3468153
I have written a lot on the subject of family estrangement. Please take a look at my website - www.ElinorRobin.com and this article http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Tips-For-Getting-Along-With-Your-Family-This-Holiday-Season&id=3363801
Monday, December 10, 2012
Year End Review
The end of the year is a perfect time for evaluation and fine-tuning
your direction and purpose. Writing your answers to the following
questions will help you in this task.
1. Look back on 2012, what obstacles have you overcome this year? What have you accomplished?
2. Your life is like a play. Some actors play a leading role and share the stage with you for long periods of time. Others go more quickly. When we start relationships we often cannot see how long someone will be there for. Sometimes we are the ones who decide who will stay on stage and who will go. Sometimes we have no control over the script. This year some of your key relationships may have completed their lines and moved on. Who has come and gone this year? Do you feel complete with these endings? What, if anything, do you need to do to fill the space that the departed actors left on your stage?
3. Make a list of the 5 most significant relationships in your life. Briefly describe each relationships' current status and where you would like to see this connection go in 2013.
4. What did you learn this year? How are you different today than you were on Jan 1, 2012?
5. What, if anything, is missing from your life?
6. How do you want the answers to these questions to be different on Dec 31, 2013? What are the steps you will take to make this happen?
1. Look back on 2012, what obstacles have you overcome this year? What have you accomplished?
2. Your life is like a play. Some actors play a leading role and share the stage with you for long periods of time. Others go more quickly. When we start relationships we often cannot see how long someone will be there for. Sometimes we are the ones who decide who will stay on stage and who will go. Sometimes we have no control over the script. This year some of your key relationships may have completed their lines and moved on. Who has come and gone this year? Do you feel complete with these endings? What, if anything, do you need to do to fill the space that the departed actors left on your stage?
3. Make a list of the 5 most significant relationships in your life. Briefly describe each relationships' current status and where you would like to see this connection go in 2013.
4. What did you learn this year? How are you different today than you were on Jan 1, 2012?
5. What, if anything, is missing from your life?
6. How do you want the answers to these questions to be different on Dec 31, 2013? What are the steps you will take to make this happen?
Monday, November 26, 2012
10-Minute Mediation: How To Manage Life's Fights and Feuds Before They Sabotage Your Sanity
My book, "10-Minute Mediation: How To Manage Life's Fights and Feuds Before They Sabotage Your Sanity" is still looking for a publisher. In the meantime, please "like" the Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/The10MinuteMediator. As news stories of conflicts gone wild continue to surface I am more convinced than ever before that this is a book whose time has come. In my mind, many recent tragedies could have been avoided if someone nearby had just a little mediation training. I will keep you posted.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Marital Mediation
Have you ever heard of Marital Mediation?
Marital Mediation is a process that uses mediation techniques to open and improve a couple's communications so that they can address areas of conflict and create a plan that outlines what each of them will do (and not do) in the future.
How the process of Marital Mediation is used will vary, depending on the mediator's skill set and philosophy. Typically, however, the process is:
* short term
* held in a multi-session format (I like a couple to commit to three 90-minute sessions with the potential of future follow-up)
* focused on problem solving, and
* concludes with the signing of a written agreement. (However, the process itself and the creating of the agreement is usually more valuable and important than the actual agreement.)
Recently, one of my Mediation Trainees posed this question to me:
I am working with a couple in Marital Mediation. The wife wants to include an "infidelity clause," that would involve a lump sum penalty payment in the event that either of them is unfaithful, in their agreement. Have you ever seen such a clause? Do you see any problem with including such a clause in their agreement?
My Answer:
I have never used this clause. My concern is that it might push an affair further under the rug, where it will do even more damage. Since an affair is the symptom, not the problem, the idea of punishing the "guilty" spouse might not serve them well. In my mind there is a big difference between (a) an exit affair (a term coined by Emily Brown to describe an affair that is used by a conflict avoider as a means of escape) that results in the end of a marriage and (b) an affair which is a symptom of a bigger problem that may be repairable while the couple is still emotionally engaged.
In this case, the wife's request to use a punishment says to me that there is an old wound there that she might want to look at if this marriage is going to work out. However, that exploration is an issue better suited for therapy than Marital Mediation.
Marital Mediation is a process that uses mediation techniques to open and improve a couple's communications so that they can address areas of conflict and create a plan that outlines what each of them will do (and not do) in the future.
How the process of Marital Mediation is used will vary, depending on the mediator's skill set and philosophy. Typically, however, the process is:
* short term
* held in a multi-session format (I like a couple to commit to three 90-minute sessions with the potential of future follow-up)
* focused on problem solving, and
* concludes with the signing of a written agreement. (However, the process itself and the creating of the agreement is usually more valuable and important than the actual agreement.)
Recently, one of my Mediation Trainees posed this question to me:
I am working with a couple in Marital Mediation. The wife wants to include an "infidelity clause," that would involve a lump sum penalty payment in the event that either of them is unfaithful, in their agreement. Have you ever seen such a clause? Do you see any problem with including such a clause in their agreement?
My Answer:
I have never used this clause. My concern is that it might push an affair further under the rug, where it will do even more damage. Since an affair is the symptom, not the problem, the idea of punishing the "guilty" spouse might not serve them well. In my mind there is a big difference between (a) an exit affair (a term coined by Emily Brown to describe an affair that is used by a conflict avoider as a means of escape) that results in the end of a marriage and (b) an affair which is a symptom of a bigger problem that may be repairable while the couple is still emotionally engaged.
In this case, the wife's request to use a punishment says to me that there is an old wound there that she might want to look at if this marriage is going to work out. However, that exploration is an issue better suited for therapy than Marital Mediation.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Divorce, TMZ
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in the news. Divorce is difficult enough. Do they make it more difficult than it has to be? Read my advice to them at http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/uncategorized/273/
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