Living Together? Get It In Writing!

Have you noticed that marriage is on the decline? 

Many couples, young and old, are choosing to avoid legal marriage while they live as partners.  This trend is influenced by a variety of factors such as:

•        Earning equality between men and women
•        A first marriage that ended with a negative divorce experience
•        The nasty divorces experienced by parents, friends, family members, and acquaintances
•        A decline in religious objections to co-habitation
•        Cultural acceptance of living together as a first step towards marriage
•        Concerns about inheritance for children from a prior marriage

Sadly, however, a co-habiting couple cannot avoid all of the negativity that a break-up brings.  In fact, unmarried couples who end their relationships may still face significant legal, logistical, psychological, social, and financial complications.  And, if a couple has children, or own a home (or other property) together, they will need to make many decisions about their futures during the difficult time.

Here is what you need to know:

Common-law-marriage is not recognized in Florida and many other states.  In general, co-habiting couples have no rights to alimony or shared property, regardless of the number of years they have been together, whether they have children, or what the partners have contributed to each other’s assets. 

One way to ease the difficulty of a future break-up is to create a co-habitation agreement that outlines how things will play out if a couple decides to break-up.  A co-habitation agreement can set out, in writing, an outline of how a couple’s relationship, finances, in-law encounters, and day-to-day chores will operate while they are happy together.

The biggest benefit to creating a co-habitation agreement may be that by engaging in the discussion that is used to create their agreement, a couple is provided with an opportunity to clarify their unspoken expectations.  And, it is frequently these unspoken expectations that lead to the disappointments that destroy a couple’s bond.  A mediator can help a couple hold this conversation and create their agreement.

Some may say that the process is unromantic.  However, what is more romantic than wanting to save future heartache for your beloved (and yourself) while giving your relationship every possible advantage?  If your new partner is unwilling to engage in this discussion and create an agreement while you are within the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship you might want to consider what it might be like to negotiate with him/her when the additional pressures of relationship failure are leaving you both feeling depleted.

 

In addition to a co-habitation agreement, unmarried couples should consider how they can use wills and other estate planning documents (such as medical surrogacy) to protect themselves, each other, and their heirs.  Talk to an attorney who specializes in estate planning to make sure your wishes will be met if you are unable to speak for yourself. 

Ultimately, if a couple does break-up and they bring questions to a court, a judge is likely to consider what they wrote in their co-habitation agreement.  However, in practice, people who have gone to the effort of creating a co-habitation agreement are likely to abide by it if they split up, without the need for court involvement.

Pre-marital Question

Dear Dr Elinor,

I am about to get married.  Do you think premarital counseling is worth the effort?  

Brenda

Yes!!!  I am a believer.  Pre-marital counseling and pre-marital education can provide a benefit to every couple as well as to society as a whole.

As I see it, before the state issues a marriage license, the parties involved should have to prepare and sign a detailed contract.  If you cannot sit down with your beloved and hold a conversation (while you are in the window of hormone induced connection) about (a) where you are, (b) where you want to go, and (c) how you plan on getting there, you will probably not be able to hold one of marriage's difficult conversations once the hormone rush is gone and the dulldrum of daily life has set in.

Of course these conversations should not end once the wedding is over.  Every marriage could benefit from some kind of on-going counseling (or education), like the continuing education requirements for professionals. 

Marriage Pacts

I was recently asked some thought provoking questions about Pre-Marital Education and Pre-Marriage Contracts - which I call Marriage Pacts.  Here are my answers.

1.  Should premarital education be mandatory?  (Something similar to the children of divorce workshop that divorcing parents must attend.)

Even though the hormones might prevent the participants from hearing anything said, yes. We may not be able to get people to listen but at least the seed would be planted.  And, they would know where to go to look for information when they needed it later on.

And, the mechanism already exists. There is something called Prepare/Enrich. Its an "survey" and training program that can actually predict marital success and pinpoints areas of potential trouble. Some religious denominations require copules to undergo the Prepare/Enrich process before they can get married in their church.
          
2.  Should marriage become a transaction that requires signing a detailed contract to enter, just as we do when applying for and receiving a mortgage to buy a home, a business loan, etc.?

Yes. In order to get a marriage license you should need a signed contract. And, there should be a mandatory "addendum" that needs to be signed before people are allowed to take their child home.  (Just like the car-seat requirement.)  This would get people to legally commit while the bonding (to the child) hormones are high and the children would win.  (However, ultimately, no one should have a child - man or woman - unless s/he is prepared to raise that child him/herself.)

3.  Would such a requirement induce more thought of behalf of those desiring to get married? Would marriage be taken more seriously by many, be seen for what it is and should be, even if the idea is a romance buzzkill?  Would it prove, in the long run, more helpful to people? Or is this whole idea foolishness?
  
It's a great idea. If you cannot sit down with your beloved and hold a difficult conversation (while you are in the window of hormone induced connection) about where you are, where you want to go, and how you plan on getting there then you will not be able to hold a difficult conversation later, once the hormone rush is gone and the dulldrum of daily life has set in.

4.  Should there be mandatory on-going educational or counseling requirements within marriages, sort of like a continuing ed for professionals?

No. However, as part of the Marriage Pact couples should agree to a yearly review and tune-up. Most of the couples I see went into auto pilot, got busy with the tasks of life, and ignored their bond. They didn't notice this until the bond had deteriorated.

Right now the move is away from marriage. The rate of babies being born to unmarried parents is very high and growing. So, couples know marriage doesn't work. They just don't know what else to do.

Pre-nup Question

Recently, I saw this question posted in a marriage info chat room.

I am a 45 year old professional man who recently became engaged to a lovely 35 year old woman. This is a second marriage for both of us. I mentioned that I believed a pre-nuptual agreement would be a good idea. (Our individual assets are about equal.) She went nuts and accused me of not trusting her. She says this lack of trust is setting us up for a self fulfilling prophecy that the relationship will eventually end in divorce. Isn't a pre-nup in both of our best interests? What am I missing? Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

Creating a pre-nup is an exercise in exploration. If a couple is unable to create a pre-nup and deal with all of the un-pleasantries that the process presents I dont know how they will be able to deal with the un-pleasantries that life inevitably presents.

A well thought out pre-nup should address much more then how the marriage will end. A pre-nup should address how the marriage will operate. And, that is the discussion that should come first. Creating a thorough pre-nup that addresses how the marriage will operate will make divorce much LESS likely. (The creation process will help you fend off unmet expectations - one of the key marriage destroyers.) Yes, every good plan has an exit strategy. And, a pre-nup should have an exit strategy but that's just a part of it. Finally, creating a pre-nup should be a joint effort. The WORST thing you can do is go to a lawyer, have him/her prepare a pre-nup and then present it to your beloved. That is a sure fire way to create mis-trust. In my upcoming book - The Bride's Guide To Starting Your Marriage Off Right - I present guidelines for preparing a Marriage Pact. Talk to your fiancee about preparing a Marriage Pact - an idea that should be a lot easier for her to grasp.

Your reactions to this hot button issue should be giving you both a lot of information as to what your marriage is going to feel like. And, how you work through this issue will give me a lot of information as to what your marriage will look like.

Happy trails, Elinor

Friday Morning

Doing six hours a week on the radio, in addition to my usual work with Mediation Training Group and A Friendly Divorce, means that there is little time for anything else. This insane pace will stop at the end of the month. My plan for Jan is to have less on-air time with a station that has a stronger signal - yes, its about working smarter, not harder. I will keep you posted. In the meantime, so-far this week my guests were Vivienne Steinhardt, LCSW, step-family expert - www.in-step-families.com, Dr Brad Swift, author of Life On Purpose: Six Passages To An Inspired Life www.lifeonpurpose.com, and Lorraine Powers, attorney and gay activist. Coming up I have Boca Raton Realtor extraordinaire Michele Bellisari www.michelebee.com and Karen Vogel of The Women's Congress www.thewomenscongress.com.

In my continuing efforts to spread the message regarding the possibilities for friendly divorce www.AFriendlyDivorce.com I spoke to two community groups this week. I am not sure if these talks are my marketing efforts or my soapbox but in either case, they are paying off. In addition to our work with divorcing couples we are finding that couples contemplating marriage are ready to work with us on creating Marriage Pacts. So, all is well. Stay safe.