Who Wants To Be A Mediator?

Dear Elinor,

I think I am a natural mediator but I do not have a legal background.  How do I become professional mediator?  What kind of time commitment would I need to make to the job?  It is something that I could do in my free time?  Where do I get trained? 

Thanks, Sally

I am often asked about the requirements for becoming a Professional Mediator.  As I see it the best mediators have a natural talent.  I can teach strategies and explain the reasons that certain techniques work, but if a mediation trainee does not have a passion for this work they just go through the motions.  

Here is what I think you need to know about the business of mediation:    

Starting a mediation practice is like starting any other professional practice.  It requires time, energy, and a good marketing plan.  Part of the plan has to be the brand (or the niche).  What would your mediation niche be?  In other words, who is your target market?   

Mediators, in Florida, work in three settings.  Some work in court-annexed programs as either court employees or contractors.  Some work for administrative agencies - again either as employees or contractors.  And, some market themselves within the private sector to attorneys or unrepresented individuals.  

In Florida we are big on using mediation as a component of the litigation process.  Today, most court cases (of all types) are settled in mediation instead of going to trial.  We have not made fantastic progress on using mediation as a stand alone process.  There is great potential if you can figure out a way to promote mediation outside the courthouse.  

Here is what I think you need to know about mediation training:

Often people who attend mediation training simply want to add the credential of Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator to their resumes.  Where else can you find such an impressive credential for $495, 3 (or 4) days of training, and 2 days of internship?  Sometimes consultants take the training because they want to be able to expand their offerings.  And, sometimes people are sent to the training by their companies/organizations as they can then go back and use their new skill in the workplace.  Call me to learn more.  

Best, Elinor   

Mom Sense: 8 Tips for Getting Along with Your Adult Daughter This Mothers’ Day and Everyday

Do you love or hate Mother’s Day?

If you are a mother who regularly struggles to get along with your adult daughter, Mother’s Day can be a day of dread.

As a mediator, I have heard many official (and unofficial) rants regarding the difficulty mothers and daughters face.  Recently, an acquaintance (let’s call her Gloria) outlined a long list of incidents where her daughter left her feeling dismissed and disrespected.  The details seemed insignificant.  Her anger, which I surmised was a cover up for hurt, overpowered everything.  As her diatribe came to an end I leaned in and asked – “have you ever apologized to her for the mistakes that you made?”  She looked at me as if I had two heads.  “What?” she said.  “Mistakes?  I didn’t make any mistakes.  I have nothing to apologize for.”  She was adamant and I decided to save my breath.

If, like Gloria, you are struggling with the relationship you share with your daughter there are some things that you can do to start healing.  First say the serenity prayer a few times.  And then start practicing these eight tips for creating a more positive Mother-Daughter relationship:

1.  Don't criticize.  This is the primary complaint adult daughters have about their mothers.  Sadly, a mother's efforts to motivate self-improvement will often make a daughter feel hurt and inadequate.  Daughters need their mothers to view them as competent adults and beautiful women.  All you have to tell your daughter is “you are wonderful.”  Practice that.  And then keep your mouth shut. 

2.  Allow your daughter to see you as the whole person you really are.  Tell her about your childhood and the relationship you shared with your own mother.  Share your disappointments and joys. 

3.  Build a positive connection.  Use email, texting, and other technology to break old communication patterns.  Suggest that you both read a book or watch a movie with a Mother-Daughter theme and then discuss it.  Create a Mother-Daughter tradition or take your daughter on a Mother-Daughter retreat.

4.  Be supportive.  Listen.  Empathize.  And avoid giving advice that reflects your values or desires instead of hers.  Ask questions to help her to figure out what she wants to do.  Accept your daughter’s life decisions - even if you disagree with them.  Let her make her own mistakes and find her own way through tough situations.  

5.  Check-it-out.  Before you do anything for your daughter or intervene in anyway check it out with her and see if this is really what she wants.  Remember the Golden Rule - do unto others as you would like to be done unto does NOT apply.  Instead, do unto your daughter, as she wants to be done unto.  The only way you will know this is to ask her what she wants.

6.  Be willing to apologize.  Every mother makes mistakes.  (Yes, even Gloria.)  Let your daughter know that you are aware that your parenting mistakes, while made with no ill intentions, may have caused her distress. And, it is that distress that you are apologizing for.

7.  Accept that your daughter is an adult so that you can move beyond her adolescence.  To a 5 year old, Mom is a Goddess.  But ten years later, 15-year-olds regularly see their mothers as wicked dimwits.  As a Mother-Daughter relationship continues to evolve dependencies should change.  Ultimately, Mom is supposed to becomes a supportive ally.  Those early patterns, however, often continue to influence us.  And, some mother-daughter relationships stay stuck in adolescence - fraught with hurt, disappointment, disconnection, conflict, and the old control and rebellion pattern. 

8.  Be willing to do the work.  Mothers indirectly teach their daughters how to treat them.  And, mothers also set examples for how daughters will allow themselves to be treated.  So, in order to improve the Mother-Daughter bond the mother has to do more of the work.  Sadly, this is a task some mothers, like Gloria, seem unwilling to accept. 

As a woman and as mediator, I am intrigued by how the mother-daughter bond can bring both conflict and contentment.  Many of us struggle with the relationship that we share with our mothers and many of us struggle with the relationships that we share with our daughters.  For many women, the mother-daughter connection is life's most demoralizing relationship.  However, our powerful and primal mother-daughter relationships can bring us unique insight and understanding.  Mothers and daughters often serve as mirrors for each other.  We teach our daughters to be women and we shape their lives by giving them our ideas about love, family, work, and connection.  Ultimately, the things we would like to change in our daughters are frequently the things we dislike most about ourselves.  So, take a long look in the mirror before you tell your daughter anything.  And, then have a Happy Mothers’ Day.

Pastor Bob: No One Should Have Expected Otherwise

Earlier this month, Pastor Bob Coy, the charismatic leader of Fort Lauderdale’s Calvary Chapel, abruptly “resigned” over what the church is calling a “moral failing.”  Pastor Bob started the church in 1985 and grew it into one of the biggest, richest, and fastest-growing mega-churches in the U.S.  (According to Reuters the church has about 20,000 members and more than $135 million in assets.)

While the whole story has yet to come to light, it now appears that Bob’s "moral failing" was connected to adultery and pornography.  According to the faith blog, Phoenix Preacher, Coy "admitted to at least two affairs in the past year alone and has had a longstanding problem with pornography."  Oh well.  Certainly, this is not a new story.  Bob is just one in a long line of preachers who have fallen from grace. 

Eventually, Bob may make a come-back.  And, that will be interesting to watch.  But, for now, he’s proven three of my universal laws. 

1.  Your greatest strength is your greatest weakness.  As I see it, strengths and weaknesses are two sides of the same coin.  Most traits can present as either an asset or a liability, depending on the situation and the observer.  (For example, if you are wise and intuitive, you might also come across as a know-it-all.  If you are gentle and kind you may also be seen as weak.)  Bob was driven by the fire of emotion, passion, and power.  As long as he had it contained and directed he was able to accomplish amazing entrepreneurial and spiritual feats.  However, left unchecked, his emotion, passion, and power did him in. 

2.  You are who you are.  Nobody changes.  An oak tree is an oak tree; you cannot turn it into a palm tree.  Yes, the oak tree grows and matures.  And, in winter its leaves fall off and die; in spring it blossoms with rebirth.  But, it’s still an oak tree.  Bob was a wild man.  He came to Florida from Las Vegas where he used cocaine and managed a strip joint.  We should not be surprised that he went back to his roots.  If you want to be different you need to pay constant, conscious attention to what and who you want to be.

3.  Everyone needs someone to talk to.  I know nothing about Bob’s marriage but I know that marriages get stale.  After 20 years of marriage, few of us view our partners through eyes of newness and wonder.  And working overtime to keep up with a high powered life is exhausting.  Bob’s 20,000 congregants could bask in his glow but his wife had to see things differently.  After all, she knew he farted.  However, Bob’s alpha-male ego must have needed a lot of stroking.  And my guess is there was no place he could go to take off his Pastor Bob mask and be nurtured.

I have been a professional mediator for almost 25 years.  During that time I have developed what I call mediator mind, a way of looking at things that includes understanding, and sometimes justifying, even the most outrageous acts.  So, I think I get poor Bob.  He made a big mess.  But, no one should have expected otherwise because his greatest strength is his greatest weakness, he is who he is, and he needed someone to talk to.

The Professional Woman's Guide To Conflict Management

My new book, "The Professional Woman's Guide To Conflict Management" is  scheduled to be published and released this summer by Impackt Publishers. 

Here is an excerpt from the preface.....

In the "perfect" workplace everyone gets along.  There are no disputes regarding titles, compensation, schedules, assignments, or environmental conditions.  There are no personality conflicts and there is no sexual harassment.  Each worker takes full responsibility for his or her actions and never attempts to place blame on another person or an external influence.  Do you recognize this place?  No?  You are not alone.


For most professional women, the "perfect" workplace doesn’t exist.  Instead many of us find ourselves working harder and longer with fewer resources.  Isolated from the support of the traditional extended family, we routinely juggle home and work responsibilities.  No wonder  our offices and organizations often feel like conflict breeding grounds.


As a little girl you were likely told to play nice, share, be polite, and avoid unpleasantness.  Actually, even if no one said these things directly, this is the message that most Western cultures transmit to their female children.  Additionally, scientists have recently determined that there is an evolutionary “tend and befriend” survival behavior that females (human and some other animals) have adopted in addition to the physiological “fight-or-flight” response we share with men.  In light of this “tend and befriend” programming, it’s no surprise that many women see conflict as such a negative struggle.


Looking ahead, as women continue to expand their influence and participation in the workplace it seems clear that issues such as sexual harassment, discrimination, health hazards, the negative stereotyping of a parent’s role in the workplace, and the competing demands of job and family will continue to cause workplace conflicts.  Additionally, unresolved and mismanaged conflicts driven by bruised egos, uncontrolled emotions, and mean-spirited behaviors have the potential to negatively impact your bottom line and your professional reputation.


Conflict can indeed be destructive when individual agendas are fulfilled by discrediting the other party (who is now designated as “the enemy").  There is, however, some good news:  it is possible to avoid the destructive consequences of workplace conflict!  You can, in fact, decode and deescalate the conflicts that are simmering and erupting in your workplace.  This book was written to give you a how-to road map.


Ultimately, the knowledge you gain from reading this book will lead to an increased sense of comfort and conscious conflict  ownership regarding your workplace disputes.  (I define conscious conflict ownership  as the ability to look at your conflicts and clearly see how you created or co-created the situation, where you are, and where you could be.)  Ultimately, as you increase your conscious conflict ownership you will be able to convey a stronger sense of commitment to the people, projects, and organizations you are connected to.  Amazingly, when we are able to embrace and work through everyday conflicts, the end result is usually enhanced productivity and connections.  These are conflict’s true gifts.


Instead of using the terms “dispute resolution” or “conflict resolution,” the term “conflict management” is used here intentionally.  Many conflicts, especially those where the parties involved have an on-going relationship, cannot be solved or re-solved on a permanent basis.  At best, these conflicts can be managed.  In this instance “managed” doesn’t mean to control or govern, it means “to care for,” like you manage your investments or “to handle,” as in, “he managed while his wife was out-of-town.”


The role that women play in the workplace is continuing to evolve.  Likewise, the strategies that we use to manage our workplace conflicts will need on-going evaluation.  After spending the last twenty-five years studying conflict and relationships I am still often amazed by the complexities in our interactions.  I am delighted to be able to share my knowledge and  philosophy with you.


The first chapter of this book lays out a foundation of conflict knowledge.  The subsequent six chapters will help you get the most out of this theoretical understanding by providing you with how-to  techniques and strategies that you can put into everyday practice. 

A Friendly Divorce - The Network

We have taken A Friendly Divorce to the next level.  A Friendly Divorce is now a statewide network of Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediators who are providing one-stop divorce mediation and document preparation services to couples that want to make their divorces as easy and as painless as possible.  Take a look at www.AFriendlyDivorce.com

Pre-marital Question

Dear Dr Elinor,

I am about to get married.  Do you think premarital counseling is worth the effort?  

Brenda

Yes!!!  I am a believer.  Pre-marital counseling and pre-marital education can provide a benefit to every couple as well as to society as a whole.

As I see it, before the state issues a marriage license, the parties involved should have to prepare and sign a detailed contract.  If you cannot sit down with your beloved and hold a conversation (while you are in the window of hormone induced connection) about (a) where you are, (b) where you want to go, and (c) how you plan on getting there, you will probably not be able to hold one of marriage's difficult conversations once the hormone rush is gone and the dulldrum of daily life has set in.

Of course these conversations should not end once the wedding is over.  Every marriage could benefit from some kind of on-going counseling (or education), like the continuing education requirements for professionals. 

Estranged Families

The topic of family estrangement has been an area of special interest for me for many years. Here are my seven key points on the topic:

1. When the estrangement is between a parent and an adult child the parent must take responsibility and be willing to apologize for perceived or real hurts.

2. When a family member chooses estrangement they are giving a loud message that something is not right. This is their way of communicating that they feel dismissed, discounted, or disrespected.

3. A cooling-off period is often critical before any dialogue can begin.

4. Even if the person on the other side wont talk you can still keep the lines of communication open by sending periodic messages of support. Keep the message simple - "I will always love you and I will be there whenever you are ready."

5. Apologies have magical and cleansing properties. Think the apology through before you start or you may end in the wrong place. http://elinorrobin.com/apologies-magical-cleansing-healing-and-the-time-is-now/

6.  Sometimes its too late.  When the bonds are weakened sometimes there is nothing to do.    

7. Follow my 10-step plan for ending feuds and rebuilding connections. http://ezinearticles.com/?The-10-Step-Plan-For-Ending-Feuds-and-Fights-and-Re-Building-Connection&id=3468153

I have written a lot on the subject of family estrangement. Please take a look at my website - www.ElinorRobin.com and this article http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Tips-For-Getting-Along-With-Your-Family-This-Holiday-Season&id=3363801